


Dear Sasuke,

by Devilinkneehighs



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Boys In Love, Brotherly Love, Cheating, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Depression, Domestic Violence, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Gang Violence, Gun Violence, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Other, Out of Character, Past Rape/Non-con, Personal Growth, Physical Abuse, Redemption, Religious Guilt, Self-Discovery, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Strangers to Lovers, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-01-21 15:45:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 49,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12460887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devilinkneehighs/pseuds/Devilinkneehighs
Summary: After accidentally discovering his late brother’s private journal, Sasuke is horrified to learn the truth behind Itachi’s unexpected suicide 8 years earlier.





	1. Naruto

**Author's Note:**

> Is it dangerous that I am so emotionally invested in this piece? I feel as though it might be the first story I'll actually finish. I'd been inspired by Twin Peaks and real life events and the plot came to life instantly.  
> Special thanks to my dear friend Sam for editing.

_Dear Itachi,_

_I am so sorry I haven’t been keeping my promise._

 

 

        He’d written several of them; dozens of novel length memoirs of the highest and lowest points of his life, or short little bursts of his thoughts in the moment. He’d wanted to update his brother on things in his life that he was missing- spending countless hours pouring over notes, letters, and novellas he’d never send-not bothering to agonize over sentence structure and similes the way a good writer should. He supposed he should have the decency to send some of them since the mutual correspondence he shared with his brother had abruptly halted in previous years. He missed him like a product that was pulled from the market. That’s what Itachi was. Discontinued. But it was different now, and Sasuke had entered a crucial stage, full of the most complex uncertainties that the beginning of adult life had to offer, and he was doing it all alone.

        “Is anyone sitting here?” Sasuke’s internal fog dissolved as a scraggly, gruff voice called to him. He stirred slightly at the sudden interruption of his thoughts.

        “Hmm? Oh no, it’s open,” he mused, dropping his head to balance on the back of his hand again. Although he was fully aware that his wrist would be uncomfortably stiff if he remained in that position, he stayed at his usual stillness, peering over his glasses to get a glimpse of the voice.

        “Thanks, man. I had the hardest time finding this class. You’d think I’d have this campus figured out by now.” Sasuke closed the book he was reading and shifted slightly to see the owner of the scraggly voice better, careful to leave his head attached to his hand to keep up his disinterested persona.

        “Mhm,” Sasuke said softly, attempting to end the one-sided conversation with another diminutive answer. He pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and took a sip of his coffee. He hadn’t recognized the blonde from anywhere. He definitely would’ve remembered the distinct markings on his cheeks, which reminded him of the foxes he used to see as a child when he went exploring with his brother. The boy had an expressive shape to his bright, azure eyes, which Sasuke likened to the homework folder he had purchased that morning. The friendly stranger had impossibly long lashes that swept against his cheeks every time he blinked. His hair was longer than Sasuke’s; nearly long enough for a small ponytail but not quite, with a few longer pieces in the front that enhanced the sharpness of his jaw and cheekbones.

        “I’m Naruto, by the way,” his lips curved into a tenacious grin, and his eyes had narrowed in a determined fashion, as if he was zeroing in on his classmate. “Naruto Uzumaki.” Sasuke knew by now that “Naruto” wasn’t picking up his _leave me the fuck alone_ social queues, so he decided to entertain him with a personal introduction out of a mild curiosity.

        “I’m Sasuke Uchiha. You’re very outgoing,” He mused, still refusing to meet his gaze directly. Naruto chuckled softly, running a nervous hand through his hair, which held its spiky position.

        “I try to be,” he smiled more sincerely this time, and Sasuke felt a small smile creep up on him, which he gave into with closed eyes and a bowed head. “So, what’s your major, Sasuke?”

        “Please, Naruto. It’s the first day of class. You’re going to hear that in a few minutes anyways.” Sasuke rolled his eyes, lifting his head from his cramping arm, which began its familiar round of pins and needles.

        “Aw, c’mon.” Naruto shifted in his seat to face Sasuke head on, his relaxed smile yet to leave his appearance.

        “English.” Sasuke sighed, exaggerating the bored undertones to try to give Naruto the message that he wanted to just be left alone already. He’d already humored him by introducing himself.

        “Cool, me too. What do you wanna do with that?” _Relentless!_ Sasuke shifted his position to match Naruto’s, faced him head on, and fixated on his cheek markings. Naruto timidly lifted a hand to his right cheek, covering the marks with a dejected look.

        “I was born with them,” he said, averting his eyes from Sasuke’s scrutiny.

        “Author,” Sasuke replied curtly, turning his body back to face the front of the lecture hall, where the professor had just entered. Sasuke felt Naruto shifting uncomfortably in his seat, suddenly becoming acutely interested in the eraser on top of his mechanical pencil.

Naruto’s sudden transference into a withdrawn, unspecified classmate suited Sasuke just fine. He wasn’t on the hunt for new friends, and judging by Naruto’s Nike sports bag, Sasuke could infer that he was just another dumb frat boy. But Sasuke’s vapid analysis of his minute-long interaction with Naruto left little explanation for why he was in an advanced literature class, if he truly was the dumb jock that the writer assumed he was.

        The class seemed to drag on longer than usual, with Sasuke dejectedly introducing himself to his fellow students as an aspiring author. He revealed that he had spent 2 years studying with the intent to be a doctor before realizing his “true passion for literature” or some other generic bullshit along those lines. At Naruto’s turn, he lifted his head, expressing a slight fear as his name was called. His eyes appeared to dull even further as he stood, explaining that he was a local, and that he was studying English to eventually become a high school teacher and “make a difference” in underprivileged children’s lives, which reeked of the same overused, feel-good bullshit that Sasuke’s joke of an introduction had. However, Sasuke had a feeling that the aspiring teacher’s reasoning wasn’t contrived, and he, in-fact, truly resolved to be a teacher in order to “make a difference”. He snorted, watching Naruto’s hands tremble as he finished up introducing himself before sitting down again as the class pretended to direct their attention to the next student.

        “You okay?” Sasuke teased further. Naruto’s absent gaze darted to meet Sasuke’s inky composure. A small smirk caught at the corner of his mouth as he watched Naruto clasp his hands together in defense.

        “Mhm,” Naruto whispered, seemingly unfazed by Sasuke’s obvious enjoyment as he ran a shaky hand through his hair. “I hate public speaking,” he explained. Sasuke turned his head to face the front of the class, bringing a finger to his lips and smiling softly.  Sasuke was somewhat confused by Naruto, whom he deemed somewhat enigmatic. He had seemed so at ease talking to him, introducing himself to an obviously uninterested stranger and carrying on with fortitude for as long as the situation allowed. Was is some sort of guise? A fake-it-till-you-make-it approach to gaining a bit of confidence in social situations? Sasuke couldn’t be sure. Maybe he would draw on his _extensive_ psych 101 knowledge to understand his strange classmate a bit better.

        “So…what happened to the confidence you had while introducing yourself?” Sasuke whispered, clicking the top of his pen repeatedly. “I mean it was obvious I wasn’t interested, but you kept talking. And then you clam up in front of the class? I mean, what gives?” He brought the top of the pen to his parted lips, continuing his teasing drawl ceaselessly.

        “I told you man, I hate public speaking. But if I’m gonna be honest, you just kinda stuck out from everyone else in the class. Not many people read in-between classes instead of being on their phone, ya know?” He gestured to Sasuke’s abandoned copy of _Sense and Sensibility._ He took a sip from his water bottle, which made a loud hissing noise that made Sasuke uncomfortable when a few of the surrounding students whipped their heads around to see the source of the obnoxious sound.

        “This is literally a literature class.” Sasuke rolled his eyes, pushing his chair back and crossing his legs.

        “Huh. I guess you’re right,” Naruto scratched the back of his neck. “Isn’t that a chick book, though?”

“Your point?”

“Hn.” Naruto smirked at him. “So…reading and writing is your thing…but do you play any sports?”

        “Tennis, mostly. But I dropped that when I fucked up my ankle. It hurts way too bad to run on now.” Sasuke felt himself warming up to the blonde. His disheveled voice was somewhat endearing, and Sasuke enjoyed talking about himself when given the chance.

        “Tennis?”

        “First you make fun of my taste in books, and now I’m not sporty enough for you? Damn, Naruto. You’re not really winning any brownie points here. I’ve known you…” he checked his empty wrist. “An hour? And you’ve already insulted me how many times now?” Sasuke’s eyes rolled, and he offered Naruto a rare smile.

        “Aw, c’mon. You gotta lighten up Sasuke,” Naruto played along. “But TBH that book is girly!”

        “Oh my god, Naruto. Did you really just say ‘TBH’?” Sasuke snorted loudly, attempting to stifle a bubbling fit of laughter. Naruto covered his face to stop himself from laughing loudly, peeking through to watch Sasuke’s face light up.

        “It was more for your benefit than mine,” He smiled again.

        “More importantly, what’ve you got against _Sense and Sensibility?_ And anyways, girls love this shit.” Sasuke leaned back in his chair, defogging his glasses on his sweater.

        “Well, I haven’t exactly read it…but you do have the ‘sensitive guy’ thing down pat. How many dates do you have lined up this week?” Naruto teased, leaning in closer as he whispered his taunt.

        “Ha ha. I haven’t been on a date in ages.” Sasuke uncrossed his legs.

        “Ahhhh, I see. You’re one of those ‘no one understands me’ types that sleeps around because they ‘forgot how to feel’,” Naruto joked, emphasizing his words with exaggerated air-quotes.

        “Tch. Quit exposing me.” Sasuke made a dramatic face, slightly unnerved by his classmates alarmingly precise intuition. “And isn’t it a little early in the friendship to be talking about my sex life?” He shook his hair to the side, picking up his coffee and finishing up the last few sips.

        “AHA! So we’re friends!” Naruto smiled lightly.

        “Have the assignment ready for next class. I’ll see you all on Thursday,” Their professor dismissed them, turning to collect his things. “I’ll be in my office till 5 if you have any questions.”

        “Shit. What was the assignment?” Naruto asked Sasuke nervously, watching him shove his things into his satchel.

        “Relax.” Sasuke sighed. “It’ll be online. Partner and group shit doesn’t start till next week. Anyways,” Sasuke slung his bag over his shoulder and grabbed his empty Starbucks cup. “I’ll see ya next class, Uzumaki.”

        “Wait, Sasuke.” Naruto called to him as he turned to leave.

        “Hmm? Sasuke mused, sticking his earphones in and picking a song on his phone.

        “Will you be my partner for the future group assignments?” Naruto managed to get his words out without any nervous stuttering, although he couldn’t control the rate at which his hands shook.

        “There’s that confidence again,” Sasuke smirked. “Hmm…” He brought a questioning finger to his lips as if he was debating it.

“Aw, c’mon. We could do lunch. I’ll probably need your help with studying for this class anyways. Do you like sushi?”

“Alright, Nart, I’ll get sushi with you sometime. And I _guess_ I can help you with your homework too,” Sasuke slid his phone open and responded to a missed text.

“Nart? Oh god, that sounds awful.” Sasuke caught his eyes with his, releasing the warmest laugh he’d felt in ages.

“You dislike it? I’ll be sure to never call you anything else then. Maybe I should’ve made you beg for it a bit more. I am, like you said before, a sensitive guy. I’ve already got all these books down pat. My extensive knowledge of classic literature is pretty valuable.” Sasuke smirked, adjusting his glasses again.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll take your verbal abuse in exchange for friendship.” Naruto rolled his eyes, matching Sasuke’s smirk.

“Ah, so we’ve graduated from classmates to project partners to friends all in the span of an hour?”

“God, I sure do hope so,” Naruto dramatically batted his eyelashes and brought his hands to his cheeks before turning to grab his bag.

“But under one condition.” Sasuke breathed. Naruto stood up from the desk and slung his bag over his shoulder, sliding one headphone on.

“Hmm?”

“You can’t fall in love with me.” Sasuke stared directly at him, eyes unwavering in their certainty. Naruto’s heart leapt into to his throat. _What could he mean by that? Could he tell? Did he think he was hitting on him?_

Sasuke laughed after an eternity of internal panic.

“Holy shit, Naruto. It’s from _A Walk to Remember._ If we’re gonna hang out, you’re gonna have to lighten up a bit.”

“Okay, I’ll admit you got me for a second. You really are sensitive, Sask,” He teased, zipping up his laptop case. Sasuke’s lips twitched in amusement at his nickname. It’d been awhile since anyone called him that, and something about hearing it in Naruto’s scraggly voice was comforting.

“Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. I’m a writer. I’m a romantic. A panty dropping expert. You couldn’t tell by my sparkling ebony eyes and skinny jeans?” Sasuke adjusted his glasses, pushing them up the bridge of his nose.

“Well, maybe I’m giving you too much credit. Maybe a girl made you watch it and this whole “sensitive guy” thing is an act.”

“I’ll have you know I only cried for 20 minutes after I watched _The Notebook_ ,” Sasuke joked. Naruto lifted his hands in mock apology.

“Well, I stand corrected. You’re so charming, Mr. Uchiha. As soon as I saw your sparkling coal eyes I knew I had to get lunch with you.”

“Ebony, douchebag,” Sasuke snorted.

“Dammit.”

“So…do you have practice tonight?” He gestured to the Nike bag Naruto had slung over his shoulder.        

“Mhm. I’m on the basketball team,” Naruto continued to gather his things. “You should hang with me and the guys sometime. You drink?”

“Occasionally,” Sasuke winked, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

“There’s a party Friday if you wanna come. It’s at Braxton Hall.”

“God, I should’ve known you were in a frat. I haven’t been to a frat party since freshman year,” Sasuke’s shoulders dropped as he looked at the ceiling incredulously.

“It’ll be fun, I promise. I’ll introduce you to some people.”

“Alright, alright. Let me give you my number,” Sasuke pulled the pen from behind his ear and scrawled his number on the first page in Naruto’s unused notebook. Naruto watched on nervously as Sasuke finished up his messy sideways scrawl. “I’ll see ya Wednesday.”  He waved over his shoulder as he made his way to the top exit, and Naruto lifted a hand in farewell.

        Perhaps he had misread Naruto slightly. Sure, he was a bit dim, that much was obvious. But Sasuke couldn’t quite figure out why their conversation continued to replay in his mind over and over for the rest of the evening; in between shampoos, on his way to the convenience store for more Tylenol, in line for his third Starbucks of the day.

_There was something effortless about it. When he spoke to me, it was as if the pressures that had been weighing him down were suddenly lifted. He was somewhat awkward, but in an endearing way. I admired that he took initiative and invited me to hang out with him first. In fact, I think it’s the reason I decided to hang out with him. It was certainly unnerving to receive an invitation to see each other outside of class after only one day, but I think that’s what was so enticing about it.  It’s funny, I never really pictured myself making plans with a sporty type- or attending a frat party after aged 18 rather- But he was able to keep up with me, which is the most important thing. Perhaps I’ll find that we have more in common as time goes on. If anything, I can just avoid him if things go sour._

He finished his journal entry, staring at the inked page for a moment before he heard a familiar, gentle “ping” and reached over to his side table where his phone was plugged in.

 

**FROM: Hinatitty**

**Off work early. Drinks?**

 

        He closed his journal and returned it to its home on the shelf above his bed, wondering if he was up for company that evening. It was a weekday, but he’d wanted to fill his best friend in on the kid in his lit class that he couldn’t get out of his mind.

 

**TO: Hinatitty**

**bitch its tuesday??**

 

**FROM: Hinatitty**

**bitch so????**

 

**TO: Hinatitty**

**Im not rlly feeling like going out 2nite. U can swing by. We can order a movie.**

 

        He slowly typed out a response, internally debating a bit longer before hitting send.

 

**FROM: Hinatitty**

**I’ll be over in 30 :)**

 

        Sasuke contemplated whether or not he was in the mood to see people, but as he ran a comb through his hair and changed shirts, he felt a bit more open to the idea. She arrived a few minutes later than planned, greeting him with a cheek kiss as she dropped her bag and shoes at the front door.

        “Hey, Sasuke.” She batted her dramatic false lashes at him before making her way to the fridge to help herself to a beer.

        “How was your first day of class, Hinata?” She turned to face him, grabbing a beer for him as well.  

        “Kind of mundane if you ask me. I’m ready to get out of this shithole town already.” She handed it to him, and moved past him to sink down into cheap living room sofa. _Not without me,_ he wanted to say.  “My dad is still all over my ass trying to get me to talk about mom, and I’m just over it.” She took several long sips of her drink.

        “Has she tried to contact you?” He walked over to the living room to join her. She sunk down into the love seat and he dropped down next to her. He sipped his beer slowly, watching his best friends’ eyes and hands animate as she talked about her family.

        “Not since last week. I’m just like, kind of upset with her, ‘cause it was kind of like she blind-sided us. I guess she’s too busy planning her wedding.” Hinata rolled her eyes, brushing her bangs out of her face and taking a deep breath. “Dad still has his ring on, and I keep begging him to just throw the damn thing away,” she took another swig. “Or like sell it, and he just won’t. I just feel like he thinks she’s gonna come back, and I know she’s not gonna. She made her decision.” She stared into her drink, the dim, yellow lights of the kitchen reflecting on her bottle and bouncing off of her pale eyes. “And I’m just like, this is pathetic. It’s been what? 3 years?” She turned to face him. Sasuke nodded, taking another sip of his drink. “Hanabi’s moved in with mom as well. At least, until she goes back to school. She really likes the new guy apparently.” They sat in silence for a bit; Sasuke watching her intently as she tapped away on her phone.

        “Sorry, Kiba’s just wondering where I am,” she muttered without looking up.

        “You didn’t tell him you were coming over?” Sasuke tilted his head, setting his beer down.

        “Nah, ‘cause it was last minute. He was gonna meet us at the bar. Ah. Ok, sorry, I’m done,” she placed her phone screen-down on the coffee table and finished off her drink.

        “Oh, oops. My bad.”

        “Don’t worry about it. I’m probably gonna head over to his place after this anyways. Shino is out of town for his cousin’s wedding so we’ll have the place to ourselves all week.”

        “Speaking of weddings…” Sasuke teased.

        “Ha ha.” Hinata barked a humorless laugh. “If marriage is the reason my dad’s all fucked up, well… no thanks. Plus if I even mentioned it to Kiba he’d probably freak.” She let her eyes glaze over as she pondered it, bringing her index finger to her lip and mulling over her words.

        “I don’t think it’s wrong that he misses her…” Sasuke’s voice trailed off, and his thoughts cast over to his family. He thought of his brooding father, whom he hadn’t spoken to in nearly a year, and his mood soured significantly. Hinata studied his face, watching him slowly sip his drink and mindlessly scroll through his phone.

        “My dad? I know that.” She huffed, dropping her chin down on the back of her hand, resting her elbow on her knee. “But I don’t know what to do. My mom wont take me in right now obviously, and I can’t stand to be near my dad.”

        “Then you’ll take the extra room,” Sasuke leaned forward and gestured towards the guest room down the hall.

        “Shut up,” Hinata lightly punched his arm, taking another sip of her drink.

        “Hinata, I’m serious. If you want the room you’re welcome to it. I was going to offer it to you sometime anyways. You’re here often enough.”

        “Sasuke, I can’t impose like that…not to mention Kiba would literally murder me.”

        “Hinata.” Sasuke set his beer down and scooted closer to her. “It wouldn’t be an imposition. You were saving up for your own place, right? I was looking for a roommate anyways. The rent is getting hard to pay alone, especially since I won’t be working at the bookstore for much longer. And I don’t care if Kiba sleeps over all the time as long as he doesn’t leave his shit everywhere.” Sasuke smirked, brushing a strand of hair behind his best friend's’ ear as her eyes welled up in tears.

        “Do you mean it, Sask?” she looked directly into his eyes, peering at her face reflected in the inky pools. Sasuke smirked again and nodded, amused that he’d made her tear up.

        “God, I love you!” She giggled happily, wiping her tears with the back of her hand and tackling him in a hug.  

        “You’re just lucky I guess,” he looked up at her; her blue hair falling down around him and tickling his cheeks. His hands had unwrapped from around her and settled on holding her hips as she straddled him. She watched his eyes glaze over, and his mind disconnected from her as he thought again of the boy in his literature class. Hinata smiled knowingly and leaned back, allowing Sasuke to get back up. He picked up his beer again and avoided her gaze.

        It was another one of those movie-esque moments where he was certain his mind wasn’t cooperating with his heart. It was his best friend, who had a boyfriend, and yet his heart snuck in a few extra beats whenever he was with her.

“I’m dying to know about the girl you’re thinking about right now.” Sasuke snorted in surprise mid-sip, feeling the beer go up into his nose. Evidently, his poker face had long since faded away as he watched the curve of his friends chest rise and fall as she laughed.

        “God, Sasuke, you must really like her,” Hinata joked, giggling at Sasuke’s sputtering. She set down her beer and padded over to the kitchen to grab a couple of napkins off of the marble counter. She returned and handed some to him, taking one and wiping at the drops that had hit the strands of his bangs.

        “Ugh, god.” Sasuke groaned, blowing his nose into some of the napkins. She continued to tenderly pat away the beer that had scattered across his face. She took her thumb and swiped under his eye to catch the drops that had fallen off of his lashes. They locked eyes for a moment, with Hinata shaking her head slightly with a soft smile and Sasuke struggling to breathe, but not from the beer.

        “Now that your seizure is over, I demand details,” she prodded, reaching for her beer and finishing it off. He cast the moments weakness aside, fearing acknowledgement would lead to acceptance.

        “How do you know it’s a girl?” Sasuke lowered his eyebrows, teasing his best friend as her eyes lit up.

        “Oh my god! You’re finally interested in a guy again? I thought that-” he cut her off.

        “Don’t be so hasty. I never said I was into him. I’m just kind of intrigued is all.”

        “What does he look like? What’s his name? Where is he from?” She asked animatedly.

        “Hinata.”

        “Ok sorry. But seriously.”

        “Well, his name is Naruto…we have advanced lit together,” Sasuke began.

        “Wait, oh my god. Naruto Uzumaki? Short, blonde, weird markings on his cheeks?” Hinata drew imaginary lines on her face.

        “Yeah, actually. Do you know him?” Sasuke felt his glasses slide down his nose a bit.

        “He was in my youth group at church. His mom-” Her phone buzzed rapidly. “Ugh, sorry it’s probably Kiba. You mind?” Sasuke shook his head, and she brought the phone up to her ear.

        “Hey hon, I can’t really talk right now…Ya, I’m with Sasuke…we’re just chatting at his place…mhm…no I can’t tonight I have work in the morning…alright, love ya…bye.” She clicked her phone off and set it back down on the table. “Sorry. He’s so jealous of you it’s hilarious.”

        “I really, truly, cannot imagine why,” Sasuke muttered darkly, finishing his drink. He wasn’t particularly fond of Kiba, mostly from the countless times Hinata showed up on his doorstep with black tears running down her cheeks and a broken heart on her sleeve.

“I’m sure it’ll only get worse once were roomies,” Hinata giggled, swishing her hair over her shoulder and leaning forward. “But he’ll come around,” Sasuke’s eyes moved to the curve of her chest again, watching her shirt slip lower to reveal more cleavage. He shifted his thoughts to an awful zombie movie that he watched last week to stave off the growing excitement that was pressing against his jeans. She shifted her position to criss-cross applesauce and turned so that she was facing him. Why did she have to wear such low cut tops? He set down his beer and turned to face her, crossing his legs to hide his embarrassment.

        “So, what were we talking about?” She paused. “Oh yeah, Naruto. So yeah, we were in youth group together and his mom would always make us cookies and shit. She was there for me when my parents started fighting really bad. She was great.” She dropped her head to rest on her hand, reaching into her cleavage to pull out the silver cross she wore with utmost devotion.

        “Was?” Sasuke attempted to hide the desperate curiosity that was leaking into his inflection.

        “Mhm. I haven’t really seen him or his fam in a few years. His dad passed away a few years ago, and they stopped coming to church.” Sasuke nodded quietly, watching Hinata toy with her necklace for a bit more before returning it to its home between her breasts.

        “God, that’s awful…” Sasuke’s voice trailed off and he swiped a thumb across his lips in contemplation.

        “He never really talked about it. I dunno if he’s into men though, Sask.”

        “I’m not into him!” Sasuke threw his hands up exasperatedly.

“Just as well. I blew him at one of our camp retreat thingies and he came so fast. He probably wouldn’t be able to keep up with you.”

“Damn, Hinata. You were a freak in high school,” Sasuke’s heart sunk a little at her words.

        “Uh huh, sure. Well, when you finesse him into dating you, you’ll have to invite him to double with me and Kiba. I’d love to catch up with him. God…it’s been like…5 years?”

        “Ha…we’ll see about that. So, how’s the novel coming?” Sasuke changed the subject, shifting uncomfortably. His mind had begun to play a scenario that involved both Hinata _and_ Naruto, and he was starting to have a hard time controlling himself.

        “Hmm…I’m not really sure to be honest. My dad keeps begging to help edit but I’d literally rather die.”

        “I understand how you feel, but wouldn’t it be somewhat beneficial? He’s won all those awards, so he must be doing something right.” Sasuke nearly whispered with how softly he tried to suggest the forbidden subject.

        “I’ve considered it, from a purely professional point. But I know it’d do more harm than good. Besides, it’s something I want to do on my own. I don’t want publishers to see ‘Hyuuga’ in the credits and just hand me a deal ‘cause of it. I’ve gotta prove I don’t need him.”

        “I know the feeling…”

        They sat in a comfortable silence for a while. The rhythmic tapping of Hinata’s manicured nails on her phone relaxed Sasuke, and he leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes, now thinking of how much he missed his brother. His excitement faded, and his rigid demeanor was able to relax around her once more.

        “Are you okay?” She suddenly asked. Sasuke’s body jolted, nearly asleep when Hinata called to him. He was careful to keep his eyes on her face only as she spoke.

        “Hmm? Yeah, I’m fine. What time is it?” He rubbed his eyes.

        “It’s only been like 20 minutes.” she yawned slightly. “Sask, you look really tired. Let’s hang this weekend, ok? I’ll have Kiba help me move in next week or so. You should get some rest.” She stood up from the couch and walked to the front door. Sasuke slowly trailed behind, continuing to rub his eyes.  “Dream of Naruto,” she winked.

“Shut the fuck up, Hinatitty,” he rolled his eyes, feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket.

“That’s me!” she smiled, grabbing her chest playfully. “Text me if you need anything,” she turned around and leaned in for a hug. Sasuke held her tightly, dropping his hands down to her hips and his face into her shoulder.

        “Sasuke?” Her arms linked tighter round his neck, and she ran her fingers through his hair. They stood like that for a while, with Hinata’s breathing slowed to match his.

        “I miss you,” Sasuke muttered into her shoulder, wiling away his excitement again. He desperately hoped she couldn’t feel him wanting her so badly.

        “I’m right here…” Hinata whispered, rubbing the nape of his neck softly. He released her, grabbing her hand and giving it a small squeeze before opening the door for her. “You’ll probably get sick of me once I move in.”

        “Yeah, cause I’ve totally gotten sick of you before,” Sasuke joked. “Kiba’s waiting,” He smiled softly, dropping her hand. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

        “It’s fine. I’ll text you when I’m home.” Sasuke nodded, and Hinata bit her lip as if she had more to say. With a muttered goodbye, she slipped her bag over her shoulder and walked out of the doorframe and into the elevator. Sasuke watched her intently, returning her somber grin as the elevator doors closed, the faint smell of her designer perfume lingering on the front of his shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share!


	2. The Journal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recommend listening to the Twin Peaks theme song before reading this chapter. I had it on repeat the entire time I wrote this section. You can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eIFh8eH6PU  
> Special thanks to my dear friend Sam for editing.  
> This chapter contains descriptions of sexual assault. Please use caution when reading.

 

        “Oh, god…” Sasuke muttered, stepping into his shower and letting the water burn his skin. He turned on his shower playlist, ignoring the several text messages he hadn’t opened. He desperately tried to get Hinata out of his mind for the remainder of the evening, but to no avail. It was a terrible blend of situational irony that he was experiencing _those_ feelings for his best friend. His hand moved down as he let scalding water run over his bruised, shuddering skin. It was a mess of feelings that seeped out from a pathetic cliché, and he couldn’t keep his mind focused as his hand worked. His thoughts wandered over to Naruto’s cheek markings and broad shoulders. He thought of the curve of Hinata’s chest and her smooth pale legs. But then he thought of the deep indents below his brothers’ eyes and he had to stop. He attempted to think of something, anything to finish, but his brain wouldn’t comply. He remembered the last time he’d gone to his childhood home nearly a year ago. In a bout of painful frustration, he sunk to the tile floor, closing his eyes and tipping his head under the showerhead as his mind unwillingly recalled his most painful memories.

 

* * *

 

        It had been nearly a year since he was last in his late brother’s childhood bedroom. He was home from college, visiting his parents for the holidays. He paused outside of the door, his hand hovering over the handle. Would Itachi be ok with him going through his things? If only he were here to ask. But then again, he made damn sure he wouldn’t be. After a lifetime of contemplation, Sasuke turned the doorknob and stepped into the room. Everything was just as he remembered it; black cotton sheets, a simple iron bed frame, a few posters of obscure concept art on the wall. He hesitantly took a few steps further into the room, his eyes flicking over to the closet. Itachi’s clothes still hung the way they always had. Sasuke walked up to the open closet and reached out to touch the hanging fabric. He shuffled through a few of the sweaters, finally finding the last gift he’d bought his brother. It was the grey cashmere one Sasuke had given him just before he died. He felt his eyes well up as he pulled the sweater off of the hanger and rubbed it against his cheek softly, inhaling deeply in an attempt to find his brothers’ familiar smell. Unable to smell anything other than dust, he resolved to keep it, careful to put back the clothing he had disturbed, before slipping the sweater over his head. It felt warm and familiar, although he had only seen his brother wear it a few times. He did another quick scan of the room, and his eyes caught sight of the bookshelf above his bed. He sunk down onto the bed, desperately smelling the blanket and pillow in hopes of finding any last traces of his scent. Unsuccessful, he reached up to the bookshelf and pulled down Itachi’s favorite book, a tattered copy of _The Great Gatsby._ As he retrieved the book, a few of the other items on the shelf were knocked off and bounced down onto the bed.

        “Shit…” Sasuke muttered softly, pulling the book down to his lap. He spent a few moments flipping through it, reading Itachi’s frequent marginal annotations. For a moment, he let his teary eyes wander, until they settled on a composition notebook that had landed on the floor from the bookshelf fall. Curious, Sasuke put _The Great Gatsby_ down on the side table and slid off the bed. He picked up the composition notebook and glanced down at the open page.

 

_Dear Sasuke,_

_I feel as if the hurt in my heart will soon grow too large to bear alone._

 

        Sasuke plopped back down on the bed, finding his place again. He recognized Itachi’s perfect scrawl immediately; his eyes widening as he continued down the page.

 

_I’m really not sure how much more of this I can take…_

 

        “Oh my god…” Sasuke whispered, covering his mouth in shock. He flipped the book closed and peered through his glazed eyes at the cover. It was smartly labeled “Algebra 2”, presumably to ward off any prying eyes. Sasuke’s tears began to freely fall as he realized what he was holding. It was Itachi’s diary. Unable to deny his overwhelming curiosity, Sasuke flipped to the front of the journal and scanned the page hungrily, desperate for the answers he’d needed for years.

 

_Dear Sasuke,_

 

        Why was his brother writing to him on every page?

 

_It has taken some getting used to, but I really feel as though I’ve found “the one”. I really can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love Shisui-_

 

        “What the FUCK?” Sasuke whisper shouted, sinking back down into the bed. “Itachi and Shisui were...Is that why he didn’t come to the funeral? ‘Cause he was worried mom and dad found out?” He furiously wiped away his new tears, accidentally letting one drip onto the page. He wiped it off with his thumb, causing Itachi’s beautiful manuscript to smudge. He flipped further into the book, skimming the pages until a particular one caught his eye. It was written in red ink, unlike the rest of the pages which consisted strictly of blue or black. The page was also tear soaked, with several chicken scratches over misspelled words, and the usual neatness by which Itachi wrote was instead a messy, nearly illegible scrawl. He had clearly been in unfathomable agony while writing these pages.

 

_Dear Sasuke,_

_Shisui says I need to talk to someone about what happened to me. Like a professional, I guess. I don’t know how I’d see a therapist without raising concern. I’ve always presumed myself to be well spoken and well mannered. I’ve always put everyone else’s needs in front of mine. But lately that hasn’t been the case...and I’ve been pushing you away more and more. I feel so guilty. I keep making you feel as though you’ve done something wrong. I hate myself for hurting you. I wanna die so fucking badly. I can’t tell anyone about what happened. Even if I did, nothing would come out of it. He’s is so well respected...no one would believe me._

 

        “What?” Sasuke whisper shouted to himself, forcing himself to consciously focus so that his eyes wouldn’t read ahead of his brain. His heart was pounding, threatening to leap out of his throat.

 

_Shisui is the only person who knows. I tried to get him to leave me. He doesn’t deserve to be with damaged goods like me. I just feel so goddamn broken. I’m probably not even making much sense right now...I might rip these pages out later. I’m having a hard time seeing through my tears… how pathetic of me. I’m supposed to be the sensible one aren’t I?_

 

        Sasuke bit his lip in anticipation, and he let his tears continue to stream down his cheeks in endless salty rivulets. Why was this addressed to him?

 

_I remember feeling so fucking scared and vulnerable as he slid his hand up my thigh. It was just supposed to be an interview for an internship. I didn’t know what to do, so I just fucking sat there. When he kissed me, my head felt like it would explode from the fear. I was shaking so goddamn hard, and he knew it. I think it excited him even more, that I was so scared._

 

        Sasuke felt his heart bursting at the realization of what was happening.

 

_He started to kiss me some more, and when I asked him to stop he just moved to my neck. I started begging, but he just kept ignoring me and continuing. I don’t remember much of what happened after that, I guess. I’ve blocked it out. Except the pain. Oh god, it hurt so fucking bad. I can’t forget the pain. I was biting on my hand so I wouldn’t scream, and I bit so hard the skin tore. I told you it got cut on some broken glass, but I don’t think you believed me._

_It was probably only 10 minutes, but it felt like lifetimes. I closed my eyes and prayed for the first time in years just to beg God to strike me down then and there, just so it would stop._

_I’ll never forget what he said as he was hurting me._

 

        His heart shattered. “No...he didn’t…” his breath increased rapidly, and he began seeing double as he staggered to the guest bathroom, feeling his dinner come back up.

 

_“This will guarantee you the internship.”_

 

        When his body had finished retching, he sunk to the floor in agony, pounding the ground with as much force as he could, crying out in loud fits of anguish. And then there was near silence; the only noise his stomach rumbling in complaint of it’s emptiness as he lay on the bathroom floor. He lost track of time, watching the unchanging yellow bathroom light until his eyes stung from overuse. Someone… Itachi had trusted...abused his position of power and hurt him so badly, that he felt like the only way to stop the pain was to just...stop all feeling once and for all. And who was to say Itachi was his only victim? Sasuke’s throat burned at the thought. It was hours before he got up off of the floor, reaching under the sink for a few painkillers for the splitting headache he had. He watched himself swallow, his swollen eyes a stormy gray. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to finish what Itachi had written. It hurt so much just to imagine, and he couldn’t fathom what Itachi had felt. But most of all, he wasn’t sure his heart could take another letter addressed to him ever again.

 

_When he finished, he told me that he’d fax over the paperwork for the internship straight away. I remember pulling my pants back up, but my hands were shaking so fucking bad that I couldn’t re-buckle my belt properly. When I got home, I ran up the stairs past mom and dad and got into the shower. The water was so hot my skin bubbled, but I didn’t care. If I had to skin myself to get him off of me, I’d do it. I scrubbed my skin raw. You asked what happened the next day and I told you I had a sunburn, but it was winter and you didn’t believe me again._

_He’s probably done this to so many other people. I haven’t even bothered to check if I’ve contracted something. Shisui begs me to take care of myself. He wants me to get tested and talk to the cops, but I know it would only do more harm than good now. I’ve started to treat him horribly. I can’t think of any other way to get him to just leave me already. I wish I could forget it even happened, but every time I feel Shisui’s hands on me I go back to that goddamn empty classroom, and I feel his breath on my neck and his hands holding me against that chalkboard wall. I can feel the metal bar where the eraser goes bruising my stomach relentlessly as he slams me against it over and over and I can feel my hand aching from my bite. Shisui keeps insisting I’m a victim but I know it’s my own goddamn fault that I got in this situation. I’ve just gotta figure out how to cope with the consequences. I hope I can tell you this in person. To look you in the eyes and tell you the whole truth. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to._

 

        Sasuke’s breath had shifted from hyperventilation to a complete halt. He gasped, feeling as though his lungs could burst at any moment. And then it hit him; the anger. He was so fucking angry at his father for making Itachi go to that interview. He was mad at Itachi for thinking it was his fault. But most of all, he was mad that this god forsaken letter was addressed to him when he was 14 years old. Sasuke’s blind rage bubbled, and he finally resolved to give into his pent-up frustration. In a fit of rage, he punched a hole into the wall, listening to the bones in his hand produce a sickening crunch as they connected.

 

_Dear Sasuke,_

_I finally worked up the courage to tell mother and father what happened at the interview. When I told them, father brushed it off and implied I was lying. He said he thinks I might be confusing myself into thinking something happened because I was so nervous going into it. He said he didn’t believe me because he knows I’m not “one of those queers”, so there’s “no way I’d let something like that happen”. Shisui cried when I told him. I know he wants them to accept our relationship really badly. I know that dad is right. I know it’s my fault. I should’ve fought him off, but I just froze. I’m not sure what to do…_

 

        "Sasuke?” he heard his father calling his name up the stairs. “What’s going on up there?” Hearing his father’s voice flipped the switch, and he bounded down the stairs at a lightning speed, clutching the book to his chest with his good hand.

 

_Everything feels so hopeless, Sasuke._

 

        “Sas- oh my god! Sasuke what happened to your hand?” Fugaku leapt up from his chair, casting his reading glasses to the side and running to Sasuke’s side. Sasuke was visibly shaking, his anger bubbling up in his throat and threatening to spill out.

 

_I have acted like the older brother you desired for one reason… because I wanted to discover how powerful you were._

 

        “Is that...Itachi’s sweater? What were you doing in his room? Mikoto, I think his hand is broken,” Fugaku called to his wife in the kitchen, who was busily preparing dessert. She set down the bowl she was holding and hurried over to her son, her brows knit with worry.

 

_You're much stronger than me, Sasuke._

 

        “Sasuke what happened? What was that loud noise?”

        “Don’t FUCKING touch me.” He ripped his injured hand from his father’s gentle grasp, and his parents eyes widened at his rough demeanor and word choice.

        “Now, wait just a minute, young man-”

        “DO YOU SEE THIS?” Sasuke furiously flapped Itachi’s journal in his parent’s faces.

        “Sasuke, calm down sweetie. Why do you have Itachi’s old math book?” His mother touched his face gently, trying to calm him down.

        “It’s not a math book. It’s his journal. It’s all the fucked-up shit that happened to him before he fucking KILLED HIMSELF, AND NO ONE’S EVER TALKING ABOUT IT.” He began hyperventilating, watching his father’s face twist in anger.

        “Sasuke! How dare you speak of your brother in such an irreverent manner. I will not have such language used in my house.”

        “YOU LIED TO ME!” he screeched, his voice cracking. “I bet you regret it huh?” His voice shook as he nodded furiously. “Not believing him? Fuck you.” He shoved past them, snatching his keys from the hook and slamming the door behind him. He thought he had heard one of them call out his name, but he couldn’t be sure as he revved up his engine.

 

* * *

 

        Sasuke let out a low pitched sob as he smacked his head against the wet tile repeatedly, feeling his forehead tighten under the pressure. He regretted letting Hinata leave.

 

_We do not know what kind of people we truly are until the moment before our deaths. As death comes to embrace you, you will realize what you are. That’s what death is, don’t you think? I have told you the whole truth. I won’t be able to ever again. I have always lied to you and asked for your forgiveness for keeping you at a distance because I wanted to keep you out of this... but now I think that perhaps you could’ve changed father, mother, and maybe even me as well. If I had only come to you from the start- looked straight into your eyes and told you the truth- then you wouldn’t have found me, laying before you as a failure. But I want to impart at least this much truth to you - You don’t ever have to forgive me. And whatever you do from here on out, know this: no matter what I will love you always._

_Sasuke, I’m sorry but I don’t think that I’ll be able to keep my promise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share XOXO


	3. Hinata

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains descriptions of domestic violence and victim blaming. Please use caution when reading.

        The steam of the shower seemed to only muddle Sasuke’s thoughts further, and he furiously wiped away the tears that had formed as he finished washing himself. He wrapped a towel around his waist and grabbed his phone, entering his room.

        “Sasuke, you worry me sometimes,” Hinata used to say, her brows knit in worry and her eyes clouded over. Sasuke had gotten used to her worrying, whether it be over his eating habits, sleep schedule or grades.

        He struggled with the inner turmoil of being her shoulder to cry on when Kiba was mistreating her. But what would become of their friendship if he told her how he felt? If only he could tell her how much better things would be with him. But would they be better? Wouldn’t Hinata rather be mistreated the way she had for so long, rather than dealing with Sasuke’s tragedies? She’d already been doing her job as the supportive best friend, but the amount of pressure to care for Sasuke’s well being in a romantic relationship would be too much to ask of her.

        Could he be happy just playing his role of best friend? Or could he somehow have the courage to step outside of his own frame, become the man that Itachi wanted him to be, and the partner Hinata deserved.

        He finished drying himself and slipped on some socks and a pair of black sweatpants that had been washed so many times they had become dark gray. He moved to the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge, and sunk down into the loveseat in his living room. He switched off every light except the ones above the bar, which cast a dim glow that reflected on the marble counter. He was having trouble remembering to eat regularly, but his stomach rumbled and he remembered that he hadn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday. Just as he raised his phone to order a pizza, he heard his front door creak open. He jumped up, alarmed that someone had walked in without ringing the door buzzer, until he recognized the outline of the person’s body.

        “God, Hinata, don’t scare me like that.” He chuckled softly, slipping his phone into his pocket.

        “S-s-Sasuke-” Hinata sobbed, closing the distance between them and wrapping her arms around his waist. “I have to..” She rested her cheek against his bare chest, letting her tears flow freely. Sasuke felt the droplets fall down onto his stomach, squeezing her tightly before pulling her away to look at her. He could just make out her teary eyes in the glow of the dim lighting.

        “Oh my god, what the hell happened?” he flipped the light switch on behind her and moved his hands to her shoulders. He held her firmly, and she wiped her right eye, leaving a long smudge of mascara across her cheek. “Did...Kiba do this to you?” Sasuke’s voice rose, and he felt his anger bubble up in his throat as he gently caressed Hinata’s face.

        “No, I fell…” She whimpered unconvincingly, pushing her bangs to the side to cover her black eye.

        "I’m gonna fucking kill him,” Sasuke dropped his arms and shoved past her, yanking his keys off the hook.

        “No! Sasuke, don’t.” She caught his free hand just in time to stop him. His other hand hovered over the doorknob. He spun around slowly, grabbing her shoulders again.

        “Why do you let him do this to you?” Sasuke yelled, shaking her and catching her eyes with his. She avoided his gaze, and he dropped his arms again, rehung his keys, and walked to the kitchen, running his hands through his damp hair in a desperate attempt to regain his composure. He made a futile attempt to steady his rapid breathing. Hinata walked over to the couch, sinking down and crying into her hands as Sasuke returned with a bag of ice. He pressed it to her eye as gently as he could, and she placed her hand over his, finally meeting his gaze.

        “What is it?” He asked, refusing to break eye contact with her and she stroked his hand with her thumb.

        “I tried to ease him into it...moving in with you. And then he..."

        “Why is he so insecure in your relationship? It’s not appropriate for him to be upset over your friends, Hinata. We haven’t done anything wrong. This feels like I’m back in fucking high school, for god sakes.” She merely nodded, and Sasuke used her silence as a prompt to continue berating her.

        “Why do you stay with him? I didn’t know it had gotten this bad. If I had...” The words that Sasuke wanted to say were caught in his throat like a fish bone. He didn’t know how to tell her how he felt. He didn’t know if he _could_ tell her. Sasuke turned away from her, running his hand through his damp hair.

        “You’re thinking about Itachi, aren’t you?” she asked softly, leaning back from him.

        “Hinata, you need to break up with him.”

        “Shut up, Sasuke, you don’t really know anything about it.” She shot back defensively, avoiding his gaze. She bit her lip, bringing her free hand to her chin.

        “I don’t need to _know_ anything. I can _see_ with my eyes that he’s hurting you, Hinata.” He snarled, gesturing to her eye.

        “It’s my fault, okay? He told me he doesn’t like to hear me talking about you so much, and when I told him I was moving in with you he lost it.” she muttered the last bit, readjusting her icepack and flipping it to the colder side.

            “Hinata...you know damn well that none of this is your fault.” He caught her gaze again, and she whimpered at his touch as he wiped away the streaks of mascara on her face.

        “Whatever. We’re working it out, okay? I love him and he loves me. It’ll be fine.” Her words sounded as though she was reassuring herself more than Sasuke. He said nothing, and he felt his heart leap into his throat. He wanted to tell her so badly.

        “God dammit Sasuke!” she yelled, breaking Sasuke out of his trance. “Why are you reading his fucking journal again?” She picked up the tattered notebook from the side table, waving it angrily in Sasuke’s face. “Stop reading this! It hurts you too much…” her voice softened at the end.

        “I don’t mind hurting. When my heart aches, it reminds me.”

        “Sasuke…”

        “We were talking about you, Hinata. Stop bringing up Itachi.” He ripped the journal from her grasp and placed it back on the side table. “Yes, I was fucking thinking of him. Fucking sue me for thinking of my goddamn dead brother.”

        “Sasuke!”

        “Stop making me feel worse for not doing anything! I was fucking fourteen when he offed himself! You think I don’t _know_ that I couldn’t do anything to stop it? I didn’t even know it was fucking happening.”

        “Stop putting words in my mou―”

        “You’re letting someone you love abuse you!” He interrupted, his voice raising. “You can change it or get the hell out of it! Itachi didn’t have the luxury of a choice and he ended everything because of it! So you’re damn right I’m comparing you to him.” Sasuke stepped closer, yelling directly into her face.

        “Why are you so angry at me? You think I chose to fall in love with a guy that beats the shit out of me?” She snarled, shoving his chest away from her.

        “BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, HINATA. GOD, WHY IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?” He felt the vein in his forehead bulge as he screeched, unable to control the anger bubbling in his throat. How could he fall for such a stupid little girl?

        “I just thought…” Hinata’s voice cracked into sobs. “I thought that when you meet the right person...everything just works out.” She dropped her face into her hands.

        “He’s not the right fucking person, Hinata. He’s a piece of shit.”

        “It’s not the same thing as what happened to Itachi.” she looked up at him, her makeup smudged to create racoon-esque eyes. “Kiba’s not some authoritative figure that took advantage of me by abusing his position of power. I know you’re hurting over him a lot these days, what with the anniversary of his dea―”

        “Do you know why I read his journal over and over? I like reading what he said to make sure I never fuck up that bad again. I’m never gonna let the people I love get hurt again. So stop brushing me off when I show genuine concern for you. Stop punishing me for caring. Stop accepting this bullshit behavior from Kiba.” He huffed, stalking over to the kitchen and leaned on the counter.

        "You still think what happened to Itachi was your fault?” She got up and walked over to him, setting the ice down on the counter. “You’re comparing me to him yet again? Blaming yourself for other people’s choices?”

        “If only I had known from the start...he was dealing with so much. He was in love with someone that dad wouldn’t approve of, and then…” She reached for his hand, pulling him into her embrace. They held each other for what felt like hours; Sasuke’s tears wetting her shoulder and Hinata’s wetting his chest.

        “Can you see now? Why I can’t let you go on with him the way you do?”

        “It’s no one’s fault but mine, Sasuke.”

        “Please don’t tell yourself what he does is your fault...That’s what itachi used to do…”

        “I wish I could believe that. I wish I could stop being so terribly self indulgent and start doing the right thing.”

        “Then you should know…” he picked up his head to meet her gaze. “You deserve someone so much better.”

        “You mean…” she paused, inhaling deeply. “Someone like you?” Sasuke felt his heart stop in its tracks, and his mouth disconnected from his brain so that he was unable to formulate a coherent response.

        “Hinata, I―” she interrupted him.

        “I see...I see the way you look at me. A helpless victim like Itachi... I’ve wanted to say something for the longest time...but I hate feeling like this, and I hate talking about these feelings...and I hate crying about them even more.” she lifted her head, dropping her hands from him and looking him in the eyes again.

        “I know that there couldn’t be a worse time than this, but...I have to say it. Sasuke...you should know―” She took in a shaky breath, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. “―that no matter what happens, whether it’s me and Kiba, or me and you...from here on out, I’m always gonna love you.”

 

_You don’t ever have to forgive me. And whatever you do from here on out, know this: no matter what I will love you always._

           

        "I’ll always love you too, Hinata. That’s what friends are for, right?” Sasuke struggled to spit out the word _friends,_ which was the last thing he wanted to be with her. But he appreciated her transparency, at the very least.

        “No, Sasuke, I didn’t mean platonically.” Sasuke’s entire body exploded in fear.

        “But I...you…” but she stopped his stammering by closing the distance between them. Sasuke’s shock prevented him from closing his eyes, and he felt her tears hit his cheeks as she moved her lips against his. She moved her hand to the nape of his neck, forcing him closer as she worked. He moved his hand to her uninjured cheek and broke away, trying to find the right words to say. His entire body froze, and he felt as if his body would never move again from shock. Was this actually happening? The girl he’d loved for so long finally felt the same way?

        “Hinata...why did you do that?” He felt his brain pounding against his skull, and his lips were pursed as they stung with the sensation of pins and needles. She _loved_ him!

        “I’m sorry...I guess I’m just being selfish, kissing you like this, when I’m all battered and you’re thinking about Itachi. But if I didn’t say it now, I was never gonna say it. So let me say it again. I love you.” And there it was again.

        It should've been so simple; loving each other the way they did. But her words fucked with his feelings further and he felt as though he was hopelessly lost. Who was he when he wasn’t her best friend? It had become integrated in his identity and their relationship. He felt his skin crawl at the idea of stepping out into unknown territory, despite his deepest desire materializing right in front of him.

        Hundreds of thoughts disarranged his heart. He hoped the ground would split and swallow him whole, to prevent him from opening up his heart to such vulnerabilities.

        “Hinata...I’ve wanted to tell you how I feel for so long―” He exhaled shakily, preparing himself to _finally_ express his feelings. This was it: his chance to _finally_ lay it all on the line. He took another deep, anxious breath to prepare himself, struggling to find all the words he needed to say for so long. Should he read her his letter?

        “But that being said,” she interrupted, “I can’t just end our friendship this way.” She chose her words carefully, avoiding his eyes. “Please don’t ask me to choose…’cause it’ll be him. God...I shouldn’t have said anything.” Sasuke felt his heart splinter the way it had when he read Itachi’s journal for the first time. “And if you really do love me...the way I think you do...you’ll let me chose my own path.”

        “Even if it doesn’t include me?” Sasuke muttered, his chest deflating. He felt his hands trembling at her words, his feelings defeated before the battle had even begun.

        "I’m worried your feelings for me will change if I part with Kiba. Will you still desire to protect me if I stop reminding you of Itachi?”

        “What?” Sasuke hissed. His body shifted from disappointment to bubbling anger.  “What the fuck are you even saying? You’re in love with me and I’m in love with you and you’re saying I only love you because you remind me of Itachi? Why would you come to me this way? If you knew my feelings...why would you act on them only for it to end like this? Knowing I was having a hard time with Itachi again? Demanding I stop comparing you to him but fearing that one day I’ll stop? What the fuck is wrong with you?” He felt his heart accelerate at her words. Why would she say that?

        “I know how selfish I’m being...stringing you along and holding onto Kiba as well. I can’t be alone. I just can’t lose you right now, and I’m not ready for you to love me back. I feel like you treat me like some sort of fragile doll...Like a replacement for Itachi because you’re strong enough to protect me and save me like you couldn’t save him. And I love you for it, but I―” she peered up at him again, her voice cracking several times.

        “It’s not like that! You want us to love each other and not be together? Why are you choosing him over me? When I’ve been here all along?”

        “You don’t love me as anything other than Itachi’s replacement,” she bit her lip again, her voice straining as if she was convincing herself more than she was convincing him. “I’m worried that when you stop seeing me that way, then you’ll change. But I had to tell you how I feel.”

        "But It’s more than that! ! I do love you, Hinata! I’m so fucking hopelessly in love with you, but you’re not mine! And you don’t want to be!”

        “I’m sorry for dropping such a bomb like this, but I needed to say it. I want to help you overcome this obstacle, but I don’t know how. And maybe when you do, we can…”

        “I need you to go.”

        “Sasuke…”

        "You come in here to kick me when I’m down? You say you love me but you chose your piece of shit boyfriend that beats you up over me? You call me a liar and say that I only love you to compare you to Itachi?” She remained silent, shaking as his voice rose. “I can’t handle this right now. In fact I hope I fell asleep in the shower and this is just some kind of fever dream. If being in love with you means feeling this way...well I don’t fucking want to be.” He ran a frustrated hand through his damp hair. “God, I can’t do this right now...I’m not…please leave.”

        “I shouldn’t have said anything...I’m just traumatized from earlier...let’s just talk about this later. Everything’s okay―”

        “I said get the FUCK out! God!”  Sasuke covered his eyes with his hands, hearing her wince at his raised voice. She whispered his name once more, and left in a shaky haze, leaving behind her mascara trails on Sasuke’s skin. He broke down into choked sobs, the scent of her designer perfume lingering on his body.  “God, Itachi...I need you right now.”

        It was hours before Sasuke could find sleep. His overwhelming exhaustion did little to help him rest, and he lay awake for most of the night, his eyes closed but his mind running amuck with thoughts of love and loss. Who was he without Hinata? Could he be happy just staying her friend? Watching her submit herself to so much hurt, when he had been there all along?

        “God dammit!” He wailed, throwing the covers off of himself and slipping out of his bed. He shuffled into his livingroom and retrieved Itachi’s journal, sinking down onto the couch and flipping it open to the page written about Shisui. “Did you feel this way too, brother?” He whispered to himself, carefully stroking the page as he read the blue ink scrawls.

_Dear Sasuke,_

_It’s taken some getting used to, but I really feel as though I’ve found “the one”. I really can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love Shisui. When I think about him, I get so nervous. He says it’s cute that I’m so shy around him sometimes, but I just feel like a blushing school-girl. I’m 19! I shouldn’t be so giddy when he tells me he loves me. But when he says those three little words, my whole world shifts. It’s suddenly only us. I’m really glad you seem to like him, Sasuke. When he came over for dinner last week, I was dying to put my hands on him and show him off to mom and dad. I think I’ll have to ease them into it. I’m so glad that Shishui doesn’t expect me to come out to them just yet. He’s so supportive and he’s always pushing me to do my best! I’ve really hit the jackpot! I hope one day I can tell you the truth as well, Sasuke. I know you think he’s just my friend right now, but I hope you can accept us in the coming future._

_All my love,_

_Itachi_

 

        Sasuke regretted reading his brothers words instantly. _This_ was the Itachi he remembered. The straight-A, knock kneed dork that brought over his friend Shisui that he met in his biology class. He remembered Itachi’s radiance when he smiled in true happiness.

        “Shit,” he hissed at himself, sauntering back into his room and sifting through his sock drawer to find his old letter.

 

_Dear Hinata,_

 

        He wanted to read it to her in person, but he feared that the time to do so would never come.

             

_I’ve wanted to tell you how I feel for the longest time. But I know you had boyfriends and I was dealing with my feelings about Itachi and I knew it wouldn’t be fair for me to dump them on you like that. I wrote this letter to try to organize my thoughts on the matter, but I feel like, if anything, they’ve only gotten more jumbled._

 

        He cringed at his amature writing, letting his eyes wander a bit before continuing.

 

_To put it simply, I’m in love with you. I always have been, I know that now. But it took me a long time to be comfortable saying it to myself. If you could just be patient with me, maybe one day I’ll have the guts to tell you to your face...but for now, I’ll stay by your side however you need me._

 

        He couldn't bear to finish, and he angrily crumpled the letter into a ball before tossing it in the trash under his side table.

        He was bothered by her recklessness. He wasn’t sure what prompted her to confess to him at this point in time, and he was even more confused by her motives. What had been the point of breaking his heart twice in a row? Could she blame Kiba, her parents, or even him? Perhaps it was just her repressed emotions finally coming to light, wreaking havoc on Sasuke’s heart.

        He hated the uncertainty of not being in control. It reminded him so much of when Itachi died. The two most important people to him, hiding these secret double lives full of unfathomable pain. He wanted to help them so desperately; to be the savior that could take all of their suffering away. He pulled his journal off of the bookshelf above his bed and grabbed the pen on the side table.

 

_Maybe some have the feeling cured._

 

        He continued to scribble down his thoughts.

 

_Maybe not everyone had to feel like this all the damn time. Maybe they didn’t even want my help. If Hinata wanted me, then we’d be together. If Itachi wanted to live, then he would’ve lived. It’s as simple as that. Our actions define us. Every choice we make right up until the present moment is who we truly are. I just hope I can live with the consequences of mine._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share <3


	4. September

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking so long in between chapters. There's been so much happening in my personal life which has been frustrating to deal with, and then I changed a bit of the timeline in this story so I had to rewrite the chapter despite already having it almost completed. Regardless, I hope you continue to stay with the story and support the characters as they go through their trials.  
> This chapter contains descriptions of suicide. Please use caution when reading.

_Dear Sasuke,_

_I’ve started to realize that this pain that I’m feeling will never go away. I’m sure you have so many questions, and I’m sorry that I’ve always had to give you the runaround about what’s been going on with me. I’m so goddamn tired of living with all of these feelings. I’ve tried so hard to get better, but nothing is changing. I keep forgetting who I am as a person. I feel as though my identity has been stolen. I’ve ever been so existential as to wonder “who am I?” but that’s been something I’ve been asking myself a lot lately.  I guess I’m still a bit shaken up about mother and father brushing me off. I had hoped they’d be more understanding. I supposed I can’t blame father for not knowing what to do when his perfect child isn’t so perfect anymore. I miss them. I miss father’s constant nagging for me to do my best. He hardly speaks to me anymore. At least when he was nagging me I knew he cared. I’m so sorry I can’t tell you exactly what I’ve been going through. You keep having to deal with my mistakes, and that’s not fair to you. I feel like a waste of space. I just take and I take and I take and I never give anything in return. I’ve been neglecting you so badly, Sasuke. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you as well. I want you to know that things will be different soon. You won’t have to worry about me anymore. Please never forget how much I love you, Sasuke._

 

        It was September, Sasuke’s least favorite month of the year. The leaves had just barely begun to turn, and the air was finally starting to burn his lungs during his walks home from school. He hated the detachment he felt during the numbness of early fall. There was no significance in these first few weeks of the season, and he had just begun high school. He had imagined something much more glamorous waiting for him. He supposed he would have to try harder to be social if he was ever going to make the rest of the ordeal tolerable. It was early afternoon, and the streets were bustling with teenagers excited about the weekend. His walk home was somewhat pleasant; he enjoyed the solitude it offered as he lumbered down the road. The crispness in the air made his nose sting and his eyes water as he passed his old elementary school. He spotted a few of the kids from his neighborhood and waved hello as he passed the playground to the crosswalk. He tried to keep to the right to avoid oncoming cars, annoyed that the shortest path back to his house didn’t have any sidewalks towards the end. His hands felt a lick of moist, chilly air as he took them out of his pockets to change the song on his phone. He noted the greyness of the sky overhead. He likened the color to Itachi’s eyes after he had been crying. The smoky clouds were uncharacteristic for how early it was in the afternoon, but he disregarded it as oncoming rain as he saw his house come into view. Entering through the side door, he slid off his boots and dropped his bag on the bench in the corner of the mud room.

        “Mom?” He checked, hearing no response. He was used to coming home to an empty house in the afternoons. His father wasn’t due until later that evening and his mother often took walks with the other mothers in the neighborhood while the weather was still bearable. Feeling his stomach rumble, he grabbed a cheese stick from the fridge and bounded up the stairs to his room. He heard soft, calming music leaking out of Itachi’s bedroom as he walked by. Excited that his brother was home, he called out his name.

        “Itachi?” He pushed his brother’s door open gently and stepped inside. Itachi was resting on his bed in an unnaturally perfect position. His hands were clasped over his chest as if he were posing. “Ita.” Sasuke moved further into the room, wanting Itachi to wake up so that they could shoot some hoops in the backyard until their mother came home to make dinner.

        “Itachi, c’mon wake up.” He closed the distance between them, putting his hands on his elder brothers shoulders and shaking him gently. Unresponsive and cold, Itachi’s mouth opened slightly from the movement. Shaking him more violently, Sasuke’s throat began to close up as he realized that his brother wasn’t waking up.

        “Itachi!?” His voice had turned frantic as he shook his brother even more violently. Itachi’s long ponytail swished side to side as Sasuke shook him.

        “Oh my god! Itachi please wake up!” Sasuke begged his brother frantically, feeling for a pulse that wasn’t there. He dropped his ear to his mouth, desperately listening for any sign of breathing before running down the stairs and grabbing the home phone from its charging station on the kitchen counter.

 

* * *

 

        Sasuke’s phone was no match for his bath as he dropped it into the water, hands fumbling from the surprise of hearing _that_ song come on shuffle. He thought he had removed the artist from his phone, but the haunting melody that played as he desperately tried to revive his brother all those years ago continued to play in a garbled moan as he quickly fished his phone out of the water. Leaping from the bath, he slid into his kitchen; wet feet nearly causing him to lose his balance as he headed for his pantry. He dropped his phone down into his huge bag of rice and silently prayed that it wasn’t toast.

        He made his way back to his bathroom, shivering from the air conditioning hitting his bare, dripping skin. He let the water drain, toweling off and moving into his room to slip into another pair of his endless supply of worn out sweatpants.

        His thoughts drifted to his conversation with Suigetsu from last week when they had lunch on campus.

        “Maybe talking to Shisui would give you the closure you need,” his friend suggested over his lunch. It was a futile attempt to console Sasuke’s aching heart. Sasuke didn’t believe that closure was a real thing, and Suigetsu’s suggestions were just rehashed ideas that he had back in highschool. Everyone felt useless. He felt as though nothing would ever be resolved. The only person that had a thread of understanding was nowhere to be found.

 

_She was never sure of me, but I was always sure of her._

 

        He let his thoughts drift further; his water logged phone resting in its rice bed as he shuffled.

        Hinata had always urged him to talk to his brother's lover, but Sasuke hadn’t seen Shisui in nearly 8 years. Itachi’s funeral was a small, private affair held at the church they grew up going to. The Uchiha’s had extended Shisui a personal invitation to the ordeal, under the guise that he was Itachi’s best friend, and not the lover that Sasuke had come to know reading Itachi’s final words. He questioned whether or not Shisui knew that Itachi had left such intimate details of their relationship to him. He hadn’t known Shisui very well, but he knew that if he was in the same position, he’d be fairly uncomfortable that his personal experiences were written somewhere, being read by someone outside of the relationship. He likened it to Hinata’s cousin Neji reading the journal pages detailing his fantasies about her, and the idea made Sasuke shudder.

        He wondered if the romantic nature of the relationship was the reason Shisui had skipped out on his brother’s funeral. Maybe he was worried that Itachi had finally come out to his family and their reactions were the catalyst that made his decision for him.

        That’s what drove Sasuke absolutely insane. There was no definite answer. It was just easy to blame his father for Itachi’s pain.

        He had picked up his phone countless times, pulling up his parents numbers, clicking his phone off before giving himself the chance to dial. He didn’t have the strength to face them. The shame that Itachi had left in his childhood home was too much to bear. Hadn’t it been far too long to forgive them? For them to forgive Sasuke? To forgive Itachi? Sasuke had no idea how his parents were feeling, and he mostly didn’t care to.

        Hours passed. He couldn’t seem to get the blonde off of his mind. His constant cluster fuck of thoughts had begun to take its toll on him as he let his focus drift from Naruto’s eyes to Hinata’s thighs. Shaking his head violently, he bounded down the stairs to the kitchen cabinet and poured himself a glass of wine. He reached for a bit of toast and slapped some cheese on top, sinking down onto the couch. He watched his softened stomach rise and fall as he sipped his wine. Sasuke’s strict diet and exercise regime had begun to falter in light of recent events, and he couldn’t bring himself to maintain his protein intake or hit up the campus gym with his friends. Unfortunately, Sasuke knew that it was starting to show, which only depressed him further. He reached for his phone and clicked it on, breathing a sigh of relief that it seemed to be fine.

        He finished off the bread and cheese, sliding open his phone and clicking open his Buzzfeed app to take a stupid quiz to remedy his boredom. Just as he was about to click on _Answer Six Random Questions And We’ll Reveal Your New Celebrity Boyfriend_ his phone began buzzing rapidly with an incoming call from the very guy that wouldn’t get out of his fucking head.

        He debated answering, realizing it was Friday and instantly feeling guilty for his plans to break his promise about the frat party. Sasuke gritted his teeth, exhaling deeply and picking up the call just a couple rings shy of letting the voicemail get it.

        “Hey Sas, where you at? I texted ya but you didn’t answer!” Sasuke heard the bumping and grinding of the music in his ear, and he shuddered at the thought of leaving his house tonight for any reason other than take out. Setting down his wine, he took a deep breath, wracking his brain for a polite excuse so as not to offend his friend.

        "Hey Naruto, I’m so sorry I didn’t respond. I haven’t been feeling well lately so I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it to the party. But I’ll see you on Monday, ok?” Sasuke bit his lip, hoping that Naruto’s density would work in his favor and that he wouldn’t detect the insincerity in his voice he so desperately tried to mask.

        “Yo man are you good? You sound kinda off…” His voice trailed off, and Sasuke heard a female voice calling Naruto’s name.

        “Yep! Have fun! Bye.” He ended the call quickly, tossing his phone onto the coffee table and picking his wine back up. He took a few more sips, until he was finishing his glass. And then he had another, and then another. Effectively wine drunk, Sasuke almost didn’t notice when the door buzzer sounded for the first time. But then it rang again, and he stumbled his way to the front, his heart begging God for the person at his door to be Hinata.

        "Hello?" A familiar scraggly voice sounded through the intercom. Sasuke's heart dropped to his ass as he opened the door slowly, met with none other than his Advanced Literature partner.

        Naruto was a very distinct and boyish handsome; his long blonde hair was sticking up every which way from the light drizzle of autumn rain that was beginning to wind down. His eyes, bright and cheerful, instantly dropped when he took in Sasuke’s disheveled state. He pushed his way in, sans invitation, despite Sasuke's protests.

        “Dude, what are you doing? I didn’t say you could come in.” Naruto walked into the kitchen, retrieving a cup from the cabinet and filling it with water. He walked back over to Sasuke wordlessly, and launched the water at his confused face.

        “What the fuck?” Sasuke stuttered, shivering as the liquid hit his bare skin. 

        “Sober enough to talk now?” Naruto rolled his eyes, making his way to the love seat in the living room and beckoning Sasuke to sit with him. Sasuke followed in disbelief. He was certain he and Naruto weren’t good enough friends for him to behaving so comfortably in his home.

        “How the fuck did you get my address?” He sunk down next to him, running a hand through his dripping hair.

        “I checked the school directory?” Naruto rolled his eyes as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He shifted his body to completely face Sasuke. “So are you going to tell me what’s going on, or am I gonna have to sober you up some more?”

        “God Uzumaki what’s wrong with you? What about your party?” Sasuke nearly shouted. He couldn’t believe he was so attracted to someone so... _annoying._

        “We’ll save _my_ childhood traumas for another time. I don't care about some stupid party. I’m here for you, Sasuke,” his tone softened.

        “Why do you care? Why would you go so far for me? You don’t even know me.” Sasuke shifted away from him, his words slurring and his heart pounding harder with every breath.

        "Cause I’m your friend!” It seemed so straightforward. So simple. Sasuke’s heart broke further as a tear slipped from his left eye, and Naruto’s reassuring smile twisted to confusion as Sasuke dropped his head into his hands.

        “God...I’m so embarrassing when I’m shit faced. I hope you don’t hold this against me,” Sasuke muttered, wiping his tears away. He was unable to look Naruto in the face.

        “It’s really fine, Sasuke. Do you want to talk about it?” Naruto’s scraggly voice soothed Sasuke’s pounding brain as he slowly lifted his face, forcing himself to meet his friend’s gaze.

        “God...where do I start? I’m worried about scaring you off. But maybe it’s best I just tell you everything, and then you can decide. I won’t hold anything against you. I’m just worried you’ll get tired of me.” Sasuke shuddered at his openness. What was it about Naruto that made him want to spill his guts?

        “I can tell you a bit about me first, if that makes you more comfortable. I know vulnerability can be scary. I’ve just got this mantra I follow...to never give up. To never go back on my word. So I’m sorry if I come off pushy and demanding. I just like you a lot, Sasuke. I want us to be friends.”

        “It’s fine. Can you go first though?” Naruto nodded his head, taking a deep breath.

        “It’s been just me and my mom for a while, now. My dad passed away when I was 17. We were on the way back from my birthday dinner. I had just gotten my license, so he let me drive…” Naruto’s voice began to trail off, and Sasuke’s heart broke at the realization of what he was about to say.

        “Naruto...you don’t have to-”

        “And it was late. Someone had been drinking, and...well I’m sure you can figure out what happened.” Naruto shook his head slightly. “I haven’t cried about it in a while. It’s really fine. I know my dad is ok up in heaven and stuff. But like...I worry about my mom a lot. I think she’s pretty lonely when I’m at school.”

        “And so you live at home, then?” Sasuke pressed gently. Naruto nodded, leaning back into his seat. He kept his eyes locked on Sasuke’s so intensely that he had to turn away.

        “Hey...your eyes are grey, not black. I never noticed that before.” Sasuke felt the scalp turn pink at Naruto’s comment, and he internally cursed himself for letting his crush turn him into a blushing schoolgirl.

        "I’m really sorry about your father, Naruto.”

        “‘S ok. I’ve accepted what happened. God has a plan for all of us.”

        “Well why the fuck was it God’s plan for my brother to kill himself?” Naruto’s jaw dropped open like in saturday morning cartoons, and Sasuke berated himself for being so rash. “God, I’m sorry. What the fuck is wrong with me? Have I scared you off, yet?” Naruto shook his head slowly, prompting Sasuke to continue with his eyes.

        “I’m sorry. I know that’s not even how it works. I’m a Christian too. I haven’t been to church in years though.” Naruto nodded understandingly, waiting for Sasuke to continue.

        “Um...so I had a brother. Itachi. He was about 5 years older than me, but we were super close. He was my best friend. When I was fourteen, I…” A fresh wave of tears escaped Sasuke’s eyes and he angrily wiped them away.

        “Sasuke.” He turned to meet the blonde’s gaze. “It’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to cry about it. It’s okay to be angry. I have the feeling that you don’t really understand that. It’s okay.” Naruto’s face was like smooth marble in its seriousness. Sasuke looked up through his tears, just barely able to make out the whisker markings on Naruto’s cheeks through the blurriness.

        “I found him…” Sasuke finally allowed himself to break down, and to his surprise, Naruto closed the distance between them and held him. Sasuke’s concept of time skewed in Naruto's embrace. He had no idea why he felt so compelled to share such intimate details with a near stranger. Not even Suigetsu knew this much about Itachi. The only person who knew this much...wasn’t speaking to him. Finally, Naruto released him and pulled away, waiting for their eyes to meet again.

        “I’m so sorry that you had to go through that, Sasuke.” Naruto’s voice ached with authenticity, and Sasuke felt his heart heal just the smallest bit at his words.

        “I just miss him more than I can admit…”

        “I know how you feel,” Naruto’s eyes clouded over. “So badly, it hurts…”

        “There’s so much more I wish I could say...If I could get to know you better...please be patient with me.” Sasuke ran his hands through his damp hair, shivering. He reached for the blanket on the lounge chair and threw it over himself to cover his bare chest.

        “I feel the same way…” Naruto let his eyes flutter closed. Sasuke watched him breathe, marveling at his friends beauty. Naruto’s openness and acceptance of his heart only made Sasuke fall for him even harder. He had never felt so conflicted. The guilt of being attracted to someone else, when he knew he was in love with Hinata, was making his head hurt more than the alcohol. In his mess of feelings, he leaned forward, pressing his lips to Naruto’s. Naruto’s eyes fluttered open and he gently pushed him off.

        “God dammit. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.” Sasuke’s face turned bright red in frustration.

        “No, it’s ok. I just don’t want you doing anything you regret, Y’know? You’re drunk right now. But as long as we’re being honest, I’ve wanted to kiss you since the first time I sat next to you in class, Sasuke. So please don’t think I’m saying no. ‘Cause I’m not. I just want to kiss you when you’re sober.” Sasuke’s head began spinning at the poignant honesty of his words. And he thought Hinata wore her heart on her sleeve! Naruto was by far the most open person he had ever met.

        Naruto said goodbye shortly after that, telling Sasuke he was glad he came by. Sasuke wasn’t sure where they stood as he shut the door behind him, and he was still uncomfortable coming to terms with the vulnerability he had displayed.

 

_Itachi,_

_I feel impossibly close to him, as if our very hearts are connected. I’ve dumped everything on him and he’s stayed! We’ve only known each other for a few days and yet he’s accepted my past! Had we been separated before meeting and don’t remember? I feel as though I’ve been waiting for him forever. He’s confusing my feelings so badly. I feel like I’m cheating on someone that isn’t even mine. But whether it’s Hinata, or Naruto, or someone entirely different, I’m just glad there’s people thinking about you still._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share XOXO


	5. Itachi's Replacement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,  
> I'm really sorry for taking so long between updates again. I've had insane issues with this chapter. I've written and rewritten it several times. It's been emotionally draining for me to write these happier chapters, knowing full well what I have in store for these characters.  
> As always, thanks for sticking around and rooting for Sasuke!

 

_Dear Itachi,_

_Why am I so attached to people who break their promises? I think I’m starting to become one of them…_

 

        There was a certain level of vulnerability involved in watching someone sleep. Sasuke missed Hinata’s presence in between his sheets. He had gotten used to her body temperature without realizing. His thoughts dwelled on his best friend’s petite frame laying beside him as he inhaled the faint scent of her designer perfume lingering on his spare pillow.

        It wasn’t supposed to be like this, and Sasuke couldn’t give up his hatred for the way his life had played out in his 21 years. He was supposed to be getting the “college experience”. Fucking randoms at parties on the weekends, acing his classes, making the 2 hour drive home home for sunday dinners with Itachi and his parents. Instead, he was desperately trying to rewire his brain to forget the pain associated with the one person that had meant something to him; getting wine drunk and spilling his guts to a classmate that barely knew him.

        Sasuke tried not to think about the embarrassment he had subjected himself to last night. He was torn between sitting down in the shower for 4 hours or driving his car into the lake on the other side of town. Both options seemed appealing as he slipped out of his bed and combed his hand through his greasy hair. He blinked through the sleep lingering in his eyes and glanced at himself in the mirror. Sighing, he pinched at the loose skin on his stomach, turning to the side. His frown deepened as he examined himself further, cursing himself for drinking so much and eating so little. His body’s definition had been fully diminished at this point. He pulled at the skin under his eyes, disgusted at his sallow features.

        Sasuke jumped as his phone began ringing, and his heart leapt into his throat as he read the caller ID.

        “Heyo,” Naruto’s cheerful voice sounded on the other line. “How’s that hangover?” Sasuke’s lips twitched up in the familiarity of his friends croaking voice.

        “Shitty. You wanna go to the gym with me tonight?” Sasuke bit his lip in anticipation, pulling at the skin on his stomach again.

        “Yeah sounds good. Practice got cancelled ‘cause coach is out of town for his daughter’s wedding. Do you wanna grab dinner after?” Naruto’s voice shook slightly at the last part, and Sasuke was grateful that he wasn’t the only nervous one between them.

        “Yeah, sure.” Sasuke berated himself internally for his coy reply, promising himself to get a salad.

        “Okay, dope. I’ll swing by around 5-ish?” Naruto’s tone had lightened again with Sasuke’s agreement.

        “Yeah, sounds good. I’ll see you then.” Sasuke clicked the hangup button, tossing his phone on his bed and grabbing a towel from his linen closet. He slipped into the shower, turning the knob to an almost uncomfortable hot.

        As he let the steaming water run over him, he thought again of the night before. Naruto, a near stranger, had been so honest with him, and had even confessed some sort of feelings based on their limited interactions in class. But Sasuke felt it too. It wasn’t just some typical crush, and his heart was still jumbled as he thought of Hinata and how badly he still wanted her.

        Sasuke had begun the process of letting go of his anger, but his heart was still a pile of shreds in his chest as he remembered Hinata’s confession. How could she say that he only loved her as Itachi’s replacement? How could she think that his love for her was so shallow and wavering? But then he thought of Naruto again, and he couldn’t help but question his own feelings. Did Hinata have a point? Had she really just been a place-holder for Itachi?

        As he worked his shampoo into a lather, he dismissed his uneasy thoughts. After having so much time to think in the loneliness of these past weeks, he determined that most of all, he was offended by her views of him, and the situation as a whole. He had no idea that things with Kiba had gotten so bad so quickly, and he deemed his desire to protect Hinata as admirable and a genuine display of his affections. Had he been aware, he would’ve put a stop to things much sooner. But she had begged him to stay out of it, and they were no longer speaking.

        He slid a bar soap over his chest and arms, his headache worsening every time her face flashed in his mind’s eye. It had felt like eternities, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could go before breaking down and calling her. He wanted to put his hands on her so badly, to taste her and feel her beside him. It was so much more than his desire to save her, but it seemed as though he was the only one that understood that.

        Hinata was so much more than a body to fuck or a placeholder for his dead brother; more than just the person that he told nearly everything. She owned every fiber of his being. He was so tired of being away from her. His skin ached to be moving in friction against hers, to hear her breathy voice saying his name, whispering that she loved him again. The circumstances in which she confessed could not have hurt Sasuke more, and she knew it.

        He wanted to pin his confusion on Naruto’s handsome, ruddy complexion, and energetic, caring personality. Maybe it was that Sasuke really enjoyed the attention his classmate was providing; the cloudy, weightless feeling of being wanted. Or maybe he was just lonely without Hinata and he needed a friend that wasn’t emotionally absent like Suigetsu. It wasn’t as simple as he would’ve liked, and the thought of facing him again knowing he had pleasured himself to his memory on more than one occasion made him shift uncomfortably.

        A lifetime of uncertainty was nothing new for Sasuke, and although he was accustomed to crippling insecurity in his mere existence, he couldn’t help but long for more direct answers to everything he was going through. He had grown somewhat accustomed to the pain. He envied those that had these feelings cured. A way to cope; a song or smell that reminded him of memories that he could look back on fondly, instead of wincing and breaking down at the mere mention of his brother’s name.

 

_Itachi's the mirror, and I’m the windowpane. He showed us what we wanted to see by reflecting our expectations of him. He tried to be the perfect older brother. The perfect son that dad wanted. And when he couldn’t be, he absolutely fucking shattered. And now Hinata’s slipping through my fingers as well..._

 

        “Goddammit…” Sasuke shut the water off and wrapped himself in his towel. He ran a hand through his damp hair and moved back into his room, retrieving his phone. He just needed to hear her voice. If he heard her voice he’d be able to say the things he’d been feeling, he was absolutely certain. Finally breaking down, he slipped into some old jeans and a white t-shirt, biting his lip and dialing her number.

        It rang for an agonizingly long time, and just as Sasuke was sure the call would be directed to voicemail, she picked up. He took a deep, shaky breath. The call remained silent except for the soft sounds of their breaths, as if they were waiting for each other to speak. A twinge of regret at his weakness lumped in his throat.

        “I’m just...I’m right outside.” Hinata’s voice was so soft spoken that Sasuke nearly had to ask her to repeat herself. His heart tore at the idea of laying every emotion he had experienced out on the line for her the way she had for him. How could she have known he was thinking of her like this? Had she been thinking of him? And there she was, right outside his door. It was as if their very hearts were sewn together; alike in mind, body, and spirit.

        The call ended, and it felt like hours before Sasuke heard his buzzer ringing. He took another breath, slowly padding over to the front door. Just as his hand had made contact with the handle, it swung open. She said nothing, throwing her arms around his neck, muffled sobs being drowned out as she cried into his chest. She dropped her arms, lifting her hand to wipe at her tears with the back of her hand the same way she always did.

        “Sasuke, I’m-” but he didn’t give her a chance to finish as he crashed his lips against hers. It was creeping up on him again; the feelings of hopelessness and contempt that he’d tried to forget for so long. She kissed him back desperately, her hands forcing any form of contact with him that was possible. She was so damn terrified of ever having to let go of him ever again. They embraced as if they had reunited after several lifetimes; two lovers that had made their way back to each other despite every odd.

        “Goddammit, Hinata. You’re never allowed to do that again,” he panted, breaking the contact of their lips. He pushed her hair to the side gently, wiping away a stray tear with his thumb.

        “Sasuke...I’m so, so sorry for everything.”  
            “Were you afraid you’d lose your identity if you left him? If others left you?”

        “I was...I AM terrified of losing _you_ more, Sasuke. God...I’m so sorry for doing that to you.” She placed her hand over his as he cupped her face.

        “Itachi always told me…” They winced in unison at the mention of his name. “Itachi told me that if you tell people ‘it’s ok’ when they wrong you, then you’re telling them they have permission to hurt you again. He told me that I should tell people that I forgive them instead, so that they know they shouldn’t make the same mistakes over and over.” Hinata twisted her head into his hand, closing her eyes and letting more tears fall onto his palm. “So I forgive you. Just promise me you won’t leave again!” Sasuke’s pleading voice cracked at the end of his words, the force causing Hinata to open her eyes and look into his.

        “I’m never going to make you feel that way again, Sasuke. I love you. I’m not afraid to say it any more. I’ll shout it on every rooftop in the city if you want me to! I love you, Sasuke.” Sasuke felt his heart beginning to mend. Hinata had returned the piece she had stolen and gifted him a small piece of hers as well.

        “I’ve dreamed of those words on your lips for a lifetime…” Hinata reached her hand up to his face, lightly stroking his cheek with the tips of her fingers.

        "Ever the romantic...that’s my Sasuke.” _Her_ Sasuke. He couldn’t think of anything that sounded better.

        “Hinata…” he grabbed the hand that was touching his face. “I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for not telling you how I felt for so long...and then I punished you for it. I hope you can forgive me…”

        “Of course I can, Sasuke. I hope you can forgive me as well.”

 

_You don’t ever have to forgive me._

 

        “No matter what. I’ll always love you. Remember?” She smiled lightly.

 

_And no matter what you do from here on out, know this: I will love you always._

 

        “I promise the same to you…” Sasuke couldn’t help but grin at her words. Nothing else mattered but her.

        “But Sasuke, I don’t think I can be with you. Not yet.” Hinata bit her lip, her eyes averting his gaze.

        “Kiba?” he controlled his tone, waiting for her explanation.

        "I’m so scared he’ll do something if he finds out about us.”

        “Well...I understand...I’m sorry I reacted so poorly before. I know it’s not ideal...but...I’ll wait for you...if you’ll have me.” Sasuke’s stormy gray eyes had clouded over in worry as he held her face in his hands.

        “I can’t ask you to do that..” She held his wrists as he stroked her right cheek with his thumb. He dropped his hands, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer to him.

        “Don’t push me away again. I would do anything for you. I hope you know that.”

        “Sasuke…” She muttered his name again. Sasuke’s ears twitched at the sound of his name escaping her lips.

        “I don’t want you to put yourself in any more danger.” He caught her eyes with his, attempting to convey the seriousness of his words through his gaze.

        "And I don’t want him to do anything to you. I think I’ll be okay, Sasuke. If I have to take a few more hits here and there I’ll do it. I just want to be with you…”

        “I can’t stand to watch him hurt you. I want him dead for laying a hand on you!” Sasuke broke away from her, running a hand through his damp hair angrily. He paced the living room a few times, sinking down onto the couch and laying his head on the arm rest. Hinata watched him, folding her arms over her chest and biting her lip. They watched each other; Sasuke’s chest rising and falling from his breathing. She walked over to him, sinking down into his waiting arms and laying on top of him. Sasuke’s arms felt warm and familiar; an experience she didn’t know she had craved so badly until now.

        “I missed your hands on me…” She mumbled into his neck. Sasuke’s heart felt as though it could burst at any moment. He wasn’t sure if he was awake or not. Could this be some alcohol-fueled fever dream where every wish he ever had came true? The only thing missing was Itachi by his side, so incandescently happy with Shisui that it was disgusting.

        “Sasuke…” Hinata lifted her face from his neck, turning to her left cheek and resting her head on his shoulder. He moved his hands down her back, caressing her as she spoke. “I’m so fucking sorry for comparing myself to Itachi. It was so disrespectful...It’s the shittiest thing I’ve ever said and It’s been bothering me this whole time. I hope you can forgive me.” she moved her free arm to run her fingers through his hair. He tightened his arms around her, breathing deeply.

        “Forgiven. I’m just glad you’re here. When you were gone...It was like I forgot how to breathe. Everything wasn’t real. Having you here, It still doesn’t feel very real to me at all. I’m just so glad you’re safe. I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I was just too goddamn stubborn. I let my feelings get in the way. It’s such a strange feeling laying it all out like this...but at the same time it feels so natural. You’re just, like, I don’t even know…” Sasuke blushed, squeezing her again. He chuckled softly, and her lips turned up into a small smile as she continued to stroke his hair. “I fucking hate caring so much about things. Wait. God that probably sounds bad. I’m so glad I care about you so much. It’s just I hate it, at the same time. I know that doesn’t really make sense.”

        "Why do you hate caring about things?” her face twisted in confusion.

        “It’s just so sappy...and with Itachi and stuff I just feel like a vulnerable mess all the time. It’s so damn tiring. And I cry way more than I like to admit...I dunno. God I’m gonna throw up.”

        “Sasuke...it’s not sappy to be human.” Her simple words had the power to move all of Sasuke’s mountains.

_It’s not sappy to be human._

        Being human was a characteristic Sasuke had been lacking lately. Having to go through such hard things alone had closed him off to the rationality of understanding his own feelings.

        “Hinata, I- just...thank you.” The validation of her words eased his nerves tremendously, and the weightless feeling of her reassurance was priceless. “Maybe our brokenness can fix each other?” It was a daring suggestion, and Hinata’s closed eyes fluttered open at his words.

        "Since when have you become so reckless with your words?” she teased, pressing her lips to his cheek softly.

        “A friend…” his thoughts directed to Naruto, and the image of his sunny smile was burned in his brain. “He inspired me to be more honest about my feelings. I’ve wasted so much time holding back my feelings for you, worrying about if you were ready. You always had boyfriends, and I have my problems...I was just so fucking terrified of scaring you off. Which is why it hurt me so goddamn badly when you said I only loved you as Itachi’s replacement...It was so scary to consider that as a possibility.”

        "Sasuke-” she whispered.

        “But Hinata.” He took a deep breath. “Please know this: You weren’t filling in anyone’s place. You have your own place in my heart. The reason I was lashing out and treating you so horribly was because I was so insecure in my own feelings for you. I was so scared of losing you, and then it happened! You were gone! And, well, you can see how well I’ve been taking it…” He shifted to face her, their bodies pressed together and their breathing matched in a slow rhythm.

        “God...you can’t even fathom how deeply I feel the same way.” she hugged him again, breaking away to turn so that he spooned her. He draped his free arm around her waist and held her. “Look at us...talking about all these hard things and how we feel. I’m kind of proud, honestly. Especially of you, Sasuke.” She sighed contentedly, lacing her fingers with his and squeezing his hand.

        “Aha...I don’t deserve any kind of praise, believe me. Laying everything out just now hurts a billion times worse than my hangover. I’ve been drinking way more than usual. Can you feel how soft I’ve become? I’ve been slacking harder than ever.” He sighed dejectedly, burying his face into her hair.

        “I don’t give a fuck about that stuff, Sasuke. I just want you healthy. I just want you with me.” He tightened his grip on her, smiling into her hair. He still wasn’t fully convinced that he was completely conscious. “I like your soft tummy.”

        “You’re so cute. But I miss my abs. I’m going to the gym tonight. With Naruto, actually.” He smiled lightly.

        “Naruto?” She shifted her position, flipping to face him again.

        “Mhm,” Sasuke mused. “I like him a lot. He’s been a great friend to me.”

        “I’m so glad.” She shifted uncomfortably. “Sasuke...I won’t be angry if you still see other people, since I’m still technically with Kiba. So if you like Naruto, don’t feel bad about it. Just don’t like, become exclusive with him or anything.” She chuckled nervously. Sasuke’s eyes widened at her words. “Anyways, I should get home. I didn’t tell my dad where I was going. He’s probably wondering where I am.” She disconnected from his grasp, pulling his arms up with her. He stood up, mock falling into her petite frame so that she would hold him again. He kissed her chastely, placing his hands on her shoulders.

        “I’ll call you later. I love you…” She held his hand, their fingertips lingering before she broke away and walked to the door. He followed closely behind, opening the door for her.

        “I love you too, Hinata,” he grinned. Being able to say it so freely had released Sasuke’s heart from it’s cage. She smiled, finally dropping her lingering hold on him and shutting the door behind her. Sasuke turned his back against the door and sunk down, dropping his head into his hands. He breathed slowly in an attempt to calm his racing heart.

        Being with Hinata again had released the pressure from his chest, but he couldn’t shake the feelings he had been experiencing these last few weeks. She was there. He had her. She had said she was fine with Sasuke hooking up with other people, but her eyes had seemed a bit less convincing. And yet, he couldn’t forget the whiskers on his classmates cheeks, or his sandy blonde hair and broad shoulders.

 

_Itachi,_

_I’m no expert on matters of the heart, but I’ll tell you this: something is definitely messed up with mine. Did I get a defective one? Or is it normal to have feelings for more than one person at a time? I wish you were around to ask._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share <3


	6. Sakura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for taking so long. I appreciate you all so much. Thank you for 800 reads.

_Dear Itachi,_

_I keep thinking about the irony of the way things played out. Like how you, my favorite person, left me in my least favorite time of the year. I remember that winter, mom and dad didn’t set up the christmas tree. I think it was because it was your favorite holiday. Or maybe they just couldn’t bring themselves to celebrate anything in a world where you don’t exist. Sometimes I catch myself missing them, nearly as much as I miss you. My hatred returns when I remember. I just can’t bring myself to forgive him. And yet...I can’t help but wonder if I even deserve to miss you this badly. I couldn’t save you, and I’m so sorry. I can’t help but think of all the things you’re missing, like my graduation. I still haven’t decided if I’m going to invite mother and father. I haven’t spoken to them in nearly a year. I just feel so fucking lonely all the time...that’s why I’m so glad Hinata has come back to me. And now I’ve got Naruto. He’s a ray of sunshine in my storm clouds. It sounds kinda cheesy, but I can’t even begin to explain how true it is. I think you would’ve really liked him._

_Your brother,_

_Sasuke_

 

        It was drizzling softly as Sasuke walked out of his apartment. He slung his bag over his shoulder and inhaled deeply, listening to the soft pitter patter of the rain hitting the glass wall of his high rise. His spirits lifted slightly as he received a text from his lover.

 

**From: Hinatitty**

**I miss your taste…**

 

        It was cheesy and lovey dovey in a way that Sasuke was not accustomed to, but he felt his skin tingle as he imagined her whispering her words on his skin. In his daze, he didn’t notice the familiar head of pink hair pushing through the open doors of the lift.

        “Oh my god, Sasuke?” A soft voice called to him. “Is that you?” He snapped out of his trance and looked up at the voice’s owner.

        “Oh my god!” Sasuke laughed in disbelief. “Sakura? What are you doing here?” He smiled lightly, falling into her open arms. He was grateful that they were the only ones on the elevator at the moment. He pulled away, a genuine smile playing at his lips as she spoke.

        “Visiting a friend! I didn’t know you lived here! God it’s been what, two years?” She spoke animatedly with her hands, just like Sasuke remembered her. She was almost completely the same, except her hair, which once flowed down her back. It was now chopped into a flattering bob that reached just below her chin. The elevator lowered several floors before stopping again, and an elderly couple entered, pushing past them to stand in the back right corner. They nodded in greeting and got off on the next floor.

        "Yeah, I moved here a few months ago.” Sasuke’s grin never left his face as he chit chatted with his old girlfriend.

        “How are you? I’m sorry for not keeping in touch! I’ve been crazy busy studying for my MCAT’s. And then I did a study abroad in Europe for a year. I’ve been fast tracking my bachelors so that I can get a head start on Med school.” Sakura tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

        “Flexing again, I see. Some things never change.” He sighed exaggeratedly, and she punched him in the arm the way she used to in high school. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Sasuke rubbed his arm. “No, seriously Sakura. That’s so great. I always knew you’d do great things. I’m really happy for you.” Sasuke nodded politely, returning her shy smile. “But yeah, I’ve been okay. Just trying to finish up school and all that."

        “I see! I’d been meaning to contact you anyways! I actually just got back from my year abroad.” She brought her hand to her mouth in an old nervous habit, nibbling the bend of her thumb as she watched him.

        “Oh man I’m jealous! We should definitely hook up one weekend. You’ll have to tell me all about that.” Sasuke ran a hand through his hair, peering into her bright green eyes. “Let’s do lunch on campus next week. I’m about to quit my job at the university store so I should have some more free time pretty soon.” He rubbed his chin, running his hand through his hair again. The elevator opened again to reveal the lobby, and the old friends exited together.

        “Yeah that’d be great! So are you still writing? Anything published yet?” She smiled lightly, shifting her weight to her left side and crossing her arms over her chest. Sasuke chuckled softly.

        “God, you remember everything, don’t you? Yep, still writing. Nothing solid yet. I’ll hopefully have something finished next semester.”

        “As long as I get to read it!” She made him promise she’d be one of the first to read his completed manuscript. “So where are you headed? Got a new girlfriend? Sleeping over?” Sakura waggled her eyebrows, following Sasuke as he walked to the mailbox wall. "You're still naughty as ever, I see."

        “Very funny. I’m just checking my mail. I haven’t really dated anyone since you dumped me.” He tuned his key in his mailbox, collecting the pile of advertisements and bills that had piled up.

        “Still in love with me?” Sakura teased, nudging his ribs jokingly.

        “Um, duh. You were literally _all_ of my firsts. First girlfriend, first kiss, first…”

        “Shhh I get it.” He watched her cheeks turn the same color as her hair.

        “Sorry, sorry. Don't make me remind you of the time my dad caught us-” She reached out and prodded his side in protest.

        "Sasuke, please!" Sasuke smiled weakly, rubbing his aching side where his old flame had poked a bit too hard.

        “God…” Sakura blushed. “ _All_ your firsts? Sounds like a fuckin’ Shoujo Manga. Still a romantic I see. And a fatalist too. You shouldn’t be so careless with your words. I might fall in love with you again,” She joked, recrossing her arms.

        "I prefer the term ‘panty dropping expert’ but romantic works too, I guess.” He remembered his first conversation with Naruto. They shared a laugh, and Sasuke felt his headache ease slightly.

        “And you're still dorky!” Sakura’s eyes narrowed slightly to accommodate her gigantic smile. "Still wearing nerd shirts I see."

        "Hey,  _Zelda_ is one of my favorite video game franchises." He glanced down at his old t-shirt.

        "D-O-R-K," she spelled, her unwavering smile only widening at his mock protest.

        “Hopefully not _too_ dorky. I  _am_ sort of seeing someone right now…” His thoughts immediately turned to his best friends raven hair and button nose. “But what about you? Are you dating anyone, Sakura?” He shifted his weight to his right side, holding his mail in his left hand. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and gazed at their feet absent-mindedly. 

        “Ah, no. I’ve been way to busy with school to even think about that." She glanced up to meet his interested gaze.  "Anyways, we should catch up sometime. You look like you haven’t been eating properly. I’ll cook dinner for you.”

        “God, I miss your cooking. I have no idea how you aren’t married yet, Saku.” Sasuke ran a hand through his hair, his mouth watering at the memory of her Nikujaga.

        “What, your new girl doesn’t cook for you?” She lightly teased him, reaching out her arm and squeezing his shoulder.

        “We’re not official or anything. It’s not really at that point.” Sakura nodded knowingly at his words, dropping her arm back to her side.

        “Meat and potato stew is still your favorite?” She smiled. “With extra tomatoes?” She giggled at his enthusiastic nod. “Is your number still the same?” She pulled out her phone, sliding it open and pulling up her contacts.

        “No, I changed it a few months back. Here,” Sasuke reached for her phone, erasing his old contact and inputting his new number.

        “I’d love to meet your new GF, though. Got any single guy friends? Maybe we could double or something. There’s this new thai place on second street that I’d love to try.” His thoughts instantly shifted to Naruto. He pondered this for a moment, admitting to himself that his old lover and new friend would be a smart match.

        “No one comes to mind, no.” He felt his stomach knot up at his selfish words.

        Who was he to string Naruto along like this when he knew he wanted Hinata? And yet he couldn’t admit to himself that he wanted Naruto as well. It was the ultimate hypocrisy, and Sasuke was doing the very thing he had accused Hinata of in their huge argument; keeping his backup incase something went wrong. But somehow it felt deeper than that. His connection with Naruto couldn’t be cheapened to the simplicity of understanding each other through shared pain. Their genuine attraction had thrown him through several loops as he tried to navigate the tangled mess of feelings he had been carrying with him for weeks.

        “Hmm, well it’s not really my focus right now anyways,” she huffed, re-adjusting her bag on her opposite shoulder. “I better get going. The last train should be leaving soon.” Sasuke handed her phone back, running his free hand through his hair. “It was awesome seeing you. I’m glad we’ll be hanging out more.” Sasuke nodded softly.

        “Here, I’ll walk you to the station.” He pushed past her to open the lobby doors.

        “Oh, you don’t have to-”

        “It’s no problem,” he insisted, shoving his mail in the front pocket of his satchel. He held the door open for her.

        The light rain had cleared, and the inky black sky almost glowed from the countless streetlights that seemed to stretch for miles. They continued the easiness of their conversation, and Sasuke gave her the reader's digest version of why he hadn’t been home all year. Sakura had dumped him long before he had learned the full extent of Itachi’s death, and she never had to deal with the severity of his depression and anxiety over the whole ordeal. Their juvenile courtship consisted of Sakura being his shoulder to cry on occasionally if he saw something that reminded him of his late brother, and as they walked, Sasuke couldn’t help but long for the days he has stupidly thought were so difficult. If only things were as simple as they were back then.

        “It’s pretty chilly for so early in the fall,” she remarked. They walked in a comfortable silence; old friends reminiscing in the past as they walked past the late night convenience stores.

        “Mhm.” Sasuke breathed deeply, watching the heat of his breath vaporize in the frigid temperatures.

        “But, how are you, Sasuke? How are you really?” She peered up at him, evening her pace to match his as the started up the hill to the station.

        “I’ve been managing...It’s always hard this time of year…” Sakura nodded knowingly.

        “I hope this doesn’t offend you in any way, but hearing you talking about your brother so sadly, well...it makes me desperately wish I could've known him...experiencing your fondness...I’m really sorry I didn’t reach out to you last year. It was so selfish of me.”

        “Oh god, Sakura, you’re still as sweet as ever.” Sasuke let out a humorless laugh. “You’ve been an absolute peach to me when you didn’t need to be. Even after we broke up. I’m always grateful. I’m not offended at all.” He tilted his head back, his eyes fixating on the small sliver of moon that hung low in the sky. “I always appreciate it when people still think of my brother.”

        “I remember in elementary school when our teacher asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, and you said a cardiologist because you wanted to fix your brothers heart condition. I forget what the teacher's name was...Mr. Umino, maybe? Anyways, he was so stunned. The whole class was. The look of determination in your eyes always resonated with me.” She reached out for his hand as they walked, giving it a light squeeze like she used to, before dropping it. Sasuke involuntarily blushed, shaking his head at his girlish response to his ex’s tenderness. “I remember it so clearly. When you talked about Itachi’s passions and his drive, and how he didn’t let his heart hold him back, it inspired me so much. The look in your eyes...your tone of voice. I wanted people to talk about me like that! I want to make a difference in this world! Even if it’s only in one person’s life. I want to have the impact that Itachi did!”

        “Sakura…” Sasuke’s heart swelled slightly at her words. His eyes prickled with emotion as he recalled telling his former girlfriend bits and pieces about his beloved brother’s heart condition. “Is that really why?”

        “I wish I could thank him, though. He’s inspired me to be the best fucking cardiologist the world has ever seen.” She lowered her eyes in determination, clenching her fist confidently to her side.

        Sasuke wiped away at his teary eyes, fiercely trying to hold back his emotions as his heart swelled with pride for his late brother.

        “Sakura...thank you.” She nodded, her smile broadened as she reached out for his hand again. She held it as they walked, giving it a small squeeze again before dropping it. They returned to a comfortable silence. Sasuke’s mind floated in several different directions. Being with Sakura again has brought back so many memories. He couldn’t remember the last time he was so happy to reminisce about Itachi. His former girlfriend had that effect on people. He couldn’t help but smile to himself as they walked together. He remembered how whole Sakura used to make him feel. Like things without Itachi would be okay, because the happy memories were still there. Granted, he was much more enlightened on the circumstances of his brothers passing, but it felt good to escape that knowledge and set himself in an earlier timeframe.

        “Isn’t it funny? Meeting like this? I almost wish I had reached out sooner, but this seems like destiny, or something.” He almost agreed, but then he remembered that godforsaken day. His last day in his childhood home where he read that goddamn journal for the first time.

        “I never took you for fatalist,” Sasuke forced a soft laugh to hide his contempt, turning his head to look at her as they walked. They passed a closed toy store that had giant stuffed pandas hanging in the display window, and Sasuke couldn’t help but giggle.

        “Remember our first date?” He gasped in between labored breaths. Sakura snorted loudly the way she always used to when her old boyfriend would make a stupid joke.

        “When you tried to pay off the vendor to get me the big panda bear because you were shit at throwing darts?” They laughed in unison again, and Sasuke’s heart lifted up in his chest a bit more. “I said it was all down to the mathematics of it.”

        “So you see my point.”

        “It’s a somewhat new development. It’s funny...my best friend is quite the opposite.” She shook her head slightly, smiling to herself. “He believes in shaping one's own destiny through one's own actions.”

        “Is that who you were visiting?” Sasuke mumbled, his breath rapidly increasing as they trudged up the hill. He internally cursed himself further for letting himself get so out of shape.

        “No, he lives on the other side of town. You might know him actually! He’s an english major as well. Naruto Uzumaki?” Sasuke inhaled sharply, choking on his spit in surprise. “God Sasuke, are you alright?” They paused their walk, Sakura whacking Sasuke’s back and Sasuke clutching his throat as he gasped for air. What kind of small fucking world?

        “Um, yeah. He’s a friend of mine. We have advanced Lit together.” They resumed their walk, Sasuke coughing every once and awhile to get rid of the new tickle in his throat.

        “Oh no way! We totally should hang out all together sometime. My schedule should start to free up in the next few weeks once midterms are done. You can bring that girl you mentioned.” Sakura teased again, but Sasuke’s eyes were glued to the dark sidewalk. Why had Naruto not mentioned Sasuke to his supposed best friend?

        “Yeah, maybe. I think they’re friends, actually. She’s an english major as well.” Sasuke’s brain fried at the idea of having his ex girlfriend, his current (?) girlfriend, and the guy he was undeniably crushing on in the same room. They continued to walk as Sakura discussed the importance of her upcoming tests, but Sasuke had only leant her half an ear at this point.

        He knew that it wasn’t any sort of genuine feelings on his part, but he couldn’t help but notice how much Sakura had blossomed in their years apart. She had grown into her womanly frame, and her tastefully styled hair and outfit was a far cry from her messy high school persona. It made Sasuke feel somewhat intimidated to be interacting with such a beautiful, successful woman, while he was barely keeping his shit together. He had no idea of the extent of Sakura’s full intentions; a former flame catching up for old times sake, or a more intimate relationship in which Sasuke spilled his guts yet again. It didn’t matter whether that was platonic or romantic, because the idea of filling her in on the full extent of how things have changed made him sick to his stomach. He was still in a bit of shock knowing that someone other than Hinata knew more than just the shorthand version of the inner workings of his brain, and it wasn’t even his childhood friend Sakura! It was Naruto, a boy he had an unhealthy crush on that was only a couple of steps above a classmate at this point. As he looked at Sakura’s earnest smile as they reached the entrance of the train station, he couldn’t help but wonder if his former lover would stick around for the depressed, demoralized mess that he had become, or if she would simply give up like countless others before her.

        He resolved to give her the benefit of the doubt. She had obviously matured a great deal during their time apart, and he decided on assessing the risk value of opening up to her on separate occasions, should their plans to meet again ever come to fruition. Sakura was still under the impression that Sasuke was an innocent victim, blindsided by the suicide of a beloved older brother, leaving behind no explanation other than an obscure note of apology. But things were different now, and Sasuke’s extensive knowledge on the inner workings of Itachi’s brain had been taking their toll on him.

        “It was really great to see you, Sask.” She leaned in again for a hug, and Sasuke reciprocated politely with one arm. “I’ll give you a call soon.”

        “I look forward to it. Text me when you get home safe,” he smiled and waved as she made her way down the stairs into the station.

        Her absence invited the feelings of perpetual loneliness back into Sasuke’s heart, and he adjusted his bag to his other shoulder as he turned around to make his way back to his apartment building. Sakura had no idea how different he had become in the last couple of years. He knew it was partly his fault for letting their contact slip. It started off slowly; forgetting to return calls, leaving texts on read for lack of energy to respond. Until it ceased altogether.

        He walked back down the street in a daze, one of the streetlights up ahead flickering enough to give him a headache as he trudged. He considered calling Hinata. He was still confused about her intentions when she had mentioned so hastily that she wouldn’t mind if he continued to hook up with other people. He supposed it stemmed from her guilt in staying with Kiba, but he understood that it was for their collective safety.

        As he locked his apartment door behind him, his brain fog evaporated as he remembered the mail he had collected earlier. He walked over to the table, dropping his bag and inspecting the envelopes lazily. They were mostly bills, which was expected. It wasn’t until he reached the end of the pile that Sasuke’s tired eyes adjusted and fixated on the maroon envelope that had been personally addressed to him. Seeing no return label, he slid his thumb under the flap and ripped open the top of the mysterious letter. What he read in the next few lines made his throat close like an allergic reaction. It was two names he recognized very well, organized artfully on parchment paper; the two most important people to his beloved older brother. Izumi, his childhood best friend, and Shisui, his boyfriend. He continued to read down the paper, his eyes shutting and his head splitting as he realized what he was holding. _It was a wedding invitation._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Share XOXO


	7. The Invitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves,  
> I am so sorry for not updating more frequently. I've been in a bit of a slump lately and writing chapters ahead, which has been so emotionally draining! As always, thank you very much for reading and I hope you continue to root for Sasuke!

        His emotions came in waves like the five stages of grief. How could they? Why should they get to be happy when anger and contempt and sadness was all he knew? Sasuke’s vision became spotty as he stared down at the invitation. It was a pinteresty, typical design, as if they had purchased a template from an Etsy store. His free hand balled into a fist. Here he was, reading the invitation to the wedding of his brothers’ boyfriend, but he wasn’t about to receive another brother. _Shisui actually had the audacity to send a fucking wedding invitation to his dead boyfriend’s little brother._ The sheer absurdity of the situation made Sasuke’s lips quiver. Absolute, soul crushing loneliness began to creep up on him again as he ran a hand through his hair, a splitting headache forming at the base of his neck.

        He began rubbing the back of his neck as he walked to his bathroom. He swung open the mirror above the sink and reached for his tylenol, gulping 3 pills and some sink water to wash it down. He let his mind wander again and felt like throwing up. He had absolutely no mental or physical strength to process the idea of his dead brother’s boyfriend getting married to someone else, and he resolved to clear his mind of everything until the morning. His anger faded into disappointment as he thought of Shisui again. Why should he even expect any better of him? He hadn’t even attended Itachi’s funeral despite a private invitation.

        He padded over to his fridge, scanning the shelves for anything that seemed appealing. Despite the ache of his stomach, he couldn’t bring himself to eat. He let his eyes glaze over as his mind hyper fixated on his distress.

        Marriage. He remembered how Itachi used to talk about it. A starry look in his eye and a cheek dropping into his hand. _“Marriage is about becoming better with another person. I love the idea of two whole, complete people coming together to better themselves and each other.”_ His late brother’s words burned in his throat. He felt his pocket vibrate and snapped out of his trance, reaching for his phone.

 

**From: Unknown**

**Hey, this is Sakura.**

 

        He smiled lightly at his screen, rubbing the growing pressure in his forehead. He reached for bottle of water from the fridge and twisted it open.

 

**To: Unknown**

**Hey~**

 

        He typed out his reply with his free hand, kicking the fridge door closed and sipping his drink. He programed her number in his phone as he waited for her reply, trudging to his bedroom and sinking into the bed. He felt his parched throat soothe slightly as he sipped at the water.

 

**From: Sakura**

**Doing anything this weekend?**

 

        Sasuke wasn’t sure how he should reply. The idea of seeing anyone other than Hinata or Naruto anytime soon made him ill. He decided to wait to reply until the morning. He twisted the cap back on his bottle and set it on his bedside table. Getting up from the bed, he rubbed the exhaustion from his eyes and flipped the light switch. He felt his eyes grow heavy again in the darkness, and he was somewhat relieved that he was too exhausted to shed any more tears. He stripped down to his socks and underwear and placed his phone next to his water.

        Sleep could not come sooner for him, and he felt himself drift off quickly.

* * *

 

        He woke to the sound of his alarm buzzing against his side table, and he rubbed the exhaustion from his eyes before clicking it off.

 

 **From: NART** **  
** **Hey hey~ gym 2nite? Im done w practice @ 8**

 

**From: Hinatitty**

**I would love to see you tonight**

 

        Sasuke read his missed messages several times. He felt guilty in realizing that he had even considered Naruto’s offer when he hadn’t seen Hinata in days.

        “Fuck...I should reply to Sakura…” he whispered to himself.

 

**To: Sakura**

**Hey sry I fell asleep. Do u wanna get 2gether w naruto and do something?**

 

        Sasuke considered his options again once more before deciding on Hinata.

 

**To: Hinatitty**

**Let’s grab dinner and a movie :) just the 2 of us**

 

**From: Hinatitty**

**Sounds perfect <3**

 

        He scrolled down to Naruto’s contact and pressed the dial button.

        “Ohayou Sasuke-kun!” Naruto answered cheerfully.

        “Oh my god, please never do that again.” He heard Naruto’s infectious laugh on the other end and couldn’t help but chuckle quietly.

        “LOL, I just got out of class. What’s up bud?” Sasuke heard the bustle of campus in the background of the call. 

        "Stop fucking saying text speech out loud."

        “HAHA! Oh my god Sask, it's so windy. Do you hear that?" Naruto quieted so Sasuke could hear the wind whistling in the call.

        "Ugh. I hope that chills out by this evening. Lit is my only class today."

        “Lucky! I just got out of math. Why did I put off my gen eds for so long?” Naruto wailed dramatically.

        “Calm down, drama queen. Anyways, I’m busy tonight, but I was wondering if you’d like to get together with me and Sakura this weekend, or something else yet to be determined.”

        “Woah wait! You know Sakura? Sakura Haruno?” Naruto’s voice rose sharply.

        “Haha, yes, longer than you! I ran into her yesterday. She mentioned you and I was so shocked. And you know my best friend Hinata, right?" Sasuke ran a hand through his hair, sitting up in his bed and sipping his water from last night.

        "No way? Sakura's been my best friend for ages. How do you know her?"

        "She was my girlfriend in highschool," Sasuke said nonchalantly.

        “God! What a small world. You’ll have to give me more information on that later, man. I can’t believe Hinata is your best friend! I haven’t seen her in ages. She should come hang this weekend, too!”

        “She’ll be busy, but I’m sure she’d love to catch up with you,” Sasuke gulped, the feeling of dread creeping up on him again. He remembered what Hinata told him about her night with Naruto at that goddamn church youth retreat and couldn’t help but imagine joining in.

        “Yeah, sounds dope. Anyways i’m free all weekend so just keep me updated. Anyways, I gotta get to my next class. I’ll see you tonight.” Sasuke snapped out of his thoughts to reply. 

        “Okay, talk to you later.” Sasuke ended the call.

 

**From: Sakura**

**Sounds great!**

 

**To: Sakura**

**Kk! Naruto is down. Ill keep yall updated.**

 

**From: Sakura**

**:)**

 

        Sasuke felt his stomach twist up at his hunger, and he slipped out of bed and padded to his kitchen. He felt his heart leap into his throat at the thought of seeing Hinata again. He wanted her so badly he couldn’t stand it. He wanted to taste her more than words could describe. He shook his head to clear his thoughts, but his brain only muddled them further as he imagined her in his bed. His light mood dropped at the sight of the cursed invitation he received the day before, lying on the island in his kitchen.

        He looked at the invitation, picking it up. His hardened eyes zeroed in on the RSVP line. And then he was dialing, his closed throat saying no but his pounding heart prompting him to continue.

        “Hello?” Sasuke’s eyes began to sting with tears as he heard her gentle voice on the line. “Hello?” the voice prompted again. Sasuke set the invitation down on the counter and closed his eyes, instantly regretting his call.

        “Um, can I talk to Shisui?” He bit his lip in an attempt to stave off the tears that were threatening to spill over as he opened his eyes. He had to do this, if not for Itachi, for his own peace of mind.

        “May I ask who’s calling?” Her politeness was just as he remembered from all those years ago.

        “Yeah, um...It’s…” He debated telling the truth. He walked over to his couch and sunk down slowly, inhaling in one fluid motion before making his confession. “It’s...Sasuke.”

        “Oh! Hello Sasuke! It’s been forever! How are you? Did you get the invitation? Shisui said he asked your parents for your new address because they told him you’d moved again! How is school going? You should be finishing up here pretty soon, right?” Sasuke’s fragile heart couldn’t keep up with her slew of questions, and he felt his anger and confidence fading as she continued to speak. Why had he even bothered calling? What did he think he was going to gain from it? Some sort of hopeless resolution? An apology from his brother’s former flames for moving on?

        “Yeah, I’m good. Congratulations. I’d really like to talk to Shisui if he’s available.” Sasuke gripped his phone tighter, his palm aching from the tension.

        “Oh, of course! Hey babe, you’ll never guess who’s on the phone for you!” Her voice grew distant as Sasuke waited. He brought the phone to his lap, clicking on speaker and running a hand through his hair.

        “...Hello?” Shisui’s voice was uneasy in anticipation.

        “Hi…” Sasuke’s voice betrayed him as his emotions manifested in his voice. Unable to control them, his tears began to flow freely, dropping down on his lap and his phone.

        “H-how are you?”

        “I’m fine...and how are you?” Sasuke’s head began to build pressure at the stress of being unable to control the emotion slipping through his voice. He shook his head angrily, his loose tears scattering.

        “Hey, um, are you okay? Are you...crying?” Shisui’s voice dropped lower in concern.

        “Yeah,” Sasuke forced his voice under control. “I’m not crying,” Sasuke’s tears continued to drip down his face steadily. “I’m alright.”

        “Good...so did you call to RSVP? I’m assuming you got the invitation.” Shisui’s voice lightened a bit as he spoke, his unsure tone masked by his pseudo cheeriness.

        “Mhm. I was wondering if it included a plus one?” Sasuke shook his head, his eyes forced closed to stop his rapidly increasing flow of tears.

        “Yeah, of course. Did you want to bring someone? I’m sure that should be fine. It’s going to be rather small. Just a few friends and family.”

        “Thanks...and…are my parents going?” He opened his eyes, clicking off speaker and lifting the phone to his cheek again. He bit his lip in anticipation, holding his breath until his head felt as if it would explode. He wasn’t sure if he could stand to be at the wedding in general, let alone see his parents. He mentally kicked himself for asking such a stupid question. Shisui didn’t need to know any of his embarrassing family business.

        “They said they’re going out of town, but I can’t help but feel like they are too uncomfortable to come, given the situation…” Shisui’s voice fell slightly, and Sasuke desperately wondered if he was referring to Shisui skipping Itachi’s funeral, or the fact that he was marrying his brother’s ex-girlfriend.

        “I see. Well, I was wondering if I could meet up with you sometime to talk about a couple of things.” He paused. “And, to um, catch up a bit.” He had decided that there were way too many things left unsaid that needed clarification. He needed the answers that Shisui could provide.

        “Um, yeah. Would you like to come over next sunday for dinner? Our church ends at 3 so any time after that works for us.”

        “Um, yeah. That’d be great, thanks.” Sasuke’s heart rate slowed at Shisui’s calmness. He walked over to the loveseat in the living room and sunk down into the cushions.

        “Alright, I’ll send you the address.” His tone remained steady. “Actually, did you want to come to church with us? We usually only go for about an hour or so.”

        “Um…” Sasuke rolled his eyes into the back of his head, his mind unable to focus and formulate an answer.

        “You don’t have to-”

        “Yeah, I’ll come. Um… So should I meet you there?” Church. Sasuke hadn’t attended in years. He couldn’t gather a reason to. Naruto would be disappointed to find out that Sasuke had gone with someone else after weeks of begging Sasuke to attend his.

        “Yeah, I think so. Then I’ll send you the church address and you can just follow us to the house.”

        “Alright. Thanks, I guess I’ll talk to you soon…”

        “I guess you will.” Sasuke brought the phone down from his ear to hang up. “Oh, and Sasuke?” he heard faintly. He lifted the phone back up to his ear. “It’s nice to hear your voice.” The disconnect tone sounded, and Sasuke fell back into the couch, his body’s exhaustion overwhelming him.

        He dropped his head down on the armrest and stretched his legs to the other end of the couch. Looking up at the cheap popcorn ceiling of his apartment, he lifted his index and middle finger to his forehead and poked it the way Itachi used to when he was little. He let his hand drop down on his stomach, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks as he slipped his free hand under the band of his sweatpants. He couldn’t focus enough on Hinata to continue, his mind continuously drifting to Shisui and his wedding. He gave up, removing his hand and feeling the claminess of his forehead.

        “All of this drama, and it’s not even noon,” he sighed to himself, getting up from the couch and walking back to the kitchen. He retrieved another water bottle, his bare skin shivering against the chill of his AC. He returned to his room and slipped into a pair of joggers and a cotton t-shirt. Running a hand through his hair, he padded over to the mirror above his vanity. He pinched at the purple bags under his eyes, peering at his dull and sallow skin. Attending class was the last thing he wanted to do, and he considered skipping. However, he remembered that he had told Naruto he would see him there, and the idea of missing out on time with the blonde was inconceivable.

        Sasuke began to run a comb through his hair, letting his thoughts wander until they settled on his gym buddy. Was Sasuke getting too attached to the boy? They knew next to nothing about each other, and Naruto hadn’t expressed any interest outside of friendship since that first night that he came over. The boy’s motives had left Sasuke more confused than ever. He had been walking around with enormous levels of guilt at the idea of wanting Naruto as more than a friend. He had finally won Hinata, but for some reason the idea of seeing her again made his stomach twist and his head split.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share :)


	8. Homesick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you so much for all the comments. I really love reading everyones thoughts. I really appreciate the time you all put into reading my story and leaving such long, thoughtful feedback and opinions. I love reading everyone's predictions. They bring me so much joy! Your dedication means the world to me!
> 
> This chapter was so emotional for me to write. I'm drained! These last few chapters have been so hard for me. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy and leave comments. 
> 
> Thank you for reading~

_Itachi,_

_I’m going to see Shisui. I thought you should be the first person to know. I just want to scream at him forever. I know that wouldn’t do anything. I hadn’t realized how much it hurt me when he didn’t come to your funeral. I’m sure he’s got his reasons, but I can’t help but hate him. Maybe I’m just the worst person in the whole fucking world. I feel like I’ve lost the right to love you the way I do. Maybe I’ve lost the right to love in general. I’ve been having these horribly intrusive doubts about Hinata. I’ve been so unfair to her. Her boyfriend is coming back soon, and I don’t know what the future holds in that aspect. I also ran into Sakura this week. It brought a lifetime of ancient feelings to the surface. I still can’t find the strength to tell her the truth about everything. She told me you inspired her to be a doctor, so I feel like I owe her at least that much. I feel like such a liar. I miss mom and dad more than ever. I want to hate them so badly. To blame them for everything the way I have this whole time. I’m having a hard time keeping that promise to myself. I wish you were here to poke my forehead and say “maybe next time,” when I ask you to play basketball with me. You used to disappoint me so bad! I remember how much my forehead would sting when you prodded me. Now I miss it._

_Best,_

_Sasuke_

 

        September was coming to a close, and the weather had begun shifting to a more consistent chill in the afternoons. His greatest heartbreaks always seemed to happen in the month of September, which contradicted its reputation as the month of new beginnings. It was a new school year, a changing season, a passing birthday. And yet, he never felt more out of place.

               The drive to Sasuke’s hometown was one of his favorites. Giant orange trees seemed to stretch on for miles, the sun reflecting off the leaves to resemble fire. The air was heavy and wet, and Sasuke knew that it would be raining soon. He tried to distract himself, singing along to the quiet playlist he put on. He really didn’t feel like crying, and the weather was only worsening his mood. He began to rethink his spur of the moment decision. His futile attempts were ruined by his inability to think about anything except Hinata. When he thought of her, his body filled with her. He wanted to feel her skin moving against his. He wanted to hear her say his name again, because it didn’t sound right coming from anyone else. Anything to fill this loneliness...

        His guilt seemed to intensify the more he thought about her. Whenever he wanted to think about her skin, he couldn’t help but think of Naruto’s marred cheeks. When he thought of her eyes, vacant and distant, he thought of the familiarity of Naruto’s baby blues.

        The only way to get over whatever these feelings for Naruto were would be to limit their interaction, and yet the idea of not having him around as at least a friend made Sasuke’s hands shake. He shook his head violently to snap himself out of his daze. He made a sharp turn as he followed the secluded path, passing his first other car of the day. He enjoyed the unfrequented roads that the woods had to offer, but the weather had worsened and the impending storm that Sasuke had sensed earlier began to roll in.

        He focused his eyes on the road ahead and breathed deeply. Everything seemed to go on forever. Naruto. Naruto knew so much about him in so little time...so was he infatuated with the idea of him? Or was it simply the comfort he offered. He reprimanded himself for being so selfish. But then there was Hinata, and he was angry at himself again for even considering anyone else besides her. Everything should’ve been falling into place with her. Maybe if he slept with her, he’d know for sure.

        But that wasn’t the point was it? He didn’t want to use sex as some kind of tool. If he was going to take that step with Hinata, it had to be for the right reasons. She wasn’t just some lame college conquest he could brag about to his friends.

        The whole idea intimidated Sasuke. He hadn’t slept with a woman-or anyone for that matter- in a very long time. He hated to admit it, but nothing had really ever compared to Sakura anyway. Her rosy skin blending into her sheets, giggling as they tried to be quiet so her father wouldn’t catch them. He smiled faintly at the memory, relishing his ignorance.

        Sex with anyone else was mere lust; a perversion in worldly desires rather than the love making he had experienced with Sakura. Everyone after his old girlfriend was just a simple fuck, a distraction or a release from his overwhelming emotional state. Would Hinata make him feel that special way? Would Naruto?

        The idea only furthered his reservations on reconnecting with his cotton candy lover. She had been offering her time to him, and Sasuke was beginning to feel bad for being so rude to her. He couldn’t just brush Sakura off so quickly. His desire to see her was squandered by more pressing matters. He wondered if that was the fall of their relationship; his priorities.

        Nonetheless, he missed the motherly comfort that Sakura often provided. He thought of his own mother, attempting to ignore how desperately he missed her. Although he often looked back on his relationship with Sakura as a time of fondness, he knew that their dynamic wouldn’t have lasted in the long run. There were too many similarities. By the end, Sasuke had deteriorated so badly they had become a patient and a caretaker, and although he was endlessly grateful she had long since forgiven him for the way he treated her, he couldn’t help but carry his guilt with him everywhere he went. Unending guilt was all that Sasuke knew lately.

        Sakura’s love, in all of its earnesty, could only be paralleled by the warmth his family used to bring him. Perhaps it was going back to his hometown for the first time in almost a year, but the sense of overwhelming loneliness was beginning to flood over him as he neared his destination. He wanted to see them desperately, and he fought to hold on to the hurt that had imprisoned him since the day he found that goddamn journal.

        He forced his brain to switch back to his thoughts from earlier. He began contemplating Naruto’s sexual experience. Had he been with anyone recently? Had he been with anyone at all? What about Sakura?

        He _was_ aware of Hinata’s body count far surpassing his, but he was desperate to know of every encounter. He rejected the idea of his interest coming from anything other than curiosity, and yet in the duration of their friendship he hadn’t gotten much information out of her. He surprised himself in his self exploration, unable to find a hint of jealousy as she spoke of any former relationship other than Kiba. He thought about her skin blending into his sheets the way Sakura’s did. What would she let him do to her? His mind suddenly flipped to Hinata’s claims of Naruto and Kiba’s fleeting sexual stamina, and he decided to give Naruto the benefit of the doubt. It was high school, afterall. He’d surely acquired a bit more experience. Kiba, however, came as no surprise.

        The exit for his town started to come into view, and he made a slight turn out of the forest to take it. The rain had finally come, gently pattering on his windshield as he passed the old gas station he’d been to countless times. He continued down the familiar road and took a left until he reached his final destination. He pulled into the parking lot of the park he spent so many hours in as a child. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he checked it, his heart flipping at the name that flashed on the screen.

 

**From: NART**

**WYD sas?**

 

        He decided to ignore it, getting out of his car and making his way across the patchy soccer field to sit on the benches. He remembered it was the third from the left. The rain steadily began to pick up as he neared the particular bench he was looking for. The cheap green paint had begun to chip and the exposed areas of the metal had begun to rust. He leaned forward and rubbed the moist dirt off of the plaque in the middle.

 

**IN MEMORY OF ITACHI UCHIHA**

**_“IT IS FOOLISH TO FEAR WHAT WE’VE YET TO SEE AND KNOW.”_ **

 

        He pushed his wet bangs out of his eyes, mentally scolding himself for forgetting a hood or an umbrella. He sat down, feeling the rain soak into his jeans. He needed his parents so badly. He wished they were here with him, his father’s hand on his shoulder and his mother’s holding his.

        “I’m sorry I missed your birthday last year,” Sasuke traced his finger along the plaque as he spoke. “I know I’m cheating a little right now. I feel like I shouldn’t go to your grave without mom and dad.” He was grateful for the solitude of the empty park. “I want to talk about you with Naruto more,” he told his brother. “I feel like he can understand a bit better than Hinata, as bad as that is to say.”

        Sasuke was under the impression that Naruto didn’t think he remembered everything he’d said that first night, and although he was drunk, his friend had remembered every word. Maybe he was just being selfish, stringing Naruto along under the guise of friendship. Maybe it was doing more harm than good being his friend.

        But Sasuke was so desperate for friends. He had such a hard time with maintaining relationships that weren’t low maintenance, and Naruto often provided that low-key support that his friend needed so badly.

        Naruto was fairly good at acting normal around Sasuke, which is why the latter made him so confused. Did he still like Sasuke the way he said he did that first night? Or was he content with the friendship they shared? Sasuke could never tell.

        “Is it wrong of me, Itachi? To go on the way I do, knowing I love Hinata...But I can’t help but feel this way.” He dropped his hand, twiddling his thumbs in his lap and staring out at the empty, wet field. The water was beginning to chill him to the bone, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it.

        “Maybe I don’t love her as much as I think I do. God, I feel like such an asshole saying it out loud. I hardly even know Naruto. But at the same time, I feel like he knows me so well. Suigetsu thinks I just miss the emotional companionship, and I don’t want to admit that he’s right. Like, with seeing Sakura again, all these old memories keep bubbling back up. She still thinks you died from your heart condition. Isn’t that weird? I wish that was my reality still.” He shivered into his words, wrapping his damp arms around his legs as he pulled them into his chest.

        “I’m sorry I didn’t bring you any dango. I should’ve stopped at our special place before I came here, but I just had to see you. I think I’d like to bring Hinata to meet you sometime. Properly, of course. The headstone with mom and Dad. It’s so strange...I always say I hate opening up to people, but at the same time I get this almost sickening rush. Emotional vulnerability is something I don’t really deserve. I feel like everyone is transparent with me, but I can’t extend that same courtesy, and it makes me feel like shit.” He exhaled deeply, shaking his soaking hair and rubbing his running nose.

        Sitting at Itachi’s bench flooded his brain with memories. His father had let him pick out the bench that they would dedicate to his late brother. Sasuke was so proud to raise the funds himself, babysitting for their neighbors every weekend and mowing Sakura’s parents’ lawn until he’d saved enough. He’d picked a bright kelly green, which had since faded and rusted from the frequent rain.

        “I’m still so angry. I’ve got so much anger in my heart, Itachi. It comes and goes. It’s debilitating. I don’t know how to get rid of it.” he let his chin rest on his knees. _Foolish little brother._ He could hear Itachi’s voice as so clearly. “But...I want to.”

        He didn’t want to think about his parents. He didn’t want to think about his mother’s comforting embrace and his father’s stern smile that he only showed for his boys. It was a smile he hadn’t seen in a very long time. He missed the happiness he had taken for granted. A whole year of anger and pain and sadness began to bubble to the surface, and he finally released his frustration.

        “I’m scared. If I forgive them, then who can I blame?” And the truth had finally surfaced.

        His tears were burning and angry, the kind that gave you a headache and a stuffy nose for days after. Being home with Itachi had brought on an overwhelming amount of guilt. How could he leave his parents for so long? How could he be so juvenile as to blame his father for Itachi’s death? He had to make things right no matter the cost. It was too important. It was everything.

        After promising Itachi he’d be back soon, he hurried to his car, heart pounding in his ears. The pain and longing for his parents love burned in his throat as he backed out of his space and made the short drive to his childhood home. His anger still welled in his heart, but the blame had shifted. It was time to swallow his pride. It wasn’t his parent’s faults for not saving his brother. It wasn’t his fault either. Itachi was the only one involved in this decision. Sasuke knew that now. He’d spent so long trying to convince himself otherwise. And yet, being at Itachi’s bench after so long, his mind began to clear.

        Once he turned down his street, the frantic desperation coursing through him began to fade away.

        “No, I have to do this,” he breathed, parking the car along the street in front of his old house. Rationally, Sasuke had always known that this conversation would come, right from the moment he pushed through that door for the final time with his broken hand. He walked up the stone path, his entire body shaking, but not from the cold of the rain. He inhaled deeply, raising his fist slowly to rap his knuckle on the door. He closed his eyes in anticipation, holding his breath and feeling his heart pound in his ears.

        “S-Sasuke?” a familiar voice called to him.

        “Mom,” his voice croaked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share :D


	9. Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So initially, I wanted this story to end at around 150 pages. I'm currently at 90 and I have barely gotten into everything I have planned and wanted to cover! I've decided to shoot for around 200 pages, give or take. After everything is done I'll go back and do more extensive editing so that things flow better. As always, thank you for reading. Comments are super appreciated. I'm also an artist and I've been considering drawing some scenes from the story just for fun. Which scene do you guys think would work best as a fan art? Let me know x  
> This chapter is also a little bit emotionally intense so please use caution when reading! Thank you <3  
> I listened to the album "American Candy" By The Maine while writing this chapter.

        Rush hour had made the drive home much slower as people were returning home from work, and Sasuke wondered if he was still up for going out with Hinata. And then there was Naruto, who’d probably chew him out for skipping class. Sasuke knew him too well to check his phone, which was no doubt spammed with texts from the blonde. He wasn’t really sure if he could put how he was feeling into words. “Strange” wasn’t a strong enough word for how badly his heart was breaking.

        It had been the maid, not his mother, who had answered. He’d waved her off as quickly as he had decided to knock on that door upon hearing that neither of his parents were home. His confidence leaked away, and he asked the housekeeper to not mention that he had stopped by. He needed more time.

        “Fuck…” he muttered, cranking up the heat and flipping the radio channel. His fists were white from clenching the wheel so hard as he shivered into the hot air blasting his face. The rain had only worsened as he took the exit for his college town. He slowed down along with the other cars, his hair continuing to drip down to his soaking shoulders. He desperately needed wine and a long, searing bath that would make the skin he was so uncomfortable in fall off.

        How could he have thought that he could repair his relationship with his parents so easily? According to Itachi, they knew about the assault, which, in Sasuke’s eyes, validated most of his hatred towards them. But there was no possible way that they knew the full extent of things, and Sasuke had just been kidding himself into thinking that he could just blame his father for everything. He really only knew Itachi’s version of things. Likewise, he had absolutely no idea what Itachi had even told his parents. How would you even go about it? Maybe it was all down to miscommunication. Could they really be the reason that Itachi went over the edge?

        It was too easy to blame everything on them. That’s what he always did. It was a hell of a lot easier than confronting the issue head on anyway, and Fugaku’s cold demeanor and tough-love parenting practically made the decision for him. Regardless, Sasuke couldn’t shake the tempestuous guilt he had been carrying for so long, unloading on everyone around him. His choice had only furthered the negative consequences in the long run, and Sasuke had begun to feel the full weight of things as he stepped off the lift of his apartment building onto his floor.

        As he reached his door, he finally let his emotions spill over, quickly jiggling the key out of the lock and shutting his door so that no one would see him.

        “Ugh, God! What the fuck are you doing here? How did you even get in?” He angrily threw his soaked bag onto the floor and slipped off his shoes.

        “S-sorry,” his uninvited guest stuttered, caught off guard. “You weren’t answering your texts, and you missed class. I asked the front desk to let me in…” Naruto’s voice trailed off as he noticed Sasuke’s tears washing down his face. “W-what happened?” he crossed the room and closed the distance between them, pulling Sasuke into a hug. Unable to muster the energy to fight him off, Sasuke surrendered into his friend’s embrace, keeping his arms at his sides as he was squeezed tighter.

        “The security here sucks if they let your raggedy ass in,” Sasuke muttered into his shoulder, pulling away. Naruto chuckled lightly and shivered into Sasuke’s freezing skin. “Just give me a sec to change I guess,” Sasuke muttered, slipping into his room and leaving Naruto at the doorway. He returned in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, sitting on the couch to slip on some socks. Naruto had brought him a water bottle from the fridge and helped himself to some of the old crackers that had been in the cabinets for ages.

        “Thanks. Why are you so persistent?” Sasuke implored, pressing the chilled water against his pounding head. Naruto’s shiny eyes widened as he chomped down on a stale cracker.

        “I think you know me well enough to know by now,” He offered in between crunches. They sat in silence for a bit; the only noise Naruto’s soft crunches and Sasuke’s gentle moans as he rubbed his eyes.  

        “Some days, I just want to be a missing person.”

        “Sasuke,” he set down the crackers on the coffee table. “I haven’t known you _that_ long, but I can’t help but worry about you. Some of the things you say...and do… well I just worry, is all.” The intensity of his gaze made Sasuke look away and sip his water. “Like that. That’s just a little bit concerning, don’t you think?” he chose his words carefully, balancing them on the fine line between concern and humor to lighten the mood.

        “Hinata does the same shit.” Sasuke groaned, rolling his eyes. “I’m fine! You guys worry way too much.” He muttered unconvincingly.

        “So you came home sobbing, soaking wet and screaming because you’re fine.” Naruto said flatly, maintaining his fixation on Sasuke’s face. He set the crackers down on the coffee table and willed Sasuke to look at him again.

        “Maybe because you keep fucking showing up at my house uninvited,” he snorted, dropping the water bottle to his lap.

        “Itachi?” Naruto whispered softly. Sasuke winced at his words, unable to meet his gaze.

        “Sometimes...you have to accept an apology you never even received.” Naruto whispered, running a hand through his hair and willing his friend to just _look_ at him.

        “...what?” Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut, balling his fists.

        “You haven’t forgiven him yet, have you?”

        “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Sasuke lashed out.  Naruto grimaced, well aware of the sensitive area he was venturing in, but absolutely sure of what needed to be said.

        “When my dad died, I blamed everyone. Even myself. I thought, if I had been a better driver, if we didn’t go out for my birthday, I could’ve avoided the whole thing. But I know that’s bullshit.” Sasuke looked up at him, missing his unfocused gaze. “It’s almost funny to me, how we can have the rational idea in the back of our minds, but we don’t wanna believe it even though we know it’s true.” He watched Sasuke direct his gaze to his socks, dropping his head into his hand the way he always did. “But most of all,” he continued, his voice cracking slightly. “I blamed that stupid fucking drunk driver. But, then I found out that he had been drinking because his wife had just lost her battle with cancer. And yeah, that doesn’t excuse what he did, and that doesn’t make it right, and it doesn’t mean my dad should’ve died, but…” his voice trailed off as he tried to find his word. “If you don’t share someone’s pain, you can never understand them.” He sighed heavily, a lone tear slipping from his left eye. “So yeah, that didn’t give him a right to hurt others, but I couldn’t help but share his pain. I had to forgive him for what he had done to me, and my mom and dad. And I can’t help but be angry for everything my dad is gonna miss. He missed my high school graduation. He missed the basketball scouts offering me a full ride to this school. He’s gonna miss my college graduation this spring. He’s gonna miss my wedding. He’s not gonna know his grandchildren. He’s not gonna grow old with mom.” Sasuke’s shoulders tensed further, still refusing to meet his friends gaze. “It’s why I stopped going to church. I used to be pretty religious, actually. That’s where I know Hinata from. I still believe and all, but I stopped going. I couldn’t handle the stares. I couldn’t listen to the empty condolences and the promised prayers. I knew my dad would be forgotten pretty quickly by the congregation anyways. Everyone has their own lives. Everyone just moves on.” He finished in a huff, Sasuke’s rigid frame coming into view through his watery eyes.  Sasuke had never related to anything more. The stares. The whispers. The teachers that had his brother muttering that they had a star student commit suicide.

        “Why are you telling me this?” Sasuke muttered, running a hand through his hair and staring down at Naruto’s thighs.

        “I dunno...I’m just trying to relate to you I guess.” Naruto’s croaky voice dropped to a low mutter.  “I know it’s not the same thing. But... your brother seemed like the most important person to you. You haven’t told me much, but I can just see the way he affects you still. It’s completely valid. Your pain, I mean. I’m just trying to understand you so I can help, I guess. I’m sorry if I made you feel bad. I’ve got a bad habit of trying to relate and I just end up making the whole thing about me, and that’s not what I’m trying to do at all, Sasuke.” He paused, but Sasuke offered no response. “What I’m saying is,” Naruto continued, coughing uncomfortably. “You have to forgive Itachi for the choices he’s made, cause from what I can see, he really loved you, so-”

        “Then why isn’t he here?” Sasuke’s bottom lip quivered as he wiped away the new tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “Why the fuck is he not here? That shit you said about your dad missing out on stuff. Of course I understand! I’m not someone’s brother anymore. It’s fucking suffocating carrying this guilt with me everywhere I go. Did you know I haven’t talked to my parent’s in like a year? Yeah. A year. That’s where I was instead of class. I finally worked up the courage to apologize for being a fucking moron and only adding to their pain with my selfishness.” His voice did not crack, despite the steady flow of tears spilling down his cheeks as he furiously wipes at his eyes. “And then I get there,” he drops to a whisper. “And they aren’t home, and everything I wanted to say just disappeared from my mind and I just can’t fucking do it. I always wanted to blame everyone else but myself, and I let it drive me away from my parents.”

        “It’s no ones fault…” Naruto offered, but Sasuke didn’t hear him.

        “I want them back so bad, Naruto. I haven’t been living since Itachi left. I’ve just been floating through things. I just miss him so fucking badly.” Naruto merely nodded, reaching for Sasuke’s left and and holding it. “I’m mad at him too,” Sasuke sobbed. “I hate it when you’re smarter than me,” he gurgled. Naruto dropped his hand and retrieved some tissues from the bathroom, which Sasuke used up immediately. “Ugh, sorry,” he finished wiping his nose. “This is a lot to unload on a month long friendship,” Sasuke coughed lightly, smiling weakly at his friend.

        “I don’t mind. It’s honestly nice to talk to someone that can share my pain. I know you won’t ask for my advice, so I’m just going to go ahead and give it to you anyways,” Naruto grinned lightly at Sasuke’s red eyes rolling and the smallest smirk twitching at the corners of his lips. “There is nothing you could ever say, or do, that would take away a parent’s love forever.”

        “You don’t know my father.” Sasuke frowned again, blowing his nose into the soggy tissues. “I spend so much time thinking. I want to stop thinking that this is anyone’s fault. I guess it was easy to blame my father because I could convince myself that there was a reason I could understand.”

        “God, Sasuke. I wish...I wish you could see yourself the way I see you now. God...I lose so much time thinking about you. I’ve got an almost... _morbid_ fascination with spilling my guts when I’m with you. Time doesn’t mean shit. You know my heart. I like to think I might know yours. So forgive. Forgive your parents. Forgive Itachi. Forgive yourself. Forgive God!” Naruto spoke animatedly, shutting up immediately at the look of shock on Sasuke’s face. He worried that he might’ve overwhelmed him with his oversharing. But weren’t they too far gone to care at this point? “You can forgive without forgetting.”

        “I really hate when you’re right,” Sasuke let out a small laugh through his tears, brushing his hand through his hair to get it out of his eyes. “I just, I wish Itachi could come home. But I don’t think there even is one to come back to anymore.” His eyes dropped.

        “M-my...my grandpa Jiraya always told me,” Naruto stuttered, fresh tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “Wherever someone is thinking of you is your home. So...you do have a home to come back to Sasuke. ‘Cause I swear. I’ll keep thinking of you.” Naruto’s promise cut through the air, his words freezing Sasuke’s heart in place. Sasuke jerked to face him, seeing Naruto’s cheeks flush slightly at his words, before closing in on him.

        “God, I don’t know why I do that without thinking.” Sasuke pulled away, avoiding Naruto’s shocked expression.

        “You haven’t done that in awhile,” Naruto said softly, swiping his thumb across his bottom lip.

        “I know. I’m sorry I’ve been distant. I don’t want to become strangers again. Things have just gotten really complicated with Hinata lately, and I was...I _am_ confused about my feelings right now. I don’t want to lead you on,” Sasuke sighed, fearful of Naruto’s unreadable expression.

        “Do you like me?” Naruto turned to face him directly, his eyes dulling and softening at the corners slightly.

        “What?” Sasuke’s shoulders dropped.

        “Do. You. Like. Me.” Naruto enunciated, a soft grin tugging at his lips.

        “God Uzumaki, what kind of question is that?” Sasuke said flatly, frowning as Naruto giggled lightly.

        “Well?” he teased, leaning in and tucking a loose strand of Sasuke’s hair behind his ear.

        “What difference does it make? God. I’m with Hinata, okay?” Naruto’s eyebrows raised at his words.

        “Oh? I thought you were just friends,” Naruto turned and leaned back into the couch.

        “Technically. There’s some drama with her boyfriend and she can’t leave him just yet, so...” Naruto nodded slowly, a knowing expression on his face. “I feel so selfish.”

        “You don’t have to explain it to me, it’s none of my business. I just think it’s funny how hard you’re trying to ignore your feelings for me,” Naruto smirked, leaning in until he was touching noses with Sasuke.

        It was the neediest kiss that Sasuke ever had. His lungs filled with him, and he hated himself for giving in so easily. Hinata had given him misguided permission to “hook-up” with other people. Not to “share their pain” as Naruto suggested. Not to feel so strongly for someone else. Guilt ridden, Sasuke pulled away.

        “Why did you kiss me?” He asked, watching Naruto’s swollen eyes flutter open.

        “Because it’s you.” He whispered. Sasuke choked, dropping his head and shaking side to side as tears splashed from his closed eyes. Everything Naruto said was so simple, so straightforward. Everything about this was wrong. Could one human have the capacity to be this emotionally confused?

        “Sasuke.” he commanded his attention again. “You should know...everytime you hurt yourself, or go on about things the way you do, you break so many people's hearts. So many people care about you.  I know I’m wording this so badly...but I care about you so much. I don’t want to see you in this much pain. Even if I can understand it, I just… I can’t bare it.”

        “Why are you doing this?”

        “Because,” Naruto answered. “I…” Instantly, his confidence melted away as he looked at Sasuke’s face.

        “I’m sorry, Naruto. It’s getting late, and I really need you to leave.” Sasuke’s stone cold expression, a perfect replica of his fathers’, made its way onto his face.

        “Oh...yeah. Yeah, um...sorry for barging in like this.” Naruto stood up hastily, his vision blurry and his head light at the emotional whiplash Sasuke was so damn good at doling out.

        “Thank you for listening to me...I’ll call you tomorrow,” Sasuke nodded, walking Naruto to the door. Naruto nodded, the embarrassment of what he had almost done flushing over his cheeks. He bid another quick farewell, his stomach clenching as he made his way to the elevator, fighting the urge to look back as Sasuke shut the door.

        Sasuke turned against the door and slid down to his knees, leaning back on his heels and pulling out his phone.

        “Hey, Hinata.” Sasuke sighed, listening to the beep that told him that his girlfriend had not answered his call. “I know I said I was gonna take you out,” He muttered into his phone. “Some stuff happened, and I just really don’t feel like going out tonight. I’d really like it if you came over, though. Let me know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share <3


	10. Distractions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so happy to say I've reached 100 pages! This is the most I've ever written for one concept. For once I actually want to see something I've written to the end. This piece is special to me. Thank you for reading and rooting for Sasuke <3 I love to read your comments, thoughts and predictions so please leave some below!  
> This chapter is a bit emotionally intense and references gang/domestic violence briefly so please use caution when reading!

 

_ Dear Sasuke,  _

_I feel that this entry will be a bit scatterbrained because I haven’t taken my medication in several days...I’m having a hard time thinking clearly. I’ve been thinking a lot about things, mostly about all of the bullshit people romanticize. Human suffering, in its most basic form, is not beautiful. But people make it seem that way when they date someone that wants to die. I think that everyone is desperate to play the hero. They don’t want to talk about how they have to spend countless nights talking their partner out of harming themselves. The loss of sleep, appetite, jobs, friends, LIFE! God it makes me so angry! Why do_ _teen girls want a guy to stop them from hurting themselves so badly! I hate the idea of putting my burdens on someone else. I know in reading this, I’m doing just that to you though, Sasuke. I’ve become the kind of person I hated._

_ You always used to tell me “I hate the summer but I miss it every time.” Is it because of our birthdays? Even if this isn’t the case, can I be selfish and assume it’s because I’m home from school? You hate the heat and the mugginess of the air as you smoke weed with your friends down at the creek, weaving between the trees in bare feet and bathing in just your skin... but you miss having me around? That’s how it is for me, Sasuke. I only ever want to talk to you, and Shisui. I know you probably won't believe me, but you really are my best friend. I know I’ve kept you at a distance...I’ve always lied to you and asked for your forgiveness. I didn’t want you involved in this. I used to think that cutting ties with everyone would make my death easier. Is that pompous of me? Am I important enough to you to hurt you with my death? I hope you don’t view me as vengeful or acrimonious. I will admit to being selfish, though.  _

_ I was reading this short story about a man that loses his faith in God that I remembered from high school. It’s called “Young Goodman Brown”. You’ll probably have to read it eventually. It made me think of you. This quote so deeply affected me: “The fiend in his own shape is less hideous than when he rages in the breast of men.” I think we often think of humanity as something beautiful. We associate it with positive notions; compassion, benevolence, honor. I’ve come to know that it’s all bullshit. Closure is bullshit. “Just friends” is bullshit. Church? You guessed it. BULLSHIT. My faith in God and his plan for me is wearing thin. I don’t know how enduring what I did could ever be in some sort of plan. We’re supposed to endure till the end right? But I feel like the end is closer than I think. I cannot even begin to describe how soul crushing that is. _

_ But Sasuke, remember this: The truth cannot be hidden forever. Then again, maybe you’ll end up better than me. Maybe things worth living for won’t seem like bullshit to you. Maybe God’s plan for you is better than the one he had for me. I’m sorry for the poor grammar and sentence structure of this entry., but it’s funny. My eyes have gotten so used to watering I can now see through them. _

_ Sasuke…I don’t want to be the reason your spirit breaks, In fact I hope that never happens. But if it does...and if I am the reason, then I’ve lost the right to love you.  _

_ Itachi _

 

        Sasuke knew that Hinata was too often used as a distraction. Her presence between the sheets offered little comfort as he gave into his feverish solitude and tasted her. Her solace was becoming disturbingly similar to the pain Sasuke often felt in his isolation, and the realization terrified him.

        Their first time was nothing like he expected it to be; carnal and amorous. He thought he would devour her. The idea of being with her after waiting for so long in the shadows made him neurotic. Instead he was feverishly warm for days where soft lips grazed his, her perfume still present on his pillowcase and her touch still lingering on his skin no matter how hard he tried to scrub her off. Was Itachi right? Was that all Sasuke was doing? Trying to be the hero in Hinata’s story? He had never felt more guilty for getting something he wanted.

        Loving Hinata was different now that he had her. It was like any sense of mystery had dissipated the moment she took of her clothes. The familiarity of her voice was not that of a couple that had been together for ages either. It became foreign in Sasuke’s ears, as if she was an obligation because of how he felt for so long. But now that he had her, he couldn’t shake that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that he had ruined things by taking this leap. Did he love her the same now that he had her? His thoughts were interrupted by the gentle ping of his phone in his pocket.

 

**FROM: NART**

**I’m sorry if I’ve over-stepped my boundaries. Take all the time you need.**

 

        Naruto’s message made his heart sink, and his self doubt was almost nausea inducing as he replayed the harsh words he’d fed to his friend earlier, wiping at his stinging eyes. Naruto was only trying to help, and Sasuke knew he didn’t deserve it. This only worsened his mood as he sat down in his shower for the third time that day, letting the scalding water pound into his raw skin.

        Naruto understood Sasuke on a level that Hinata never could, and the realization made him sick to his stomach. Hinata had never truly lost anyone. She had her family, albeit broken, though the only person stopping her from reconnecting was herself. She had her father, a man that only wanted what was best for her, and she hated him for it. Then there was her cousin Neji, who was more like a brother, away at another school becoming a lawyer. Sasuke hadn’t even asked if they were keeping in touch. He even wondered when the last time Hinata talked to her younger sister Hanabi was. She was in boarding school on the other side of the country, and he knew she hadn’t been home to visit in ages. 

        Hinata could never understand the true pain of losing someone, especially feeling the responsibility for it. Sasuke often felt like his breathing was labored for this reason. Not like asthma, where you take a few pumps of your inhaler and you're fine again. It was like a massive weight sitting on his chest at all times. 

        Shisui would be expecting him tomorrow. Sasuke would have to retrieve one of the bigger skeletons in his closet for the first time. He’d have to face the congregation; familiar eyes studying him as he walked the halls as an unworthy man. He felt that he might as well wear a sticker that said  _ Sinner  _ on his forehead. But maybe Shisui had the answers Itachi’s journal never provided. He contemplated bringing his late brothers private thoughts with him. Would Shisui be uncomfortable with how much Sasuke knew? Would it even matter? And would he even get a chance alone with him? Or were Itachi’s words for his eyes only. Surely he would’ve instructed Sasuke to show Shisui if that was what he intended. 

 

        It wasn’t so much that Shisui was getting married, regardless of his bride being Itachi’s ex girlfriend. Sasuke’s anger wasn’t really directed towards his brother’s ex lovers. People moved on. Maybe not people like Sasuke, but people nonetheless. His disappointment had washed away most of the anger by then. How was  _ everyone _ so easily moving on? Had Itachi only taken Sasuke’s heart with him? But then again, Sasuke was almost positive that he was the only one that knew the whole truth. Maybe no one could be blamed but Itachi himself, like he had intended in the first place. 

        His mind raced with somewhat rational thoughts for the first time in months as he lathered some shampoo into his hair. He began creating various scenarios for his meeting with Shisui. He’d searched the happy couple on Facebook earlier, all smiles and skin intertwined. Their engagement photos appeared incandescently happy, and Sasuke wondered if it would’ve been the same had Shisui been marrying his brother instead. 

        Sasuke hadn’t been to church since Itachi died, and that prospect of the deal made his stomach flip. The idea of being in the presence of a congregation telling him to rely on God made his heart hurt. Naruto had told him to forgive. Itachi, God,  _ himself.  _ The idea of forgiveness seemed so foreign. He heard Naruto’s scraggly voice whispering in his ear as he leaned his head against the tub. But that was what church was all about. 

_ “Sometimes...you have to accept an apology you never even received”. _

        Without his anger, what did he have left? He felt nauseated as he contemplated what he was about to do. Maybe he needed to rely on God’s grace for once. Maybe his own efforts would never be enough. Did he deserve to have the pain and guilt from responsibility lifted? Reluctantly, Sasuke lifted his head from the tub and bowed, crossing his arms and legs as the shower head pelted down on him. 

 

_ So forgive. Forgive your parents. Forgive Itachi. Forgive yourself. Forgive God! _

 

        “Dear Lord...I know I haven’t done this in a while…” he began awkwardly. He felt stupid, but continued nonetheless. “I’ve sort of forgotten how to. I guess I’m kind of mad at you for taking my brother away from me.” He let his eyes drift open slightly as they began to water. “I guess that’s not your fault. Naruto told me I have to forgive people. I don’t know if the pain in my heart will go away if i do, but I guess I should try.” He felt his voice skip up an octave as the tears began to stream down his cheeks, mixing with the shower water. “So, God, I’m asking as nice as I possibly can. Please give me the strength to forgive Shisui and Izumi. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. And please bless me that I will be able to control mine. I’m so tired of hurting people. I don’t want to cause any more people pain. I know I don’t deserve to ask you for anything, but if you could just help me out this time, I promise I will try to do better. If you could just tell me what I need to do, that would help a lot.” Sasuke’s voice shook as the shower water dripped down into his eyes. “If anyone can, I know it’s you. I also want to say thank you for giving me Naruto and Hinata. And meeting Sakura again...maybe it was luck or maybe it was you. Regardless, I’m still grateful. I’ve gotten so comfortable in my loneliness that I forgot what it felt like to have people care about me. I know I don’t deserve them. But maybe...maybe Naruto was part of your plan to get me to talk to you again. I’m really sorry for not...keeping in touch.” He let out a humourless chuckle. “I don’t know why I couldn’t just swallow my pride and keep going to church. Or at least keep talking to you. I feel so weak for that. I believe... Or at least I think I do. I’m sorry I haven’t been trying my best in that sense. I’ve been so bad at staying faithful...just wallowing in my self pity. I guess I don't  _ really  _ know if you’re listening. But I think you are. Maybe this is a waste of time cause I’m asking for a lot and I don’t deserve your help. But God, if you do want to help me,” he bit his lip as more tears formed. “Would you please bless my parents to find it in their hearts to forgive me.” He coughed out the last part, his tears controlling his shaking voice and teary eyes. “And give me the strength to ask them to? I know I chickened out last time...but I know if I had your help I would be able to do it. I guess this really is my last ditch effort. I’m a piece of shit. Oh- sorry for swearing,” he broke his crossed arms and wiped at his blurry eyes before folding them again. “I think that I’ve been too comfortable in my misery. I really don’t want to be alone anymore. Maybe you sent Naruto to me? It sort of feels like you did, ‘cause he really is an angel. Maybe you did ‘cause you knew he would get me back on track. I know it’s gonna take a while, but I promise I really will try. For the first time since I found Itachi’s journal, I feel like I want to change.” He took a couple of shaky breaths before continuing. “I know that everything happens for a reason, but I really wish I didn’t find that journal, God. It’s only brought suffering. I guess you didn’t want me to live in ignorance anymore. I was supposed to find that journal. I just don’t know why yet. You haven’t crossed my mind in a long time because I didn’t want you to, and I’m really sorry. I dunno if I can promise to remain faithful right away. But I will promise to try if you do this for me. And I swear, I will never hurt the people I love again.” He regained control of his voice, his face sweating from the heat of the shower. “I know that I should be grateful for my trials, ‘cause they help me grow as a person. But I guess I haven’t let the pain do its job like I should. I’ve just been stuck in place. I haven’t been learning from these experiences. But Naruto is trying to show me that I can. I guess I’ve forgotten what your love has felt like, God. Maybe because I didn’t deserve it. But I know that it’s always been there, even if I want to deny that at my worst. I guess I’m just rambling now. Anyways, if you were listening, thanks for hearing me out. I hope I can do better. I know I can with your help. In Jesus name, amen.” He finished his lackluster prayer almost unwillingly, rubbing his face under the falling water. 

        It had been years since Sasuke had prayed so earnestly; his sincerity and desire to improve shining through his bumbling dialogue. It felt like preparation for tomorrow morning. As he stood up and stepped out of the shower and into a towel, he felt his stomach stir up at the idea of tomorrow. He had to control his feelings and not back out like he so desperately wanted to. He had to see Shisui’s face. He had to hear his side. He had to talk about Itachi with someone who’d understand.

        After slipping into some sweatpants. He carefully selected his church attire for the following morning. He settled on a creased, powder blue button down he hadn’t worn in years. He tried it on in the mirror, grimacing as he noticed how much tighter it had become despite his few and far between gym efforts with Naruto. He retrieved the nice pair of slacks his mother had bought him for easter a couple of years ago, which were snug but still bearable. Folding his clothes, he set them on the chair of his desk and paced the room, droplets of water from his still-damp hair shaking every which way.

        So many years of anger and contempt were threatening to bubble up into Sasuke’s throat. He hoped that his prayer would be enough to restrain him, but somehow the idea of seeing Shisui’s smiling face after all this time threatened Sasuke’s solidarity. He begged God silently with his thoughts as he ran a comb through his hair, water droplets splashing against his floor length mirror as he heard the door open and shut. 

        “Sasuke?” she called, her footsteps reaching the door of his bedroom. She rapped her knuckle against the door softly, calling his name again more reverently. “Sasuke? The front door was open…” He ran a hand through his wet hair and opened the bedroom door for her, watching her light smile twist into concern as she took in his swollen cheeks and red eyes. Wordlessly, she reached forward and wrapped her arms around his bare back. She shivered into his touch as his hair dripped down onto her head. He did not reciprocate her embrace, feeling her small hands rubbing comforting circles on the small of his back. Her touch was searing against his cold wet skin. 

        “Oh Sasuke...when did you become so jaded?” she pulled away slowly, reaching up to take his puffy face into her sympathetic palms. He placed a hand over hers, willing the tears threatening to spill over to go back into his eyes. To no avail, he gave into his frustrations and allowed his icy tears to leak out onto Hinata’s tender embrace. She wiped underneath his right eye, freeing his red eyes from their salty chains. 

        “I’m seeing Shisui tomorrow, I just prayed for the first time in years, and I just kissed Naruto. Again.” he huffed, biting his lip as he waited for Hinata’s reaction. He saw her violet eyes flick up to his, as if they were searching for something. 

“What do you want me to say? Do you want me to get angry?” She muttered, pulling her hand from his grasp. “Because I can’t.”

        “Yes, Hinata. Get angry at me. Slap me. Something. Anything,” he begged, grabbing her hand again as she turned away. He yanked her into him, holding her tightly as she pounded on his back with weak fists.

        “It’s not fair to you. I have to keep my distance because of Kiba and you’re looking for that fulfilment elsewhere. It’s my fault.”

        “Oh my god, Hinata! That is not it at all,” Sasuke hoped that he would believe his words a bit more if he vocalized them.

        “Regardless, I told you that you could see other people. Do you...like Naruto?” He paused, contemplating her question.

        “Yes,” he answered. 

        “Do you love me?” she implored, searching his face for more answers.

        “Yes.” he replied with no hesitation. She started to cry, turning away from him.

        “I keep breaking my promises, don’t I? I said I wasn’t going to hurt you anymore.” She turned to face him, her eyes glossing over from her tears. 

        “I can never be what you need me to be, can I? I’m too weak. You despise me, don’t you?”

        “How could I despise you?” Sasuke gripped her shoulders. 

        “You’ve been so honest with me, and I haven’t been honest with you. I’ve almost taken the wrong path so many times, and I’m on the wrong one right now. Maybe we should just...break up.” Sasuke released her, his face dropping at her words. “If Kiba finds out, he will kill you. I’m sure of it. If anything were to happen to you, especially because of me…”

        “What are you talking about? I’m sure I could take his scrawny ass.”

        “No, Sasuke you have to listen to me. I haven’t told you the-”

        “Hinata.” he stopped her, and her eyes widened slightly at his sudden command for attention. “When are you going to stop telling me how I feel? I could never hate you. No matter what you do. It will never happen. But will we always be this? Sneaking around? Fucking on the weekends Kiba’s away and pretending that it’s enough? I don’t care about the risks. I just want you.”

        “Sasuke...you don’t understand. Kiba’s from a rough part of town. His friends...they will kill you. He will kill you. These past few weeks have been worse than ever. I think he’s getting into more hardcore stuff. And he just got a gun, and I’m worried he’s joined a gang. Ridiculous, right? I thought he’d just stop at dealing, but I’m not sure. He never answers any of my questions. But I just have this feeling…”

        “Wait...what?” Sasuke’s eyes widened at her words. 

        “I think he’s joined a-”

        “WHAT THE FUCK HINATA?” Sasuke screamed, and she yelped. “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS SOONER! HAS HE BEEN THREATENING YOU?” Sasuke shouted at the top of his lungs, and Hinata crumpled.

        “He’s waved it in my face a few times...but It’s never been loaded.” She chuckled nervously, bringing her hand up to her chin in her old nervous habit. 

        “YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW THAT!!!!” Sasuke couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I’m calling the goddamn police. This has gone on long enough.” He reached for his phone. 

        “No Sasuke, please don’t. He’ll find out and do something.” 

        “Not if his ass is in jail! Why are you still defending him?” He gripped her outstretched wrist and flung it away from him. She winced, holding her limp wrist and sucking air into her cheeks. 

        “Oh god, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to grip it that hard,” Sasuke apologized profusely. 

        “It’s not you. Kiba tweaked it earlier when I tried to leave.” She twisted her hand gingerly to stretch it, wincing again at its soreness.

        “Let me get you some ice,” Sasuke insisted. She took his free hand with her uninjured one and they padded to the kitchen. He dropped her hand and gripped her waist, placing her down on the kitchen counter. He grabbed an unopened bag of frozen peas to give to her, which she muttered her thanks for. 

        “Sasuke….” she mumbled as she watched him pace, his bare chest rising and falling softly as he tried to calm his breathing. 

        “Hinata. My dad’s a cop. He would know what to do. Maybe we should just get out of here or something. Move away, you know? You were going to move in with me anyways.” Sasuke was almost frantic in his delivery, and Hinata’s lilac eyes were beginning to widen when they met his inky black ones.

        “You haven’t spoken to your dad in like a year. Why would you do that? It doesn’t make sense to leave either. You’re in your last semester, and I still have a couple left.”

        “I’d do it for you. You know I would.”

        “Sasuke…” she breathed, examining him. “I can hold on for a little bit longer. I just really don’t want to get the police involved. And I don’t want you to have to talk to your family for me either.”

        “Is there any reason though? Aren’t you scared? Don’t you want to leave? He’s abusing you.” Sasuke began to plead with her.

        “I dunno...I guess I’m just scared. And I’m so used to things being the way that they are now....I’m worried that if I try anything he will make us regret it.” she scooted off of the counter and pulled him into her. He held her softly, shivering into the frozen peas as they grazed his stomach. 

        “Sorry,” she muttered, setting the bag down on the counter behind them. She dropped her hands to Sasuke’s abs and ran her uninjured hand delicately over them.

        “Ugh, don’t. I’m a fucking slob now.” He sighed, embarrassed as she glided over him. 

        “I like you a bit softer…” she sighed into him, slipping her hand down lower until it was teasing the band of his sweatpants. 

        “I can’t right now...I just...I only wanna talk to you,” Sasuke sensed her intentions. 

        “Oh. Can we still go to the bedroom though?” She asked. He nodded, following her as she turned and stepped into the bedroom door that was left ajar. Sasuke shut it softly behind him as he watched Hinata slip out of her skirt and sink down into the bed. 

        Her skin matched his sheets perfectly, a pale contrast to the navy blue cheeksters that hugged her rear. She flipped over to lay on her stomach, patting the bed behind her to invite him to join. He sighed and slipped in next to her, wrapping his free arm around her waist and letting his hand wander up her shirt. She sighed into his cool touch, and he tried not to get excited as she pressed into him. 

        Hinata knew exactly what she was doing. She’d worn panties in his favorite color, pressing up against him and tempting him to make him forget about their conversation earlier. But Sasuke wanted comfort that didn’t come from between the sheets.

        “We aren’t done talking about the Kiba thing, you know,” he moaned as she began to grind against him softly. “Hinata, look at me.” Defeated, she turned to look at him.

        “Sasuke…” she groaned defeatedly.

        “How can you be so calm about this? I don’t even want to let you out of my sight ever again after hearing this.” He took his arm from her waist and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

        “Sasuke, please, just…” she reached for the waistband of his sweatpants again. 

        “Hinata, seriously no. I don’t want to.” He said sternly, moving her hand from him. She placed it back where it was and began to rub softly. 

        “You sure? ‘Cause your body is telling me otherwise.” 

        “Hinata! Holy shit I said no okay? Can you be serious for like 5 seconds?” He pushed her hand away more roughly and shot up from the bed.

        “God...I’m sorry.” She pulled her legs to her chest and watched his eyes crease in anger.

        “I’m sorry for freaking out, I just...I don’t like how lightly you’re taking this. I want to tell my dad and see what he wants you to do. He will protect you.” Sasuke pleaded. 

        “You haven’t even fucking seen him in like a year!” She yelled, throwing her hands up. 

        “I just tried to…” he whispered, turning away from her.

        “What?”  
        “I skipped english on friday and drove home. I went to see Itachi’s bench. I wanna forgive them, Hinata. And I want them to forgive me. I want to have a home again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share :D


	11. Itachi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the longer letters Itachi has left Sasuke. Think of it as chapter 10.5  
> Sorry for slow updates, I really do want to finish this story. Please be patient with me. I'm also finally going back and naming chapters! Yay me <3

_ Dear Sasuke, _

_ I’ve been conflicted lately. This kind of thing just doesn’t happen to boys. When its a girl, they always ask “well, what were you wearing?”. I remember what I was wearing: my sunday dress shirt and some slacks that got too big. Oh, and one of dad’s belts. It’s not like it was revealing. But does that even matter? Did the way I dress somehow convey the message that I wanted to have sex? But I must’ve given him the wrong signals or something. How could he have known that I like men as well? Did i give off some sort of “gay” vibe? Did he think i was flirting with him? Did he think i wanted him to do that to me? These are the questions that have been consuming me this entire time.  _

_ Maybe you’ve noticed how distant I’ve been. I know I used to come home much more often for sunday dinner. I haven’t told Mother and Father that I stopped going to church. Do I give you too much credit, or not enough? I can only hope that you read this when you’re mature enough to understand. The thought of burdening you further revolts me. _

_ Sasuke, I can’t even begin to explain the overwhelming guilt that clouds my entire relationship with Shisui. I know you’ve only just begun dating as I write this, so at the moment you don’t understand, but hopefully you will one day? If not, count yourself lucky. I think my love is finally starting to grow tired of me. Yesterday, when i tried to instigate a break-up after starting another fight, he asked me why i'm always so ready to throw “us” away. He says he understands, or rather, he wants to understand what i’m going through. But that’s never going to happen. He doesn’t see that i’m trying to help him by getting rid of me. He shouldn’t be wasting what are supposed to be the best years of his life with me.  _

_ Have you ever experienced something that completely and utterly fucks up everything else that comes after it? (The highschool mindset can blow a lot of things out of proportion, so I hope you’re not still in it when you find this.) For me, it was that goddamn interview in that goddamn classroom. If it wasn’t obvious enough..every fucking time I have something good it feels like he comes back and he takes it away from me.  _

_ I’m constantly waking up in the middle of the night, fucking terrified because my body just won’t move. Sometimes it’s like a huge weight on my chest that’s preventing me from taking a full breath. Other times my body just moves on its own. I say things I don’t mean, I do things I don’t want to do. Did he take my agency the day he took away my peace of mind?  _

_ I think that’s why i’m always racing to the end of things... out of fear that i won’t know how to end it later so it’s better to end it now. Which, consequently, might be how i feel about my powerlessness over death, too. Is that what i’m doing to Shisui? I can admit a hundred times over that the sabotage and heartache i’ve inflicted on him is unforgivable, and yet he loves me anyways. I couldn’t have ever imagined someone as wonderful as him falling for someone as ignominious as me. And then sometimes, i regret telling anyone what happened to me. People love to “fix” others. Is that all that Shisui is doing? Maybe I don’t need fixing. Maybe I just need to disappear for a while.  _

_ I’ve always wondered what it would be like to pause life for a short period of time just to take a fucking break. To cease to exist for a month or two without raising concern from others. I need to stop everything for a while. Things have started to become unbearable. I often think that if i could just step outside of my own frame, even if only for a little while, I could start to remember why i’m fighting so hard to stay alive. But maybe i’m not trying as hard as I should. My efforts never seem to be poured into the proper thing. And if they are, it never seems to be enough. _

_ Something I’ve noticed lately: there are a lot of things about me that don’t translate well to others… and it really bothers me. I used to feel like an open book, but i realized that sharing my interests and conversing with others doesn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things. We form bonds with others based on the connections of our feelings. Most of these are as superficial as our same taste in media or our similar upper-middle-class upbringing. But what if I need more than that? I don’t think I could ever be as close to you as you are to me. I’m never going to be the person to others that I wish I was. Shisui always asks if that bothers me. He wonders how I can fix the “wrong” image that others have of me. But honestly, i feel as though there is nothing to be done. I think I’ve accepted most parts of myself. Even the parts I don’t like. I’d rather not change. I don’t see it out of laziness, but rather, I don’t want to change the elements that make me “me” for something as trivial as an emotion or desire that would be easier to get over rather than to change myself and satisfy the craving. I often ask myself why I feel that way? At least, that’s how I used to feel. Perhaps it was from mother and father pumping into me the importance of others opinions of me since birth. I’m glad I’ve recognized the utter bullshit that such an ideology spews. The toxicity of many of mother and father’s teachings has caused more harm than good. I hope you already know that by the time you read this.  _

_ I always wanted to be the kind of person that didn’t give a damn what others thought of me. To be able to be comfortable enough in my own skin that the opinions of others that i did not have a strong attachment to or respect for would mean nothing. I’ve always admired you for that, Sasuke. I know that even people that don’t care feel the pain of it for at least a little while. Who wants to be undermined in their existence? Recognizing that not everyone is going to like you is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to learn in these coming years.  _

_ I feel as though we as humans ignore how badly we need validation for our own existence. I think a lot of people try to fill that void through bullshit like finding a “purpose” in their lives. They make themselves feel better by serving others because it looks good in other people's eyes. When did our lives become a show for others to enjoy? I feel like my life isn’t mine anymore. Now I know that there is no meaning in changing or bettering myself from this point on. That part of me didn’t come home with me when i left that classroom.  _

_ There’s so much more to say. Hopefully one day, I’ll have the courage to tell you. _

_ Your Elder Brother, _

_ Itachi _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share <3


	12. Letters I'll Never Send

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do another little side chapter of letters, but this time from Sasuke to various people in his life. Thank you for being patient with me! FINALLY we get Shisui in the next chapter! I'm so excited to introduce him. As always thank you for reading!  
> This chapter talks about Sasuke's experiences such as finding Itachi's body and other really heavy stuff so as always, please use caution when reading! Love you guys ~

_ Dear Itachi, _

_ I really fucking hate you. I hate that you left me all alone. I hate that you never felt like you could tell me what was going on. I hate feeling like I should’ve done something. I hate that I didn’t find out anything until it was too late. I hate that I didn’t know how much Shisui meant to you. I hate that you thought you did something to deserve what happened to you. I hate that you left a note addressed to me next to your lifeless fucking body. I hate that you left a goddamn journal and every goddamn entry is written for me. I hate that you’re never gonna be an uncle to my kids. I hate that I’ll never be one to yours. I hate that you’ll never be a father. I hate that you’ll never be a brother-in-law to my spouse. I hate that you felt like dying was the only way to escape so much fucking pain that you didn’t deserve. I hate that I couldn’t save you. I hate that I didn’t know what was going on. I hate feeling like I couldn't have done anything even if I did. I hate that I didn’t notice anything was wrong because I was too preoccupied with my stupid fucking highschool life. I hate that dad called you a queer. I hate that mom let him. I hate that they made you go to that stupid interview. I hate that I haven’t spoken to them in a year because of it. I hate that Shisui didn’t come to your funeral. I hate that Shisui is marrying your ex girlfriend. I hate that you never got to work in your dream job. I hate that you suffered with a terrible heart condition that already made life shitty. I hate that you made me an only child. I hate that you made me a nightmare to love. I hate that you made Sakura leave me, because I couldn’t be a good fucking boyfriend while I was agonizing over you. I hate that you’ll never meet Naruto or Hinata. I hate that I have to talk about you all the fucking time and it never makes me feel better. I hate that when people get close to me, everything about you just spills out of me. I hate how much I scare people because of how badly you hurt me. I hate blaming you for hurting me. I hate that. I hate that your room looks exactly the same as you left it. I hate that you were wearing my favorite shirt of yours when you did it. I hate that you played one of my favorite songs. I hate that I found you. I hate that you’ll never poke my forehead again and say “maybe next time”. I hate how much I miss you every day. I hate how much I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.  _

  
  


_ Dear Hinata, _

_ You ask me to pinpoint my feelings for you, as if I could just remember the exact moment I fell in love with you so desperately. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I’ve noticed that people fall in love with how people make them feel rather than for the person that made them feel the way they love. But maybe it’s okay that my love for you is sort of a mixture of both.  _

_ I guess if I had to pick a specific instance, it would be that hike we took sophomore year in your hometown. The sun was starting to lower just as we got to the end of the trail, and your hair was starting to curl from the humidity as you tied it back. There was this huge rock that was flat enough to sit on comfortably, so we did. You asked me if Itachi prefered the sunrise or the sunset. I said he liked the moon best. I got quiet after that. You said kids aren’t supposed to die before their parents. I said we can never go back to the way things were. You took my hand and told me that you didn’t want to go back, because your past didn’t have me. You were so matter-of-fact, saying how you felt the moment you felt it. I guess that’s why your eventual confession caught me so off guard. But I stayed silent for a little longer, watching your eyes catch the glow of the sun lowering. I remember how perfectly it reflected off of them. My insides felt like a washing machine. I think it was the first time I noticed how beautiful you were. I thought I could feel some of the cracks in my heart mending as you squeezed my hand. But I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know how to be ready. I wanted to ask if I could trust you, despite knowing I could. But I just stayed silent.  _

_ I’m sorry I could never find the words to say how I felt. _

_ Sasuke _

  
  
  


_ Naruto, _

_ I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what you said. You’ve never judged me. You barely know me and yet you told me you were my home. You only come closer when I pull away. You know when to let me have my space and when to force things out of me. I’ve never been so fucking scared of someone in my entire life. I used to want to be alone forever. Now the idea terrifies me. I want to tell you I miss you and not Hinata. Or maybe I do miss her when I need someone, but not as much as I miss you? I’m scared to be this honest. I love her. I know I do. So why do I feel so guilty for the way I feel about you? You’re attacking my head. I’m worried about falling for you. I don’t know if you’ll stay around the way I think you will. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know if I could ever tell you how I feel. But sometimes I think you already know, anyways.  _

_ Sasuke _

  
  


_ Mom, _

_ Tell Dad I’m sorry. I never meant the things that I said. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to tell you to your face.  _

_ Sasuke _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Share~


	13. Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, I get to introduce Shisui. I've been really excited about this! Thank you for reading this far!  
> This chapter references sexual assault so please use caution when reading!

        He was taller than Sasuke remembered. His hair had gotten less frizzy, now trimmed shorter and gelled back. He dressed expensively, as if he never wore the same outfit twice. His eyes were warm, but Sasuke could feel the weariness behind them as they greeted him. His fiance followed, her hair pulled back to reveal her delicate face. She was impossibly beautiful, taking Sasuke’s breath away for a moment as she grabbed her fiance’s hand and walked towards him. Sasuke felt his shirt begin to stick to the nervous perspiration on his back despite the cold weather. He greeted the couple, nodding politely as people greeted him as they passed. He wiped his palms on the sides of his slacks before taking Shisui’s outstretched hand.

        “You’ve gotten so tall!” Izumi exclaimed, dropping Shisui’s hand and pulling Sasuke in for a hug. He tensed slightly, politely returning the gesture before pulling away. He forced a smile, pushing his long hair from his face.

        “Thanks for coming, Sasuke.” Shisui bit his lip the way he always did, running a hand through his hair before placing it on his fiance’s back.

        “Um, yeah...Thanks for...having me.” Sasuke muttered shyly. His anger seemed to dissipate as he felt his sheepishness manifest. He had no problem expressing his frustrations in the privacy of his own space, but seeing his brothers ex’s in the flesh changed things. However, there were still several questions that needed answers, and Sasuke needed the entirety of the church service to prepare to ask them. His thoughts wandered to other questions he needed answers to.

        The last few days had been the longest Sasuke and Naruto had gone without talking since the day they met, and the thought of seeing the blonde in person tomorrow in class made Sasuke’s insides feel like a washing machine.

        It wasn’t merely the guilt he felt for ignoring his friend after he had reached out. Sasuke was _nervous_ to see Naruto. He had kissed him again, this time with a somewhat solid definition of his relationship with Hinata. He was still somewhat perturbed by his lover’s reaction to his confession of feelings for Naruto. Sasuke quelled his doubts by reminding himself that Hinata had asked if he loved her, and he was satisfied by her acceptance of his declaration. However, he couldn’t ignore the awkwardness that ensued when she left later that night. They hadn’t had sex, and Sasuke could tell she wasn’t happy about it. Making love had started to feel like a chore, and Sasuke hadn’t really been in the mood for such intimacy since getting Shisui’s wedding invitation in the mail.

        The overwhelming self doubt that clouded his judgements involving his relationship were beginning to change his perception of her. He was worried that he wouldn’t be able to control himself around Naruto anymore. Naruto offered the comfort and understanding that Sasuke had craved the moment it hit him that Itachi wouldn’t be coming back. Experiencing his kindness filled him more than Hinata’s empty words of encouragement ever could.

        This did nothing to quell the overwhelming guilt he was experiencing from his feelings for Naruto growing stronger. Hinata was too sweet, too understanding of Sasuke’s feelings. She deserved someone that was irrevocably in love with her, not the insecurity of Sasuke’s confounding rapport.

        It was a catch 22; Sasuke not wanting to lose Naruto’s friendship but wanting to jump his bones at the same time. The culpability he felt towards his relationship with Hinata began to outweigh the positive as he mulled over the state of his relationship in the pews of the chapel.

        “We must forgive those that have wronged us in the past,” Sasuke caught bits and pieces of the pastor's sermon.

        “Can Itachi forgive me for not being able to save him?” Sasuke whispered to himself, dropping his head into his hand. His skin was itching for relief from the crunchy poly-cotton blend of his dress shirt.

        “Hmm? Did you say something?” Shisui whispered softly, leaning down to Sasuke’s dropped head.

        “No, sorry,” he muttered. Shisui hesitated before he sat up again, re-crossing his legs the opposite way and grabbing Izumi’s hand. Sasuke could feel the tension building in the back of his head as he felt the familiar bubbles of anger crawling up his throat. He breathed deeply, attempting to expel the negative thoughts. The denomination, much to Sasuke’s surprise, was somewhat peaceful. It felt warm and familiar, like easter sunday with his family when he was little. His mind flashed to hunting for eggs from the easter bunny with his beloved older brother and posing for pictures in his new sunday suits; his father’s stern but comforting hand squeezing his shoulder gently as his mother snapped far too many pictures. He smiled lightly, letting his eyes wander about the room.

        “Luke 17: 3 reads: ‘So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them,’” the Pastor continued. His words reminded Sasuke of Naruto.

        “The Savior already bore our burdens for us. How can we feel the shame, regret, and pain of this life for so long? The Adversary wants us to forget that the love of our Savior can comfort us when we feel alone. We cannot forget that The Messiah has known the same pain and loneliness that we feel in this life. He suffered for our sins so that we wouldn’t have to.” Sasuke’s throat closed up at the last sentence. _He suffered for our sins so that we wouldn’t have to._

        For a moment, albeit brief, the pessimistic thoughts that always seemed at the forefront of Sasuke’s brain dissipated. The burden of his guilt began to lessen as he thought of how grateful he was to have Naruto and Hinata in his life, rather than focusing so much on himself and how he felt about them romantically. Maybe that aspect of his relationships wasn’t nearly as important as their friendships. And he’d been a pretty bad friend lately.

        How could he have forgotten? How could he have felt so lonely, so misunderstood, when his Redeemer had already experienced the same pain and loneliness? Was this was Naruto was trying to tell him?

        He prayed again, asking God to help him stay calm once more. He wanted to hear Shisui out. He asked for help understanding Shisui’s point of view as well. Sasuke wanted an open mind when hearing Shisui’s side. Sasuke dropped his head, staring intently at the carpet floor as his eyes began to fill.

        “‘Love the sinner, hate the sin.’ We’ve all heard this many times before. My brethren, we must practice what we preach here today. We must remember to love ALL of God’s children as He intended.” Sasuke’s ears perked up slightly at the speakers words. “There is no sin too great, no burden too large to bear alone. There is nothing you could ever say or do that would take away God’s love forever.” The Pastor smiled as he spoke, and Sasuke stopped resisting the tears that began to drip from his eyes onto the floor. It was the kind of cry that was startling to anyone that witnessed it. God’s love was always there, he was just too closed off and angry to accept it. “God loves us exactly as we are. He knows our limitations and he knows our hearts and minds. This can never change.” Sasuke sat up again, his lips stretched thin in an expression that would put his father’s sternness to shame. They began to quiver as his tears splashed down his face, his eyes never breaking their concentration on the speaker. Naruto was right again. Sasuke envied how comfortable Naruto could be in his sexuality and his relationship with God and everyone around him. He had no regrets, no shame in being himself. He knew that God would love him no matter what.

        Suddenly, Sasuke felt the warmth of touch on his face gently wipe away at the streaks of tears. Shisui was wiping his thumb across Sasuke’s cheeks, just like Itachi used to. Sasuke’s swollen eyes widened as his head turned just enough to face him. Izumi looked ahead, listening intently to the sermon as Shisui smiled with such gentleness that Sasuke’s heart tore. His eyes were clouded with an understanding that Sasuke hadn’t yet experienced. He saw God in those eyes.

 

_So forgive. Forgive your parents. Forgive Itachi. Forgive yourself. Forgive God!_

 

        Almost as suddenly as Shisui had touched him, he pulled away, dropping his head slightly onto his fiance’s. Sasuke’s eyes filled with fresh tears as he stared intently at the floor again. What was this feeling? His heart was pounding, but in a good way. It was like his mind and body were slowly starting to heal. His head had never been clearer.

        Conversely, Sasuke didn’t feel guilt towards his previous views of the day and of Shisui and Izumi, but rather, regretful. How could he have passed such harsh judgement on people he had known for so long? They had grown apart, and Sasuke had become an adult holding on to adolescent feelings. Maybe he didn’t _really_ know them the way he used too, but Shisui’s simple gesture had brought back the warmth that Sasuke remembered from his brother. For the first time, Sasuke didn’t wish to magnify and project the guilt he had carried around for so long onto others. Naruto was right. He wanted to forgive.

 

* * *

 

 

        Shisui and Izumi’s apartment was as quaint as Sasuke knew it would be. The interior was trendy, with far too many mirrors for his liking. He slipped off his shoes and checked out his steadily growing physique in the large mirror hanging over the mantle of the living space. He sighed quietly at his expanding waistline, feeling the tightness of his dress pants against his hips.

        “Can I get you something to drink, Sasuke?” Izumi’s soft voice called to him. “We have water, juice, beer…” Her voice trailed off as she slid Shisui’s coat off of his shoulders and hung it in the hallway closet.

        “Um...beer is fine, thanks.” His cheeks turned pink in a twinge of embarrassment for letting himself get carried away by his own reflection in someone else’s home. Izumi disappeared into the kitchen, leaving the men in an uncomfortable silence.

        “Have a seat anywhere you like, Sasuke,” Shisui said, sinking down into the brown leather couch across from the TV. Sasuke sat down gingerly in the matching love seat facing the coffee table, diagonal from Shisui. He placed his feet flat on the floor, watching Shisui switch which side his legs crossed until he settled. Izumi resurfaced, holding the refreshments.

        “Thanks, dear,” Shisui sighed, taking the opened beer from his fiance. She handed one to Sasuke, who accepted it graciously.

        “I’ll get started on dinner,” Izumi nodded before disappearing into the kitchen again, leaving the men alone again.

        They resumed their unsettling silence; Shisui overthinking his tender gesture from earlier and Sasuke searching for the words he’s wanted to say for so long. He let his eyes wander about the living room. There were pictures of the happy couple from their engagement shoot arranged neatly on the mantle, and photos of the pair and their parents printed on a large canvas hung on the opposing wall.

        “Honey?” Izumi called from the kitchen before entering the room. “The wedding planner called. There’s some sort of issue with the florist.” Izumi re-entered the room and slipped into her shoes. “She needs me to meet her there. It shouldn’t be more than an hour. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” She slid into her jacket and planted a kiss on his gelled curls, grabbing the car keys from the bowl on the mantle.

        “Be safe,” Shisui called to her as she closed the door. His gaze dropped to the floor and he smiled lightly, taking a sip of his beer before flicking his eyes up to meet Sasuke’s. Sasuke flinched away from the intensity of the gaze, embarassed by how hard he was studying the man’s features.

        “Sasuke…” he set his drink down, rubbing his temples and closing his eyes. “Where do I start?” Sasuke began to relax his frigid demeanor, setting his full drink down on the coffee table.

        “There’s so much I’ve wanted to say to you for so long. So many awful and hurtful things.” Sasuke sighed, rubbing the skin between his thumb and index finger. He gazed about the room nervously, his eyes widening in surprise at the framed photo above the unlit fireplace. It was a group photo of a young Shisui, Itachi and Sasuke, proudly displaying some pumpkins they had carved for Halloween back when Sasuke was in middle school.

        “I deserve it. I deserve to hear every single thing you want to say. I didn’t even think you’d come today. I feel bad for doubting you.” Shisui looked up at him, but Sasuke refused to meet his eyes, instead focusing on the photo.

        “I wanted to hurt you.” Sasuke admitted. “I wanted you to feel bad for being happy when I’ve been drowning for so long.” Shisui remained silent. “Why didn’t you come?” Sasuke turned to face him again. “To the funeral?”

        “I did. Well, sort of. I stayed in my car. I was too ashamed to show my face. I didn’t want to see how heartbroken you were. I felt like it was my fault. I should’ve told someone what was happening. I never took it seriously enough...I was always shouldering the whole burden. I thought I could save him myself. I should've told someone. Now I know I’m just a coward.” Shisui’s words seemed to tumble out of his mouth, as if he had been rehearsing each word to say for the entire time they were apart.

        “I hated you,” Sasuke muttered, clenching his fist. “I hated you so fucking much.”

        “You should. You should hate me.” Shisui’s voice cracked slightly. He wiped furiously at a tear that spilled from his eye.

        “I know you were more than just his best friend,” Sasuke grit his teeth, his hand aching from how hard he was clenching it. Shisui blinked through his tears, peering up at Sasuke’s unforgiving gaze.

        “So he told you…” Shisui whispered.

        “Sort of…” Sasuke’s mind flashed to the journal. “But, I know now that it’s wrong to blame you. For everything. You did what you thought was right.”

        “Sasuke…”

        “When I got your invitation in the mail...I was so angry. I wanted to scream at you forever. I was mad at you for moving on.” Sasuke relaxed his hand and pressed the corners of his eyes. “But a friend told me that I have to start forgiving the people I’ve been blaming everything on, even if the offense was only taken on my part.”

        “Sasuke... I will never completely move on. I carry it with me everywhere I go. This immense guilt... “ Shisui’s eyes pleaded with Sasuke for his understanding. “You despise me, don’t you?”

        “No…” Sasuke trailed off, his brain unable to collect his thoughts properly. “You loved my brother through the toughest parts of his life. You did more for him than I ever did. I should be thanking you. And I’m sorry. I went back and forth for so long, deciding if I should come here today. But, I think it was the right choice. Seeing you here, with Izumi, I just...I feel like it’s what Itachi would've wanted.”

        “But Sasuke…”

        “Shi,” Sasuke sighed, using the nickname he had for his brother’s boyfriend a lifetime ago. “I’m really sorry. I’ve been so selfish. I know we hardly know each other anymore. I’ve just...I never got over it. I haven’t moved on from this. I guess I’m just...jealous of you. I see the way you look at her. It’s the way you used to look at Itachi. I guess I was always naive back then… top wrapped up in my own little high school problems to see the bigger picture...Never picking up on you two, or Itachi’s feelings. I spent so much time blaming myself. I wanted everyone to suffer the way I was suffering. I guess that’s why I was so angry when I got your invitation.” Sasuke’s eyes were spilling over with tears again, but his voice remained unwavering, and the sight unsettled Shisui as tears of his own began to run down his cheeks.

        “You don’t have to apologize to me, Sasuke. I’m the one that should be apologizing. _I_ was the selfish one. I was too ashamed to show my face. I promised Itachi that I’d always be there for you, no matter what. And I failed him again…” Shisui’s voice broke at the mention of his past lovers name, and Sasuke nodded calmly through the tears blurring his vision. “I keep breaking all my goddamn promises.”

        “Some people need to hear the things they already know, so I’ll tell you as many times as you need, Shi. My big brother loved you. He really, truly loved you with his entire heart. And I loved him, too. I’ve spent 8 long ass years blaming myself and everyone around me for something that was Itachi’s choice. I knew it all along, too. But a friend had to remind me. So I’ll be the friend that reminds you, Shi.” The weight on Sasuke’s heart began to lift from his encouraging words, and Shisui blinked through his tears as Sasuke reached over to wipe them away.

        “Sasuke...you were carrying this burden alone this entire time, weren’t you? I should've been there for you. Can you forgive me?” Shisui grabbed Sasuke’s hand and pleaded with him, his eyes a violent shade of grief.

        “Only if you can forgive me for everything up to now,” Sasuke flashed a rare smile, rubbing his tears away with the heel of his free hand. Shisui nodded softly, releasing his hand and ruffling Sasuke’s hair the way he did when they were younger.

        “Itachi would be really proud of the man you’ve become, Sasuke,” Shisui said earnestly. Sasuke’s mind flashed to how badly he was handling things in his relationships, and his light smile curved into its usual downward position again.

        “Ah, I doubt that. I’ve been fucking up a lot lately. I haven’t spoken to my parents in nearly a year.” Sasuke chuckled humorlessly, pulling away from the close proximity he and Shisui were sharing just a moment before.

        “Did something happen?” Shisui implored, rubbing his swollen eyes.

        “I was back from break,” Sasuke sighed deeply, recounting the painful memory. “I was going through Itachi’s things, and I found some...stuff that he left for me to read,” Sasuke chose his words carefully. “And I found out what really happened with everything.” Sasuke took another shaky breath.

        “So then, you know…” Shisui muttered, turning away his gaze. Sasuke cracked his knuckles softly on his thighs, his eyelids fluttering closed.

        “That my brother was raped? Yeah, I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share! <3


	14. Did I Reach You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, this story is just something I never want to give up. I cannot believe it's been almost an entire year since I've posted the first chapter! Thank you so much for sticking by Sasuke and reading this. I really do intend to finish, no matter how long it takes me! Thank you so much for reading.

        “What the fuck?” Shisui dropped his beer from his palm. “Oh, shit.” he muttered, hurrying to lift the spilled bottle from the fashionable rug beneath their feet. Sasuke’s knuckles cracked at how tightly they were clenched. Shisui’s eyes had narrowed to slits as he smacked on the center of his forehead with the heel of his hand. He stood up from the couch and grabbed a dish towel from the kitchen, dabbing at the spill with his back turned to his guest. “Sasuke, what the hell are you talking about?”

        “What do you mean?” Sasuke snarled, slamming his fist down on the coffee table. The sudden jolt startled Shisui, and he jumped slightly and turned in fear to see Sasuke’s eyes glowing red in anger.

        “You’re telling me that Itachi, OUR Itachi, was...sexually assaulted?” Shisui muttered in disbelief, standing up from his mess and dropping the dish towel on the coffee table. “Is that why he…”

        “You mean…” Sasuke’s anger melted away. “You didn’t know?” The younger man had never been so confused. He relaxed the tension in his arms and wiped his sweaty palms on his dress pants.

        “What...what happened? When did this happen?” Shisui’s hands frantically ran through his curls as he sat back down on the couch opposite of Sasuke.

        “But he...he said you knew? He said he told you and tried to get you to dump him so you wouldn’t have to deal with him, or whatever. I thought that was why you didn’t come to his wake.” Sasuke’s bangs fell in front of his face.

        “WHAT THE FUCK?” Shisui yelled in shock. “Sorry...um Sasuke, I’m so incredibly lost right now. What are you talking about? He told you he was sexually assaulted? And that he tried to get me to leave him? When?” Shisui gasped at the revelations, his warm eyes frozen over in an unblinking gaze focused on the grey tips of his socks.

        “Um...well, he didn’t tell me directly to my face.” Sasuke shifted uncomfortably. Was now a good time to introduce the journal? They were both deliberating on whose story was true. Would the journal only complicate things? Would Itachi mind if Sasuke shared it with Shisui? Or was it for his eyes only?

        “What do you mean?” Shisui’s mouth parted slightly in his uncertainty, watching Sasuke’s shaking hands continue to wipe down the slacks covering his scrawny thighs.

        “He sort of...left me something…” Sasuke attempted to find the right words to say. He had no idea how Shisui would react to finding out what Sasuke knew about their relationship. “I guess I should just...show you?” Sasuke shakily lifted himself out of the loveseat and retrieved the old algebra book from his satchel.

        It wasn’t like he had never considered showing Shisui the journal. It was something he had mulled over since the very day he had found it in the first place. But the week leading up to this meeting had only worsened Sasuke’s anxiety towards the idea. There were so many reasons not to show Shisui,  namely the intimate details of his relationship with Sasuke’s brother splashed all over the pages. Itachi’s foolish little brother had devoured his words countless times, but the shame of watching Shisui’s body tense and release as he read his dead lovers’ final thoughts didn’t seem as unbearable as it once had.

 

_If you don’t share someone’s pain, you can never understand them._

 

        More of Naruto’s words echoed in the back of Sasuke’s mind as he slowly turned to walk back to his host. Was this what he had been doing in coming here? Sharing his pain with one of the few people that would understand him? Was that selfish? Was it okay to be reopening these wounds?

        “Algebra.” Shisui stated matter of factly as Sasuke handed it to him.

Was it wrong to keep dragging Shisui down with something that happened so long ago?

        “Journal” Sasuke corrected.

        Was it wrong for Sasuke to want others to experience the same suffering he did, rather than to just pretend they understood? Shisui stood up from the couch and walked over to the desk organizer in the corner. He rummaged through the top drawer, retrieving a battered old notebook just like the one Sasuke had handed him. The notebook was significantly smaller than Sasuke’s, green instead of red, and labeled “Chemistry”.

        “You mean like this? Shisui turned to face the younger brother. Sasuke’s jaw hit the floor as he understood.

_Two journals?_

        “Can I…?” Shisui stood up to meet Sasuke’s outstretched arm, their fingers grazing as the journals exchanged hands. Shisui sunk down into his seat again. Sasuke simply nodded, his brain working overtime to process what he was hearing. He wasn’t sure if he had the mental strength to read Shisui’s copy at the moment. Had Itachi’s words, the final essays he had left behind, been a complete farce? Had the pain Sasuke had felt for his brother been contrived, convoluted bullshit from the very beginning? Or were the journals meant to stay private for whom they were addressed to? Were they the same? Different? Was the one Shisui had all about Sasuke the way the one Sasuke had was all about Shisui?

        Shisui’s genuine surprise and confusion towards Sasuke’s revelations about his brother’s assault was enough confirmation to the younger brother that he was telling the truth. He hadn’t known what had happened during that internship interview. Sasuke’s eyes flooded, his unfocused gaze blurring further as he bit his hooked index finger to stop himself from crying out.

        They sat in silence for several minutes. Sasuke nervously wondered when Izumi would be back as he watched through watery eyes as the older man thumbed through the tear soaked pages of the tattered journal. Shisui occasionally brushed his curls from his eyes, their expression changing frequently as he worked his way through the words.

        “Itachi was...all alone. This whole time. He never had anyone that could share his pain.” Sasuke muttered. “Could he not trust me? His dear little brother? Or you? His love? Enough to tell us while he was here?” He cried out angrily.

        “We were just kids…” Shisui glanced up from the book at hearing Sasuke’s contempt.

        “We could have saved him, Shisui. We should’ve known something was going on.” Sasuke wiped at his leaking eyes furiously.

        “There’s no way we could’ve known, Sasuke.” Shisui looked back down at the journal. “This isn’t something we can blame ourselves for. I’ve gone down that road so many times and it doesn’t help anything. Blaming ourselves isn’t going to bring him back. And frankly, I don’t think he’d be happy to see how much suffering he’s caused you.” Shisui smiled softly, reaching forward and wiping away Sasuke’s fresh tears with his thumb.

        Sasuke’s crushing guilt could not be forgotten so easily, but the warm familiarity of Shisui’s brotherly love and comfort was able to slip through a few cracks and begin to heal the hopelessness that Sasuke had felt for so long. They were sharing pain, just like Naruto had said. They were connecting over a mutual understanding of their love for Itachi. The intimacy they shared made Sasuke’s heart flutter. He could feel Itachi in the room with them.

 

_Are you there, big brother? Did I reach you?_

 

        “Shisui. Can you...help me figure out what’s true and what isn’t?” Sasuke muttered softly. Shisui pulled his hand away from the younger boys face and nodded, turning his attention to scanning the pages of the journal once more.

        “Well, for starters, this right here, do you see? It isn’t true.” Shisui muttered, pointing to a passage that Sasuke referenced frequently. Sasuke moved to sit beside him to view the paragraph.

 

_Shisui and I had a fight today. He was over at my house and I said something I can never take back. I thought for sure he’d leave me, but instead he just cried. He held me and he cried for a really long time. I just stood there. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. For the first time, making someone else miserable didn’t make me feel any better. I thought if I could make him as sad as I am, I’d have someone to relate to. I guess I’ve been ignoring how badly I need validation of my existence._

 

        “I don’t understand,” Sasuke muttered, watching Shisui turn to face him.

        “ _I’m_ the one that said something I could never take back. He never said anything hurtful to me. I was the one that was always hurting him.” Shisui’s eyes welled up again and he wiped at them furiously, turning his gaze back to the journal.

        “What did you say?” Sasuke whispered.

        “H-he…” Shisui chuffed between sobs. He took a moment to collect himself and wipe both of his eyes dry with his knuckles. What could he have done to upset himself this badly? “I was over at your house. I think you were out with some friends or something, because you didn’t come home for dinner. We were messing around in his room and you mom walked in on us.” Sasuke’s mouth parted slightly in surprise.

        “She never said anything…to me, I mean.”

        “She didn’t say anything. She just stared. I’d never felt so worthless. I hated that I was in love with a man. I hated that I was in love with your brother. I didn’t deserve him.” Shisui’s voice shook as he continued. “Itachi started shaking because he hadn’t come out to your parent’s yet. Even though I was out, I still had a hard time being comfortable with myself. I thought coming out would make me like myself better, because then there wouldn’t be any hiding. It was like...I was forcing myself to be okay with it. I...I hated myself actually. After your mother left, Itachi wanted me to comfort him. He said he was scared that your mother would tell your father and something would happen. And I just fucking sat there. I said nothing and I did nothing. I couldn’t move. He was so worried about the look on your mother’s face. He asked me something like, ‘why did she just leave like that? Without saying anything?’. And I...I said…”She left because she couldn’t stand the sight of you.” Shisui dropped his head into his hands in shame, his curls poking through his hands as they rubbed against his eyes in anguish. “And then I just left. It was such a fucked up thing to say, knowing his concerns. I don’t know why I said it. Maybe I was projecting my own insecurities onto him. But it doesn’t matter. There’s so much more bullshit I did and yet he stayed with me anyway. I hurt him so much. I couldn’t even show my face at his fucking funeral.” Shisui wailed, his gaze shifting up to the ceiling as he lifted his face from his hands.

        “You’re right. That is a pretty fucked up thing to say to someone.” Sasuke muttered.

        “I’m so sorry Sasuke," Shisui pleaded.

        “I forgive you… I just don’t want to forget this feeling.” Sasuke whispered.

        Shisui continued to wail into his hands, showing no signs of hearing Sasuke’s murmurs. Itachi had suffered so greatly, and instead of receiving the comfort, love, and support that he needed so desperately, he was rejected by the people closest to him. They sat in a near silence again, the only sound was Shisui’s uncomfortably loud sobs, until Sasuke began to chuckle. It was humorless and unnerving, and Shisui silenced himself as he watched Sasuke’s chuckles turn into full blown laughter.

        “I’m sorry. I just find it kind of funny that I came here looking for answers to the questions I’ve been killing myself over since I was fucking 14 years old. Now I’m here, and it turns out my brother is a goddamn liar.” A tear slipped from the corner of Sasuke’s right eye, as he continued his painful laugh. Shisui watched him in anguish, his large, puffy eyes losing their familiarity as he watched his first love’s broken little brother breaking down on his couch.

        “So you-y-you think…” Shisui dared to begin the question they both desperately wanted to ask.

        “I don’t really know what to think anymore. How can I trust anything he wrote? It’s not like you have any reason to lie,” Sasuke wiped the stray tear. “And he’s not exactly around to ask, so.” Shisui grimaced at the younger man’s words. “God I’m so fucking sick of crying!” Sasuke groaned, standing up. He lifted his hand to his forehead, feeling the pounding heat radiate onto his hand.

        “I’m sorry...I’ve been running for so long. It’s like my body is making up for the last 8 or so years.” Shisui smiled sadly, standing up. Sasuke felt his eyes begin to water again, and he bit his bent index finger again in a futile attempt to stop himself. Abruptly, he felt Shisui’s arms wrap around him. Shisui held him tightly, resisting Sasuke’s overwhelming grief wracking his body in sobs. “It’s gonna be okay, Sasuke. I promise.”

        “I’m worried if I move on I’ll forget about him,” Sasuke admitted, turning to face Shisui and wrap his arms around him desperately. He fisted Shisui’s dress shirt, muffling his weeping into the older man’s shoulder.

        “That’s never going to happen. This is one promise that I CAN keep.” Shisui mumbled softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share !


	15. Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been completely MIA! I can't believe it's been over a year since I started writing this. Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> This chapter has graphic depictions of suicide and a suicide attempt so please use caution when reading!

_ Dear Itachi, _

_ I finally gathered enough courage to visit Shisui. He’s the sort of person that makes you confront your feelings head on, so I had a lot of reservations going into it. I have a hard time explaining it...he somehow draws it out of you. He’s doing as well as to be expected. I know you’re watching over him. I want to believe that he’ll be there for me the way I think he will. I haven’t decided if I can fully trust myself and my own actions. I’ve had a difficult time expressing this to others. I think that’s one of the worst feelings in the world...not being able to convey your thoughts and feelings properly to the person you love. However, I do find the way writers portray people, namely, the opposite sex, in their writing fairly interesting. Maybe it’s because they have more time to collect their thoughts and have a better chance of explaining something as abstract as personal feelings. It’s like when I write about Hinata, and no matter how straight forward she is there is still an essence of mystery to her feminine wiles. Does that sound corny? For example, as I pour over your final words, I come to the realization that you really didn’t know me very well...nor I, you. I can’t help but get the sense that you couldn’t help but demonize me in a way. I can’t say that I’m guilty of doing the same to you. I idolized you. I so desperately craved the love that dad showered you with. You never appreciated it...I wanted to hate you for it but I never could. I loved you too much. But perhaps it was my fault. How much am I allowed to blame on age and ignorance? You often wrote things, wondering how I felt instead of just asking me. I can’t help but wonder how many lonely nights, aching memories and idiomatic teenage fights could’ve been avoided if we had just shared our pain the way Naruto has explained to me.  _

_ I think I’m jealous of your bedroom walls. They’ve seen every side of you. I miss talking to you, even if it was mundane. I miss when you’d third wheel on my dates with Sakura and we’d ditch you in the crowds of the mall so we could make out. I miss playing basketball with you in the backyard while mom was making dinner. I miss so many things....I hate this. I hate not talking to you face to face. I hate that I could feel the distance between us growing like a weed and I did nothing to stop it.  _

_ I have so many regrets. They’re consuming me. I keep thinking about past fuck ups that don’t matter at all in present day and I let them eat away at me when I let my mind wander. I am desperate for a peace I cannot guarantee. I know that in the grand scheme of things, I know nothing, but I can’t help but wonder... _

  
  
  


        Work was slower than usual, and Sasuke was itching to get home as he mulled through his final duties of the night. 

        “So we should be getting a shipment of the planners for the new year sometime in the next week. Why don’t you mark down the last few for this year down to 75% off and I’ll key it into the computer. Then, I guess you can head out. I’ll finish up the tills,” Sasuke’s manager heaved absentmindedly over the brim of his glasses. The boy merely nodded, dragging his feet over to the sale sign and adjusting it accordingly. 

        As he was clocking out, he felt the gentle ping of his phone in his pocket go off. He finished signing out of the computer and grabbed his bag, nodding a farewell to his distracted manager before exiting the bookstore through the back to the employee lot. 

 

**From: Sakura**

**Drinks tmrw? Naruto is down. U can bring ur gf~**

 

        He smiled weakly at the gesture, answering a few other texts he had been avoiding before politely declining her invitation after an appropriately awaited amount of time. There were too many things swimming through his mind. Maybe a night out was exactly what he needed, but work and keeping up his grades amidst the emotional wounds still fresh from his dinner with Shisui had left him drained in every way possible. He needed a break from everything. He knew he was pushing everyone away, but he didn’t have the mental capacity to properly process it. Naruto had completely backed off, understandably, and Sasuke wasn’t sure how to approach the situation. There were so many more important things happening in his life than any sort of new romance developing. 

        Guilt. The guilt was eating him alive. Guilty about emotionally cheating on Hinata, guilty about being too much of a pussy to just swallow his pride and go back to his parents to beg for their forgiveness. Too infantile to return Shisui’s calls. 

        Why couldn’t he let Shisui keep his promise? He felt unworthy of such an effort. Shisui should be focusing on his wedding, his fiance's family. Not his olds dead boyfriends little brother. 

        Sasuke felt his hands shake as he started his car, letting the heat start to warm him up before he peeled out of the lot. He pondered returning Shisui’s call once he was home, letting his eyes drift as he signaled to switch lanes. As he began to merge, the car behind him suddenly sped up and cut him off. 

        “Yo what the fuck?” Sasuke hissed, slamming his fist down onto his steering wheel to sound his horns. As he finished merging, the car that had cut him off switched into the lane he had just left. Sasuke shook his head, continuing down the road normally until the car began to slow down to match his pace.

_ Don’t look.  _

        Sensing that something was off, Sasuke flickered his eyes to the car, careful not to move his body so it wasn’t obvious he was checking them out. What he saw next made his heart fall into his stomach. 

        The driver of the other car slowed even more to match Sasuke, who was too terrified to speed out of there. Familiar red, marked cheeks and a toothy grin flashed to him, one hand on the steering wheel and the other waving a shiny metal object around carelessly. Sasuke’s mind went blank. His girlfriends boyfriend had nearly crashed into him, and was now waving around a gun, casually pointing at him as they drove. 

        He tried to steady his breathing, continuing his uncaring act and snapping his eyes back to the road. The only thing his conscious could do was scream FUCK as loudly as it could inside of his mind. Would Kiba really shoot him? Was he just messing around? Should he act like he can’t see or should he peel out of there? 

        Somehow Kiba’s silence only made him more terrifying. Sasuke’s mind was falling over itself trying to figure out what to do. Almost without thinking, he immediately cut into a neighborhood side road, increasing his speed significantly incase Kiba would give chase. Sasuke almost didn’t dare check the rear view mirror to see if he was being followed. When he was sure Kiba wasn’t following, he threw his car into reverse and took the long way home through the back roads. He struggled to catch his breath as he pulled into a parking space, dry heaving at what had just happened. His first instinct was to call someone. As he whipped out his phone, shaking fingers struggling to scroll down his recent calls for the correct name, his thumb hovered over the contact he was searching for.

_ Naruto. _

        He shook his head violently, cursing himself for even thinking of calling him. And after an incident with Kiba? Shouldn’t his natural reaction be to give Hinata a ring? Shouldn’t he be seeking comfort from his GIRLFRIEND? Crushing guilt washed over him as he slipped his phone back into his pocket and gathered his things. He locked his car and entered his building, checking his mail and trying to stop shaking so violently. 

_ He had no desire to see her. _

        Her insistence for sex was beginning to bother him. Sometimes he felt like he had to just to get her off his back. His sex drive was somewhat nonexistent at this point, and when he attempted to explain things to her, to share an intimacy that wasn’t purely physical, it fell on deaf ears. 

        For a moment, albeit fleeting, he wished they had never crossed the friendship line. He’d gotten to fuck her. So what? He missed leaning on her shoulder. As he stepped out of the elevator and onto his floor, he stopped dead in his tracks. He needed to talk to his brother. 

        Entering the apartment quickly, he threw his things onto the couch and nearly fell in his haste to grab his journal. He slammed it down on the table and retrieved a pen from his bag, pouring scribbly words onto the page he wasn’t sure would be legible later.

 

_ Itachi, _

_ I’m so confused. I thought...I love Hinata. But is that true? Do I only love what she does for me? I’m at a loss. Lately, I haven’t wanted to be around her. I feel like I’ve done a complete 180. Everything with Kiba has just become very real. I wonder if I really even know her at all. I realize that our relationship is 90% about me. I feel so selfish...Do I even really know anything about her? What constitutes knowing someone and loving someone? I know we love different people in different ways, but it doesn’t feel like when I loved Sakura, and it doesn’t feel like how I feel about Naruto. Am I in love with Naruto? _

 

        He paused a moment, attempting to process what he had just written. 

 

_ Do I love Naruto? _

 

        He sat back for a moment, silent, burning tears spilling from his eyes as he reached an epiphany. He didn’t want to be with Hinata. He wanted Naruto. But he wanted no one. But he wanted someone. But he wanted nothing and everything. 

 

_ God, Itachi. Did I make a mistake? Has it been enough time to realize my feelings? I’m such a terrible person. I was the one that practically forced my feelings on Hinata. And now I’m just going to cast her aside? I can’t lose her as a friend. But I guess that’s just me being selfish again… _

_ I want to be there for her and be the best friend I always should’ve been, but I’m not sure how. This thing with Kiba is really fucking me up, Itachi. I don’t know how to save her. I don’t know how to save anyone. I couldn’t save you. Maybe I need someone to save me. I thought it could be Hinata, but I think that I was wrong. I’d like to not have to be saved...to be whole and complete on my own, like you said. But I’m starting to think that’s never going to happen... _

_ I can’t tell Naruto how I feel. I can’t be with him, even if I want to. I can’t hurt him like that. He deserves someone so much better than me.  _

_ Can I blame you for how fucked up I am? For my pathological need to hurt the people closest to me? _

 

        He slowly pulled out his phone, attempting to steady his voice as he dialed her phone number. He squeezed his eyes shut, pushing out more tears as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

        “Hey, Sask, now’s not a good time. Kiba will be back soon and he wants me to have di-” her breathy voice whispered into the mic.

        “Hinata.” he cut her off gruffly. “I’m a bad person.” all attempts to steady his voice failed, and his body wracked with sobs.

        “Sasuke? What’s wrong? What’s happening?” her voice sounded frantic.

        “Please don’t be concerned for me. It only makes this harder…” Sasuke’s voice trailed off and he sniffed loudly. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sorry for forcing you to be with me. I can’t be in a relationship right now. I wish...I wish things could go back to the way they were. I wish that line had never been crossed.”

        “Is this...because of Kiba?” she muttered.

        “No, it’s because of me.” he brushed his hand through his hair, fresh tears rolling down his soaking cheeks. “I don’t know how to save you. I couldn’t have itachi either. I don’t know how to save anyone. I don’t know how to save myself from this feeling. I should just go away.”

        “Sasuke...what are you saying?” He could sense the panic in her voice.

        “I’m sorry for being so selfish. I need you by my side back as my best friend again. But I understand if we can never go back to the way things were.”

        “Sasuke, I-”

        “Please don’t contact me, I need some time. I’m so sorry. I’ll disappear.” 

        “Sasuke, wait!” He ignored her plea and clicked his phone off, running his hands through his hair violently. His intrusive thoughts had completely clouded his brain. Why was he even still here? Naruto was gone, Hinata was gone, Itachi was gone, his parents were gone. Every single person had left him because he had pushed them away. He didn’t deserve anyone caring about him. 

        Things were becoming to much for him to handle. He didn’t know if he could take anymore. He just wanted to see Itachi again. He wanted to go away forever.

        “Itachi…Itachi...Itachi…” he mumbled over and over, walking to his closet in a daze. He reached for a belt his father had given him and moved into the living room. 

 

_ Natural causes. That’s what they told everyone. I guess they didn’t want to make it a big deal. Since your last words were addressed to me, It only makes sense that I return the favor. I have tried to find a reason for living since you left for nearly 8 years. I realize that I am, and that I know, absolutely nothing. I wanted to be someone that could be relied on. I think we both struggled with that; wishing to be something we aren’t instead of making the effort to change. I don’t really know what’s supposed to go into these things. My final moment’s don’t feel really clear like many people say they do. In fact, I’ve never been more confused. Perhaps I was always meant to be alone. I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH i mis syou i miss you i missssss you itachi so fucking mcuh I miss you everytime i have something good you take it awy from me i wantto blame everything on you but i know its all my fault its all my fault. I always need people way more than they need me and we can never go back to the way things were and my best is never enough. Everyone would be better off if i just went away. Who knew I would become such a cliche? I always thought you were so stupid for killing yourself but now I understand what you said about knowing the kind of person you truly are in the moments before your death. That’s what death is. _

_ You’ve ruined so many things. I hate you so fucking much you killed me you killed me you killed me you killed me you killed me you killed me you ki _

 

        He dropped the pen, hands shaking as he stepped up onto the coffee table and fastened the belt onto the overhead fan. He slipped his head into the open space and pulled tightly, his heart in his throat as he jumped. 

        Suddenly, his body launched into a fit of spasms, his vision beginning to blur from being unable to breathe. He was nearly there, he wouldn’t have to feel the regret of his parents and Hinata and countless others anymore. He hoped he would be easily forgotten. He didn’t want to cause any pain anymore. His brain was incoherent, but he could feel his body involuntarily struggling against the restriction of the belt as he writhed.

        So close. So close to feeling absolutely nothing ever again.

        Instantaneously, his body dropped to the floor and he gasped for air, inhaling a large puff of dust that had formed. The fan had broken from the ceiling, unable to support his body weight. He cried out in pain, his body crumpled and a shooting pain running through his leg, which the fan had crushed. A large bang sounded and his front door, and a team of paramedics swarmed into the one bedroom apartment, quickly slipping the belt off of his neck and lifting the fan from his leg before fastening an oxygen mask over his face. He had failed yet again.

        “Why can’t I do anything right?” he asked a paramedic through his tears. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and share :)


	16. That's My Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a lot of references to suicide, familial trauma etc. Please use caution when reading <3

        When he came too, his body instantly burned with pain, a dull ache in his throat and a sharp stabbing needle sensation prickling his leg where it had broken. He struggled to open his eyes, the weight of his lids increased from the morphine coursing through his veins. Finally, he opened his eyes, flicking them back and forth and realizing where he was. He turned to his right, realizing that his hand was being held by an unconscious Hinata, her cheeks smeared with mascara and her head resting on the edge of his bed. He breathed in through his nose, realizing he was hooked up to oxygen, and sighed heavily through his mouth.

        “Hinata,” he croaked through his sore throat. He watched her stir gently, and he squeezed her hand feebly as she fully woke up. She rubbed her eyes, lifting her head slowly and realizing what was happening.

        “Oh my god, you’re awake!” she burst into tears, clambering onto the bed and tackling him.

        “Agh! Hina, my leg!” he cried out in pain. She shifted her weight off of him quickly, still holding him in a crushing hug.

        “Sorry, I’m sorry,” she sobbed. Sasuke felt wet droplets drip down onto his head as she held him. He felt nothing.

        “Your boobs are restricting my breathing,” he muffled into her chest.

        “Sorry, sorry, I’m so glad you’re okay, oh my god. I’m so glad. I’ll go get the doctor.” She released him from her vice grip and he sighed heavily, watching her leave. His brain fog was beginning to clear, and he realized what had happened. Why couldn’t he even kill himself properly? He was a complete and utter fuck up. He glanced down at his shattered leg, remembering when the fan had fallen through the ceiling and his body hit the floor. He thought about how much of a disturbance he must have caused for his neighbors, and the hefty bill for fixing the ceiling of his apartment that would be waiting for him when he returned. He groaned loudly and turned on his bruised side, reaching for the water on the side table to ease his parched throat. Hinata returned with the doctor, grabbing his hand again as the physician informed him of the mandatory 3 day inpatient program he would have to attend for his suicide attempt. He nodded slowly, only lending half an ear as he watched his girlfriend listening to the doctor intently. He wanted her to let go of his fucking hand and leave him alone already, angry with himself for being so unsuccessful. She had no idea that her other boyfriend had nearly shot him earlier, let alone how emotionally cut off Sasuke was from her at this point. In fact, he’d even go as far as saying he...hated her at the moment.

        “Sasuke…” she said softly, in a quivering whisper. He looked at her with contempt, the things he once loved now disgusting him. He hated her for calling the ambulance. He hated her for continuing to chose Kiba over him. He hated that he had kissed the lips that had been around Naruto; that he had ever been inside of her. He hated that they had ever been anything more than friends.

        “I called your parents. They’re waiting downstairs. Shisui and his fiance are here as well. Do you want to see them?” She said softly, stroking her thumb across his hand gently, continuing to wipe tears away.

        “YOU DID WHAT?” he screamed, or rather, garbled, due to his scratchy throat where the belt had constricted. His contempt had boiled into anger as he pulled his hand out of her grasp and sat up as quickly as he could, the dull ache of his abused body begging him to lay back down.

        “They didn’t know if you were going to wake up!” She sobbed, backing away from him as he raised his voice in obvious anger. “I didn’t know what to do! They said they needed immediate family if they had to make any medical decisions. Please don’t be angry with me,” she begged him.

        “You KNOW I’m not on speaking terms with my parents. Why the FUCK would you call them!?” Sasuke yelled, falling back into the bed from the pain his body was in. He looked to his left and noticed a morphine pump, stamping it a few times with his thumb before dropping it. “God Hinata! Why do you have to fuck up EVERYTHING? Just go the FUCK away. I don't want to see your fucking face. Tell them to go home. I don’t want to see any of them. Don’t fucking come back.” He turned away from her, shutting his eyes like an angry toddler.

        “But...I-”

        “WHAT PART OF GET THE FUCK OUT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?” He screamed, his throat searing in protest as he raised his voice. “I fucking hate you…” he mumbled, loud enough for her to hear. She left without another word, her heart crumbling at his words. In the back of his mind, he knew he was being horrific, but he didn’t have the mental or spiritual energy to act rationally. He was filled with anger, something he had tried so hard to let go of for so long. He heard her sob and the door of his room slam closed, wishing with his entire being that he had just succeeded in killing himself. Why did she have to get in the way of everything?

        He couldn’t face his parents or Shisui. He was so ashamed at everything. He was a complete failure, driving away the last person that cared. He was left alone with his thoughts for what felt like hours, and he desperately wanted to sleep to provide some relief from the thoughts swimming in his head.

        “Sasuke?” a familiar, gentle voice leaked into the room following the creaking sound of the door opening. He turned around slowly, wondering if he had drifted off like he had hoped and was merely dreaming that she was here. “Oh my love, oh my love…” tears streamed down her face, puffed up from the grief she was experiencing at the sight of him. He took her in, her face appearing angelic in front of the harsh yellow glow of the light behind her. He was unable to cast her away, just as he knew he would be when he saw her face.

        “Mom, is that you?” He croaked, sitting up slightly. The pain had dulled a bit thanks to the medicine, but his eyelids felt heavy and his vision was blurred.

        “It’s me, baby, it’s me, I’m here.” she crossed the room hesitantly, as if she was afraid to touch him. Scooting to the side, he made room for her to sit. She sunk on to the hospital bed and lifted her hand slowly, caressing his cheek so gently it felt like a small gust of air. Sasuke’s obsidian eyes blinked slowly, moving his arms to wrap around her as he began to cry. He was so sick of crying.

        “Is this real? Am I asleep? Or did I actually succeed?” he squeezed his eyes closed, hot tears spilling out of the inner corners of his eyes as she held him.

        “Oh my baby…” she kept repeating, stroking his hair and crying so violently that she shook.

        “I’m sorry mom, I-i’m so sorry,” he wept, his voice cracking again. “I’m sorry I didn’t call. I’m sorry I didn’t come home.” he grabbed at her arms, as if he was afraid she would disappear into thin air if he let go.

        “No, honey please don’t worry about that right now. I’m so glad you’re okay,” she sniffed, wiping her nose on her sleeve. He lifted his head to meet her gaze. It was like looking into a mirror, his face reflecting perfectly onto her matching eyes. “Can I...get your father?” She whispered the word ‘father’ in the faintest breath. Sasuke nodded quickly, running an exasperated hand through his matted hair.

        “I have to apologize for the things that I said.” he mumbled, watching as his mother stood up and shut the creaking door behind her. His brain was exploding trying to string a coherent thought with the last few brain cells he had left. What could he even say? Now was the time. He had so many things he was sorry for. His breath hitched when he heard the door open again, and he blinked through fresh tears at the sight of his father entering the room. He looked completely different than when Sasuke had seen him last; his hair had turned completely gray, and he had lost a considerable amount of weight.

        “Dad…” his voice trembled, unable to find the right words to say. His father burst into tears, crossing the room quickly and pulling Sasuke’s face into his chest.

        “My boy...you’re alright. You’re okay…” he repeated over and over, as if to reassure himself that it was true, despite the evidence right in front of him.

        “Dad,” Sasuke pulled his head out of his fathers grasp. “Dad I’m sorry for what I said. I’m so sorry for not coming back and not calling. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry,” Sasuke cried, hugging his father’s gaunt waist. Fugaku put his hands on Sasuke’s head, stroking down his hair.

        “None of that matters anymore. It’s my fault for giving up contact and waiting for you to come to us. That was wrong of me. I’m so sorry, son. I love you so much. Please don’t try to leave us. We can’t lose you again. _I_ can’t lose you again. I love you so much Sasuke.” Sasuke sobbed into his father’s chest, fisting his shirt as he cried. It was strange, yet comforting to hear such affirming words from his generally stiff father. He felt his mother’s presence appear at his side and his parent’s wrapped their arms around him, tears freely falling. There were so many things that needed to be sorted through, but in this moment, they could just hold each other. Nothing else mattered, except being together again.

        “I love you both more than anything. I’m so sorry,” Sasuke winced, laughing in disbelief as he cried.

        “It's going to be okay,” his father sighed, breaking up the family hug.

        “There are...so many things that need to be talked about. They’re making me stay for a few more days for a treatment program or something. I want to leave.” His throat felt tight again.

        “I know, baby,” his mother stroked his hair gently. “It’s only for a few days. Maybe, when you get out, you can come home for awhile and let us take care of you. Daddy can take some time off of work, and-”

        “Mom, I can’t. I have to finish the semester. I’m graduating soon. I promise this was just a fluke. I was having a hard time with… a lot of things. I promise to tell you, even thought I know it’ll be hard. I promise. I swear. But I…” he broke down again. “I just really need some fucking help. I hate to ask. But I need some help.”

        “We can discuss all of that later. I’ll take care of whatever you need. You don’t have to worry,” his father reassured him. “Makoto, let’s let him get some more rest.” he nodded to his wife.

        “Call us if you need anything, honey. We will be right down stairs. I’m going to go get you some food. I’ll ask a nurse to bring you some more water, okay?” she stroked his hair, leaving the father and son alone as she busied herself with finding the nurse.

        “I’m really sorry, dad. I’m just so...messed up inside. But I want to get better. I don’t have much hope for myself. But if you and mom believe in me, then I think I can do it. I need you right now more than you could ever know.” he sighed, not believing his own words. His will to leave was miniscule, but he knew that he had to stick around long enough to save his relationship with his parents. “I promise I’ll try to get better. I promise.” Hs father nodded, remarking that he would go help his wife with getting Sasuke some food.

“Now then,” his father ruffled his hair softly, turning to leave the room. “That’s my boy.” he whispered, shutting the door behind him.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment and share! :D


	17. Apart

 

        “Hinata, I’m a bad person,” he rehearsed into the mirror, over and over. “I’m a bad person, I’m a bad person, I’m a bad person.” The words bounced off the mirror and back onto his lips as he repeated himself. Sasuke felt awful for how horribly he had screamed at his girlfriend, and even worse for  _ knowing  _ in the moment he would regret his actions later, and not being able to stop himself anyway. When she came back to the hospital room at his call, a part of him was surprised. Where could he possibly begin to express his anger and regret? She entered the room slowly, as if she was testing the temperature of bath water. He felt the strangest combination of hatred, love, desire, and despair simultaneously as he anticipated her reaction.

        “Hinata, I’m-” the words caught in his throat as he exited the bathroom to face her, struggling on his crutches. Her eyes had swollen, and the pale lilac of her irises were a dark charcoal. Wordlessly, he set the crutches against the wall and pulled her to his chest, balancing lightly on his injured leg. She didn’t protest, merely allowing her arms to drop as dead weights as he held her, which worried him. He wanted her to get angry, to show some sort of reaction like he wanted when he told her how he felt about Naruto. Why did she always have to be so goddamn understanding?

        “This is it for us, isn’t it?” She whispered, almost too softly for him to hear and pulling away from him. She tucked her hair behind her ear slowly, taking shallow breaths as if she was trying to hold back sobs.

        “I’m sorry for yelling at you. You did the right thing, I just wasn’t ready. I told you I wanted to fix things, but I didn’t know how to be ready. You don’t have to forgive me. It was wrong of me, but thank you for bringing them here,” he pretended not to hear her words as he rambled on. “My family...I’m having a difficult time stringing together any semblance of a coherent thought,” he sighed, sitting back down on the hospital bed and reaching for the fruit cup he had started earlier. She sat in the chair across the room, which only stung Sasuke further. He had hoped she would sit beside him. “I want to get better. Mom and dad want to help. You’ve helped me so much even when I don’t deserve it. Thank you.” He paused, continuing to ramble when she showed no sign of a verbal reply. “Sorry...I want to talk less and listen more,” he sighed, shoving his fork into the cup and grazing his teeth down the utensil. The fruit tasted soggy and flavorless, but he forced himself to swallow as he avoided her absent gaze. His head was pounding from dehydration and his stomach rumbled awkwardly in protest as he halted what little food he had consumed since he had been admitted to the hospital. Hinata didn’t answer for an uncomfortably long time, and they sat in silence except for the pounding of Sasuke’s heart that he was sure she could hear.

        “Do you hate me?” She asked simply, her eyes trained on the tile floor of the room.

        “No. Well, yes.” Sasuke shook his head lightly, feeling his center of gravity shift dizzyingly. “I’m wording it wrong. Maybe I just hated what you did, in the moment. For saving me. I wanted to die. I wanted to have the courage to face things in death the way I couldn’t in life. I supposed that’s selfish…” he shifted his weight to the side. “I’m trying so hard to hold it together right now,” Sasuke set the fruit cup back down and clambered to his feet to cross the room to her, hobbling on his good leg and taking her face into his hands. Her dulled eyes had lost their usual glow as they flickered over to meet his. “I feel really awkward laying it all out like this…”

        “It’s okay that you don’t love me,” she turned her face away. “Just don’t lie about it.” She stood up, turning away and covering her mouth with her hand. He felt a slap of whiplash at her somewhat off topic declaration.

        “But I do, Hinata!” He insisted. “Everything I said earlier, I said out of fear. I want to live and be happy again, I really do. My parents want to support me! I’m sorry for the things I said. I didn’t mean them.” Feeling the pain in his leg rise, he moved to sit back down on the bed. He knew a nurse would be back any minute to set up a new IV and he would lose mobility and the chance to speak with Hinata privately, so he had to speak quickly.

        “You don’t…” she bit her lip, leaning forward on her taught arms and clenching her balled fists even tighter. “You don’t say things you don’t mean...unless you’re trying to protect someone.” She squeezed her eyes closed, and Sasuke’s lip quivered as he watched a tear roll down her cheek.

        “I was so angry. The angriest I’ve ever been,” his voice wobbled. “I felt like I hated you, but I don’t, and, I’m sorry.” He admitted. She showed no sign of reaction to his new words, and he continued. “I’ve been blaming you for my own shit. It wasn’t fair of me. You were right, Hinata. You’re always right. I was comparing you to Itachi. I guess…” he breathed in deeply, shoving his hair out of his face and feeling his eyes begin to water. He was surprised he had any tears left to cry. “I guess I was so angry when you suggested it because I knew, deep down, it was true?” He cracked his knuckles absentmindedly, staring at the freshly mopped floor. “I’m so confused right now. It’s so much...admitting all of this, being her with you in the hospital after I tried to kill myself...speaking to my parents. There’s so many things to work through...I’m never ready.”

        “Sasuke…” She whispered his name, standing up from the chair and walking over to his side before sinking down onto the hospital bed and dropping her cheek to his shoulder. For a moment, he felt at peace, able to forget his past anger and resentment that he had been projecting onto the people he cared for. “I liked it better when I didn’t know you so well.” She muttered into his shoulder. “It would’ve saved us both a lot of heartache.” Her words stung him deeply, and he placed a hang hesitantly over hers as she tucked her hair behind her ear.

        “There’s something I need to tell you,” he whispered seriously. She lifted her head and turned to face him finally. “Right before I tried to kill myself, Kiba followed me home from work. He waved a gun at me. I guess I blamed you. You didn’t deserve that.” he continued to ramble, hearing her words but not allowing them to sink in as a subconscious self preservation.

        “Goddammit…” Hinata sighed, turning away and pinching the bridge of her nose. “I’ve contacted his parole officer to inform him he has a gun and he doesn’t do shit about it! Fuck!” she cursed, pushing her hair out of her face. “Sasuke,” her voice lowered to a seriousness Sasuke had never heard from her before. “I’m sorry. We should...end this.”

        “Don’t apologize. It isn’t your fault. Do we have to jump to such conclusions?” he begged. 

        “I’ve known for a while now that you don’t want to be with me,” she began. “Do not deny it,” she cut him off as his lips parted in protest. “It’s okay. Even when things were good, I couldn’t help but wish we had never crossed that line, you know?”

        “I couldn’t help but wonder the same…” Sasuke admitted freely. “That doesn’t change how I feel about you,” he insisted.

        “Sasuke,” she faced him head on, her huge eyes unblinking. She moved to place her hand gently on his cheek. “There is nothing you could ever say or do that would change how I feel about you. Your words hurt me so much. But, you’re not going to lose me. I’ll be right here. Always. I just want you to be safe.”

        “I’m sorry I can’t protect you. I hate being so selfish.”  
        “It’s not your job to save me or anyone else, Sasuke. We’ll figure something out. I was so stubborn before...I can’t blame it on anything other than my own stupidity. I guess I just didn’t want to cause you any more pain.” she turned to face him again, her eyes threatening to spill over.  “It wasn’t your fault that Itachi died. I don’t know how many times I have to say it for you to believe it. But even if there was the smallest chance that you’d stop blaming yourself...in me telling you as many times as possible...that it was never your fault? I’d do it. I’d do it forever if I had to.” He dropped his head to her shoulder, sighing softly at her words. “I’d tell you every day if I knew it wouldn’t hurt you,” she whispered. 

        “Can I really accept that it’s not my fault when that’s how i’ve felt for so long? Who am I without this blame?” he mumbled into her neck. “Who am I without this hurt and anger? Isn’t it my fault?” he ripped away from her, his eyes squeezed shut. “Why not me? Why did it have to be him and not me? He was the pride of my family. I’ll never compare. I’m nobody. I’m nothing.”

        “No,” she protested, feeling his head lift slowly from her neck. “You’re Sasuke. My Sasuke that I love and need in my life in any form you’ll come in.”

        Sasuke grabbed her head with both of his hands and forced his tongue into her throat. 

        “I’ve never needed someone as badly as I need you,” he whined against her lips, pulling on the back of her hair as she began to cry. 

        “Don’t ever fucking try to kill yourself ever again or I’ll kill you,” she cried, kissing the corner of his mouth and every inch of skin her lips could graze.

        “Okay,” he said simply, pulling her into his lap and squeezing her tightly. 

        “I hate you,” she sobbed, kissing him over and over. “I hate you so much.”

        “I hate me, too.” He breathed into her lips, holding her still and deepening the kiss further. He leaned back and pulled her on top to straddle him, his brain suddenly foggy. Her body moved in friction against his, and he welcomed the distraction; anything that could get his mind off of the burning in his throat and the purple splotches that marked his skin where he had fastened the belt. Every movement had a hazy, feverish closeness that Sasuke had grown used to. He wasn’t sure if he genuinely wanted to be inside of her, or if that was the only way he knew how to express his intimacy. 

        “Let’s not do something we’d regret. The nurse will be back any second,” Hinata panted, swinging her leg over and sliding onto her feet. The warmth of her body sliding off made Sasuke’s stomach ache in protest. He wanted to continue holding her forever, if possible. Just to prove to himself that the hole itachi left could be filled so he could act like it wasn’t. 

        “I’m a bad person,” Sasuke finally spat out the words he desperately needed to say. 

        “No, you’re not,” she insisted, pushing her hair out of her eyes. “Emotions are crazy right now.” Her voice was sincere, but Sasuke recognized the shallow smile forced across her delicate features as she looked away from him.

        “Hinata,” Sasuke’s eyes began to water slightly at her understanding. “Please don’t view this as a manipulation tactic. I truly do not deserve someone as wonderful and understanding as you. I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I feel like such a fucking cliche right now. Everything is so out of place and I don’t know what to do.” He ran his hands through his hair angrily. “I don’t ever know how to express myself properly, and I feel like I use artificial outlets to do so.. Like, writing fake-deep journal entries, or having sex, or drinking. It feels cringey and stupid and I hate it. I just keep rambling, I’m sorry, he noted her slightly confused expression. “I guess most of all, I’m sorry...I couldn’t love you the way that you deserved.”

        “Oh Sasuke,” she grinned solemnly, gently pulling his face to meet hers. She reached for his hand and kissed his knuckles gently. “You sound like a YA romance novel. Just because we didn’t work out as lovers doesn’t mean I can’t love you at all, through it all. I feel like you put me on this pedestal, while simultaneously looking down on me as someone you have to take care of. I try so hard to be someone you can rely on and I keep messing up, don’t I? I can’t blame myself for your mistakes but I can forgive them. I can always forgive you. But right now I think my forgiveness isn’t what you need. I think you need to forgive your parents, and they need to forgive you...and then…” she stared directly into his eyes, her body unflinching in its seriousness. “You need to forgive yourself.” 

        “We can never go back to the way things were…” he grinned sadly. “It’s so much easier said than done. I’ve caused so much more harm than good. I don’t know what I can do to make it up to you, or mom and dad…”

_ Or Naruto.... _

        “All that matters right now is getting you healthy. You don’t need to worry about me right now. I’ll get over it. I’ll finish writing my book...and some other things that need to be taken care of. Focus on yourself and fixing things with your parents.” she insisted through her steady tears. “I feel like a hypocrite telling you to fix things with your parents when I refuse to fix things with mine…” she wiped her nose with the back of her hand, her last whispered words falling on deaf ears.   
        “I wish...I never made you cry,” Sasuke sighed. “Ever.” He watched as she moved to wipe her cheek with the back of her hand as she smiled brightly. 

        “I know I’m crying, and there are so many things that I’m afraid of and things that need to be sorted, but I feel almost...relieved. Or maybe hopeful is a better word. I love you so much Sasuke. You are my BEST friend. I just want you to get better.” she giggled through her sobs, sniffling lightly and patting her friends head gently as he looked up at her. “Maybe I knew it was over, too...but maybe, we’re meant to be alone. For now, anyway.” her suggestion was light and explorative, but Sasuke felt connected to it in a way. 

        “We need some time.” he agreed softly. “Apart.”

  
  
  



End file.
